Trisomy Awareness Month

A facebook friend is running a segment on her blog, Still Playing School, for Trisomy Awareness Month. I am so proud to have Quinn's story included. Please check it out HERE

Here's to 2014!

    Wow, 2014!  Where did the year go? 

 

I would say that 2013 was good to me and my little family! 

 

Adley joined us on January 14th at 9:14 pm.  She is the happiest, sweetest, baby.  She has made our lives so full.  Ashlyn has went from my baby to my little girl.  Not so sure I am happy about that though.... She is the sweetest girl though... usually... unless she is in a mood and she can be pretty darn sassy!  This is the first year since before being being pregnant with Quinn in 2011 that I have felt good.  The days and months after July 20, 2011 have been hard but this past year, they have been less hard.  There are still moments where I have a hard time believing that I am the mother to a dead daughter, don't get me wrong, and I miss her still with everything that I am but I am doing....better.  I can say that I am out of the fog, out of the deep grief and am in "new normal" stage I guess. 

 

It is hard to start a new year and leave Quinn further behind.  It always will be, but at the same time, I am looking forward to the future.  I am looking forward to watching my sweet Ashlyn and Adley grow and work on a better marriage with Steve.  I will be honest, your daughter dying and everything that comes along with it can take a toll on your marriage.  I think we are both at a point in our grief that it is time that we can stop looking inward and start looking to each other, too.  We can grow closer again, like we used to be.  Stop being just Ashlyn, Quinn, and Adley's mom & dad and become Meghan & Steve, the couple, again. 

 

My resolution for 2014 is to be a better me.  In every way that I can be.  Take care of myself more and put me first for a change.  Wash my face before bed, work out again, lose some more weight, get up earlier so I am not rushing in the morning, be more organized, be more patient with the girls, just work on being a better me!  Oh, and maybe even to blog more ;)

 

I hope you have a very happy and safe New Years! 

What should be perfect but isn't

This past weekend, Saturday was beautiful. Your perfect Spring day. Steve and I took the girls to the park for Ashlyn to play. I sat on the bench enjoying the sun with Adley and as it always goes, Ashlyn decided she had to pee about 15 minutes in. Of course they didn’t have the bathrooms open so we called my parents to see if they were home for her to go since we were out that way. After her potty break we walked up to the park near their house.
On the way home, I was wearing a sleeping Adley in the carrier and Ashlyn was running ahead with my mom and I thought of how perfect our life is, and then instantly that stab of pain came and reminded me just how it will never be perfect.
I am so so very blessed to have such a wonderful life. A loving husband who is good to me, respects me, and loves me for me, two BEAUTIFUL girls here with me, a wonderful supportive family, a nice little house, a job… I have a lot. I have a lot that some people would kill for. Yet, it will never be enough. It will never be perfect. My perfect died on December 2, 2011. My life will never be complete. Never.
Even the simplest of things, like a walk to the park on a beautiful day, can remind me of that, and that sucks! Sucks.

Weigh-In Monday - week 4

Phew, finally getting around to updating. This week started so strong and ended so so wrong! Isn't that the way it always is!!?!?
First off, weigh in. It wasn't great, but down. I just can't seem to get away from this damn 175!! (Well couldn't……)
　

Current weight: 175.0

This weeks loss / gain : -.8

Loss to date: 5.6

First Goal: 171.6 (5% loss)

Hard spots: Tracking - let's all just admit that it isn't going to happen and move on, okay? Okay!

Bragging : I can't even remember at this point…. Doing this post way too far after the fact but I have good reasons!
　

Sunday night I was so ready to start this week! I cut up peppers to snack on, made garlic garlic dip, blended my Green Smoothie
　

had my new awesome running shoes all ready to start the C25K program

　
and then this happened: 　

Yeah……. my poor poor baby was so so sick =(

And after that I was back to work on Tuesday and then Wednesday it was my turn. It was MISERABLE! I don't think I have EVER been that sick! But, having intestinal flu will help you drop weight! Thanks to the flu diet on Thursday I was here on the scale:

Now, I know that it wasn't a REAL loss and once I am able to eat again, if that ever happens, I will likely gain most back but it was still nice to see none-the-less!


The weather is going to be beautiful this weekend, I told the family that no one is allowed in the house unless it is nap time or bed time. We are shaking those germs off! And next week I am back on track with the C25K program! More on that in the next post!

Have a good weekend!

Explaining Heaven...

Ashlyn talks about Quinn a lot.  We encourage it.  It makes my heart smile and cry at the same time. 
She woke up the other day and the first words out of her mouth were that she told Quinn that mommy and daddy love her. 
She will randomly bring her up with no prompting at all.  She will talk about her being in Heaven with Jesus and God. 
The hard times are when she asks if she can go and see her in Heaven.  She will ask where Heaven is and when you tell her that it is way up in the sky with the clouds she wants to go.  She knows that Uncle Nick lives far away in Florida and he takes an airplane to get there so she figures that if Heaven is far away we can just fly there too.  How can you explain to someone so sweet and innocent that we can't just go and visit as much as we wish we could.  I try and tell her that someday, a long long time from now, we can all go and visit Quinney.  She will ask if random people can come as well, her cousins, Ethan and Dommie and their sister Lennyn, Nana, Papa, Terry our neighbor,...  she wants them all to go to Heaven with her and visit her sister and God. 

Oh how I wish we could visit my Quinn-Bean.  Oh how I wish that Ashlyn could know her baby sister, and Adley her big sister. 

My heart hurts today. 

Update...

I have been trying to write this post forever. Honestly, since at least Easter. I had all of my pictures all set to wow you with my cute kiddos but then could never get around to actually writing the post. Here are at least a couple of the pictures….

I really feel like I just can't get a handle on things. Being back to work is fine but I feel like I can't get everything done. I have so many things I want to spend time on and it seems they all get half-assed or not at all. The house is a disaster 90% of the time. We have this little tornado named Ashlyn who lives with us and she messes it up faster than I can pick up. It is never ending! I pick up one thing and turn to find 3 more. We teach her to put her shoes away, coat in the closet, clothes in the hamper, do not just leave puppy in the middle of the kitchen floor, yet there is still constantly stuff everywhere! Constantly! Other than just the normal upkeep to stop the house resembling too closely to the city dump, there is so much else I would love to do. I would love to keep up on couponing and actually save some money. I would love to be able to make hair bows, scrapbook… this will (most likely) be the first year that I do not have Ashlyn's album done by her birthday. I couldn't go to the weekend crop I normally go to because I had just had Adley and just don't have the time to sit and scrapbook at home. Plus, whenever you try to do something like that is when the kiddos want you! There is so many other things that I would love to do… even if it is just deep cleaning the house… but I can't find the time. When I am not with the kids I am exhausted. Plus, there is the whole spending time with Steve too which we really do not get to do as much as we would like.
Sigh…
Okay, I am done complaining. I know that every other working mom, which I put "stay-at-home moms" in this grouping as well (it is work people, you try staying home all day with a 3 year old - getting to go to work is like a vacation at times), have the same problem!
Things in the Pfeiffer house have been good. Crazy, but good!
As we are quickly approaching Ashlyn's birthday I can tell you first hand that the "terrible-two" are a joke. Seriously! Try the oh-my-fucking-gosh-my-child-is-a-monster-threes. Yeah. We're there. This weekend alone I was told "I don't love you, anymore" and Steve got the "I hate you", the first of what I am sure is many to come! That was all because we told her to either go potty or eat her dinner. Gasp! What mean parents!
Normally, I have a very sweet, smart, caring, child but get her over-tired or try and do something that she perceives as taking away any bit of independence and you might need to shield yourself from the pea soup!
Adley has been doing fabulous! I can not get enough of this child. She is so damn cute! She is smiling and cooing and just completely adorable. She is so happy and easy going! She got to hang out with her BFF / Twin, Kendal, this week and it made me see just how much of a peanut she is. Kendal is just about 6 weeks younger and is already bigger. They are so flipping cute together! Although I do not want my baby to grow up, at the same time, I can't wait until the girls are a little older and can really interact with each other. This summer is going to be so much fun!

Speaking of Summer, I just got Ashlyn enrolled in swim classes. I think I am more excited that she is!
Well, that is what is going on with us.
I have a ton of other posts that I want to write and I am hoping to get to them soon! Hopefully!!

Weigh-In Monday - week 3

I was down.  Not enough, especially since I am not even down the full pound that I gained last week, but down. 

I started the week doing great with tracking and then, as always, I started sucking.  I really just need to suck it up and pay for the meetings.  Honestly, I think that is the only way I am going to stay on track.  I need those old ladies judging me!  It costs about double and I really didn't want to fork over $40 a month but... I apparently can't find the motivation on my own!
I will say that although I wasn't down what I would like, I did fit back into some pants that I was in when I got pregnant with Adley!  Now, the shirt is very forgiving, but I am still pretty happy =)

I also got Adley's new ride!  I am so excited to try it out!  That and the 'Ease into 5k' app that I just downloaded on my phone!  I did tell my mom I would run some with her so now I have to be busy training for them!! 

Current weight: 175.8

This weeks loss / gain : -.6

Loss to date: 4.8

First Goal: 171.6 (5% loss)

Hard spots: Tracking

Bragging : Fitting into pre-pregnancy pants

This week's goal: Track!  (Isn't that every week's goal) and break in that stroller

Weigh-In Monday - week 2

Alright, I was up.

A whole pound! Ugh!

Stupid Easter candy! I can't even blame the Easter Bunny, it is all of the crap that I have bought after Easter on clearance! Terrible!

I started out doing great. Tracking everything that went into my mouth and it actually kept me from eating any of the Easter candy because I was too lazy to figure out points, lol.
Then there was the Sam's Club bag of snack size Reese's peanut butter eggs that was on sale for $4… and I might have gotten 2 of them… then the Cadbury mini-eggs…. I know, I know… terrible! So, I started eating all of that and stopped tracking. I suck at tracking, I really do. Which, is the WHOLE point of Weight Watchers!

On the plus side, I did get outside this weekend, got to walk and play with Ash running around at the park. I also picked out a jogging stroller so Addie can go for rides with me while I walk or maybe even jog around the neighborhood or on the trail near our house. I think I even have Steve convinced that it will be a good investment and not a waste, lol!

My co-worker, Brandi, and I have been walking at lunch and this week we are trying to do some sort of moving every hour. Sitting all day is pretty terrible so every hour we are doing something with weights or a quick set of squats, something to get us moving some during the day.

I am not going to get to down on myself for my one pound. I am simply going to move forward and do better! Current weight: 176.4

This weeks loss / gain : +1

Loss to date: 4.2

First Goal: 171.6 (5% loss)

Hard spots: Damn Reese's and their delicious peanut butter eggs!

Bragging : I got nothing. I sucked, that is all there is to it.

This week's goal: Track, track, track, work on some sort of quick set every hour, and get outside and moving as much as possible!

Weigh-in Monday

Well, I was down.

It might have only been by .2 but it was down.

Even at only .2, I am calling this a success! The fact that I was not up is pretty much a miracle considering I had whoppers, a Reese peanut-butter egg, and a Cadbury egg for breakfast yesterday. Then a delicious Easter dinner…. Really, any loss is a success this week.

But now, Easter is over and I have zero excuses to not do better this week!
I am going to track EVERYTHING! Even dinner!

Current weight: 175.4

This weeks loss / gain : -.2

Loss to date: 5.2

First Goal: 171.6 (5% loss)

Hard spots: Easter! All that wonderful candy and my favorite meal of the year!

Bragging : The fact that I was down at all!

This weeks goal: Track, track, track!

Weight Watchers

Before I got pregnant with Miss Aldey, I was doing Weight Watchers.  I had just hit my 30 pounds lost mark when I found out I was pregnant and instantly started shoving my face ;) Hey, I knew that it would (most likely) be the last time I would ever be pregnant and my last chance to eat with no guilt! 

I am not even sure what I exactly gained this pregnancy but I know that I kept on 22.8 pounds from where I was before. 
I am again going with Weight Watchers to help me get this weight off but this time I opted for only online rather than the meetings. 

I am quickly regretting this decision. 

Now, even when we did "the meetings" we rarely ever stayed for them, but in all honesty, I NEED those ladies judging me to keep me accountable.  I need those disapproving looks when I gain. 

However, I am cheap.  Meetings are twice the cost! 

So, we are going to try something else. 
You, yes you, are going to help keep me accountable.  Mondays are weigh in day so, I am going to post my weight, yes, my real weight, here!  I swear I will be honest.  Maybe I will even take a picture of the scale. 

I started WW on 2/27 at...

ugh, this is harder than I thought...

okay, 180.6 pounds. 

This Monday I was at 175.6, thus loosing a whopping 5 pounds so far. 

I don't have an exact number in mind for where I want to get down to but I think I would like to lose right around 40 pounds.  That would be right about where I was when we got married. 

I need to think of some rewards for when I hit my milestones.
Now, I just need to stay motivated and actually track!  I suck at tracking!  I do great during the day at work where things are controlled but at home, not so much!  It is so much work to figure out points when you actually cook.
 I swear I will start doing it though! 

Maybe slightly neurotic

I have learned this week that I might be slightly more neurotic than I thought.

Now that's scary!

Adley has a cold.
It started last Wednesday and has just been miserable. Runny and snotty nose, congestion, sneezing, coughing… miserable! It is hell to watch your baby be sick. It is also hell to have to make them cry while trying to make them better. I hate that bulb sucker as much as she does.

It wasn't until this Wednesday that I realized that I might be slightly crazy over this child. Renee and I were talking and she mentioned that Adley was coughing more and more and at times seemed to be having a hard time catching her breath. She emphasized that it was nothing serious but that it was making her worry. She was watching her and her mouth WAS NOT turning blue during these episodes and it wasn't constant but enough. I called the doctor and got her in for later that day.

Then I sat back down at my desk and the crazy started.

I have never been an over-protective mom. Believe me. Ashlyn is way too adventurous for me to even try to be. Honestly, one of her favorite things to do is jump off of her bed or the couch onto her over-size bean bag. I am not over protective yet I sat at my desk crying thinking, "I can't bury another one".

Yep, crazy!

I KNEW that Adley was OK. I knew that it was a cold. I trust Renee completely and though she was worried she wasn't overly concerned and I knew that meant Adley was fine. Yet with me being away from her I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop the thoughts from coming into my head and the panic creeping in.

I knew that Quinn's death would have an impact on my whole life and now I know that it will also have an impact on Adley's, in more than a 'yeah I had an older sister that died' way. You know that commercial with the mom who is blocking the dodge balls from her son? Yep, that will be me. Ashlyn will be running and jumping and climbing trees while Adley will be in my little bubble I create her. Now, don't get me wrong, I would NEVER want anything to happen to Ashlyn but I am not afraid so much of her dying. She is here and established and I don't know… like I said, neurotic. I just don't have as much fear with her but with Adley, I still expect her to be taken away. I think that is what it comes down to. I feel like one of these days she will be ripped away from me, just like her sister was. It hasn't really sunk in that I might be lucky enough to get to keep her.

Steve asked me the other day when we were going to put her in her crib. Umm…. Never….
OK, I KNOW that at some point the child will have to sleep someplace other than in her rock-n-play next to my bed but for now, I like her right there next to me. I can hear her sweet little grunts and know that she is OK. I use the excuse that it is easier while I am breastfeeding, which is true. It is easier but… it is also that I can't stand the thought of her not being right next to me.
Now, there are other things that I am totally laid back about. With Ashlyn, I felt like I had to hold her all. the. time. I was afraid of putting her down and her waking up or something. I was a new mom and didn't know any better. With Adley, as soon as she was asleep I put her in her swing or RNP or wherever. I am also not as fast to jump when she starts crying. I know that she will be OK to wait until I am able to get to her.
　
On a different note, Tuesday was the Precious Parents meeting. It is so great to go and just think of Quinn. I don't get to do that often being so busy with working full time and being mom of two so I cherish those few hours where I get to parent my middle child. Oh how I wish I had my 3 girls at home with me. I know that had Quinn made it we most likely wouldn't have Adley but it is still fun and heartbreaking to think of the what if. What if we did have all 3 at home right now. How crazy and wonderful would our life be! I wish…..
Well, I leave you with a picture of my beautiful youngest child, the source of a lot of my neurosis. OK, probably not really the source, I think I had a lot of it already she is just making me realize the extent of it =)
Isn't she just freaking gorgeous! Oh, I could just eat her up!

Birth Story

My beautiful Adley Mae is here! 

I am again head over heals in love!  She is beautiful and I could spend all day snuggling with her!  She is tiny, well for one of my babies anyway!  Did I say that I am in love?  I could gush over her forever! 
For those who don't know, Adley was born on January 14th at 9:14pm.  She was 7 pounds 14 ounces.   
Once again I had a great labor.  This one was a bit more intense being that it was the first that I actually went into labor on my own.  With Ashlyn my water was leaking so I was induced and with Quinn I was also induced.

With Adley it was all her.

It started Sunday evening.  I just didn't feel good.  That night I was having contractions but nothing timeable, just enough to keep me uncomfortable and not able to sleep.  I decided to go to work anyway figuring it was nothing and just the normal joys of pregnancy.  I was tired and feeling pretty crappy but up until around noon I was mainly OK.  Then I started having more and more contractions.  I still managed to stay until around 2 and then I had to go home to relax.  Relaxing in my world is doing the dishes (hey, if I was in labor I didn't want to come home to dishes in the sink), take a shower (to shave my legs of course), and pack my hospital bag.  I got all of that done and finally laid down.
By this time the contractions were about 9 minutes apart but they weren't terrible.  Uncomfortable but I didn't have to breath through them or anything.  After a while I decided to go downstairs and sit in the rocker in Adley's room.  I talked to Steve right before he left work and we (I) decided that we would leave Ashlyn at Renee's house seeing as the contractions were about 6 minutes apart by this time.  I still do not think that Steve thought I was in labor.  By the time that he got home they were 2 to 3 minutes apart but still not as painful.  At this point I think he finally realized that this was happening and started running around to get everything ready for us to go to the hospital.  I spent the next 15 minutes or so trying to get a hold of the after hours line for the midwife.  I FINALLY got a hold of someone and spoke to the midwife on call and told her that I was ready to head to the hospital.  She said to go ahead, they would check me and let her know if I would be admitted. 
The ride to the hospital sucked.  My contractions were now painful.  PAINFUL!  Of course this is when you get behind someone that appears to be high because there is no reason that you should be going that slow on the express way, ever!  Ever!  Especially not when there is a woman in labor behind you. 
We got to the hospital right around 6.  At Labor and Delivery Triage I saw 2 clearly pregnant girls waiting.  One sitting and one leaning against the wall.  Neither of them about to die as their baby ripping its' way out of their body.  Me being in tears, moaning and near screams got taken first.  It was kind of them.  They quickly got me checked and I was at 5cm.  I remember one nurse saying that they thought that this was going to be a "stop and drop" but lucky or everyone we had a little time. 
I will admit that I was a bitch.  I was in pain and it wasn't like a contraction, rest, another contraction, they were right on top of each other.  There was very little rest.  I wanted to claw Steve's arm.  Literally.  It took all that I had to not.  I yelled at him to not touch me, not move me, snapped at the midwife who had to ask the same question over and over again. 
Thankfully, I did get my epidural rather quickly.  It was much harder this time to sit still for it.  With Ashlyn I was uncomfortable but never in serious pain, I more got the epidural when I did because I was so tired.  With Quinn, I never felt a single contraction.  Once the drugs were in though, I was happy and much nicer.  Also, the annoying midwife was off and my favorite, who I have seen since before I got married, Molly, was now my midwife! 
The rest of labor was pretty uneventful.  Around 8:15 or so Molly checked me and I was at around 9.5 cm and would have been full 10 but my water hadn't broke yet, though it was bulging.  Molly went ahead and broke it and around 9 Molly said that I should start pushing.  The only thing was I didn't feel the need to push.  With both of the other girls I knew when it was time.  This time, nothing.  But, we went ahead and started anyway.  I pushed a couple of times and nothing was really happening.  Molly finally felt up there and could tell that not only was Adley sunny side up but she had her head tilted up and was stuck.  I have to say that Molly did a great job keeping me calm.  She said that she needed the doctor to come in and they were going to have to try and move her.  I knew that if she didn't move I was going to have to go for a c-section but I managed to keep calm and not freak out.  I asked if I should keep pushing and Molly said that a couple times wouldn't hurt.  I pushed one more time and when I stopped I felt her move.  Suddenly I actually felt the need to push and knew that one more push and she would be out and that is exactly what happened.  By the time the doctor was coming into the room Adley was coming into this world! 

9:14pm and I finally got to meet my rainbow!

My beautiful, ooey gooey baby!  Out of the 3 girls, this was the first time I got to hold my ooey gooey baby!  With Ashlyn they had to take her right away due to my water leaking for nearly 24 hours and of course Quinn had to be taken to be assessed.  This time though, I got to cuddle my baby as soon she was in this world!  I honestly could have stared at that little face forever!

We decided that we wanted pictures taken during her birth seeing as this would be a very emotional experience.  Of course all births are, but we figured that this might be a bit more than your typical birth experience.  I am so so very thankful that we have these pictures.  They capture everything perfectly.  I can look at these pictures and I see the pure JOY.  Complete and utter joy and amazement! 

Adley is a wonderful baby!  She is beautiful and calm and just perfect!  Honestly, bringing a baby home for the second time is a whole lot easier than the first.  There isn't the stress of the not knowing. 
Ashlyn is an amazing big sister!  She LOVES her baby sister and is always wanting to hold her and help take care of her.  I was worried that she would feel slighted, especially since she is such a Momma's girl and I am nursing but she has been such a big girl and very understanding.  I am so very proud of my little lady!  I couldn't ask for better daughters, all 3 of them.

I will admit that there are times that I look at Adley and my heart breaks for Quinn.  I miss her every day and I promise you that as happy as I am to be Adley's mom I would give anything to have my Quinn back as well!  It is surreal.  Adley looks a lot like Quinn and I think that makes it even harder at times.  It is hard to put the feelings into words.  I know that if Quinn hadn't died or if she never had T13 that Adley wouldn't be here.  It is hard to think of my world without Adley now that she is in it and to think if it weren't for her sister dying she wouldn't be here is just.....  like I said, it is hard to put into words. 

I know that my little Quinn-Bean is in Heaven smiling down on her baby sister and that makes me smile! 
I am a very happy and proud Mommy!  I love my 3 girls with all my heart!

Now that I have rambled forever, here are a few pictures of Adley not all ooey gooey =)
Gawd, is she gorgeous!  Even if she does look just like her daddy and nothing like me!

 

Christmas

Christmas was wonderful. Ashlyn was very excited for all of her gifts and had a great time playing with her cousins from North Carolina on Christmas day. We of course missed our Quinn but overall it was a very enjoyable Christmas. We did go out to the cemetery, just Steve and I, on Sunday and decorated for Christmas. It was nice, been a while since we went without Ashlyn and just got to be quite and be with Quinn for a little bit.

We intended to go on Christmas but because I am suffering a terrible case of pregnancy brain we ended up not making it. We did however end up at my parents house 2 hours before dinner, lol! Oh well, it worked out so Ashlyn could take a nap and Quinn knows that she was with us that day so I am comfortable with that.
I must say though, I am glad that it is all over. I didn’t really feel the Christmas spirit this year even though I did very much enjoy it but the real spirit wasn't there. I am ready to relax and most importantly get this little bee's room ready! And wash all of the cloths, maybe even weed out another bag for goodwill. Get all of the baby gear out and washed as well. I feel very unprepared for her to be joining us so the next couple weeks I will be very focused on getting those things done. I am so very ready for this 4 day weekend coming up where we do not have a ton of running to do and I can really concentrate on getting her room and things done!

My cousin and his wife just had their 3rd baby so Steve and I went up to the hospital to visit them on Sunday. It was wonderful to hold Lennyn Rose and neither Steve nor I wanted to give her up, lol!

Can't wait until it is our own little Bee we are squeezing!! Less than 5 weeks!!!

Have I mentioned that we do officially have a middle name?

Adley Mae =)

Yep, I won! LOL!
It was actually sort of Steve who gave up. We made me a deal a while before Thanksgiving that if I would concede to not paint the nursery and keep it the pink that we had for Ashlyn that I could pick any middle name that I wanted. I honestly did have to think about it. I had a very clear vision of the room that I wanted and this was changing it completely. However, I knew that this was my only chance. If I didn't take this opportunity to pick the name I would somehow lose and I really love Mae. So, the room is pink. Maybe that is why I have had a hard time getting in there to work on it. I know that there isn't that much to really do and I don't yet completely have my vision of what it will be since I am no longer doing the walls the aqua color that I had planned. I know that it will turn out and my mom and I found some fabulous material for curtains so that did help. Now we just need to get the curtains made!


I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a safe happy New Year! We will be staying in watching some Ryan Secrest and drinking some sparkling grape juice… and I am perfectly okay with that =)

Beam me up

I heard this song this morning on the Elvis Duran show, Beam me up by Pink. They were playing it after the horrific events on Friday, which I just still can't fully think about. It hurts too much to think of what those parents and siblings are going through.

Of course it also made me think of my Quinn-Bean. Although, I don't know that a minute would be enough…..


There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parralell universe
Where nothig breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

It's Gonna Be a Good Life

Funny how it works…….

I just started thinking how at this time one year ago I was getting out of bed to face the day that I would bury my daughter. To face my nightmare.

The last time I would see that sweet face, touch her hand, or feel the touch of her hair on my lips. That was my favorite, so soft and wonderful.

I was just having this thought and at that exact time, her song came on.

It's Gonna be a good life

I love you Quinney! Thank you for reminding me that it is going to be okay!
I miss you baby girl!

December 3rd

While it seems like December 3rd shouldn't mean much, today has been the hardest day I have had in....  I don't know... since right after Quinney died I would guess. 
November 28th is her birthday (which was a good day, and there will be a post coming at some point), December 2nd was the day that she died and it was fine up until around 10:30.  We had a good day, we took Ashlyn to the blimp hanger to donate toys for Toys for Tots, went to Donzelle's to check out their Christmas stuff, and then home to watch the Browns game.  It was a good day.  After Ashlyn went to bed I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was the time that I never wanted to have to face.  It was the exact moments that, one year ago, I was holding my baby as she died in my arms.  As much as I didn't want to face it, I had to.  I couldn't ignore it and so, the tears came.  I wanted to just sleep and wake up and it be over but that didn't happen either.  After I cried myself to sleep thinking of those final moments with my Bean, I woke up and just like last December 3rd, I had to face the world with out my baby.  Nothing had stopped, everyone else continued on with their lives just like nothing had happened.  But something had happened, my heart was still broken.  I was still here and my baby isn't. 
I survived a whole year without her.  First Christmas, Easter, birthday... all of these firsts that she should have got to celebrate and didn't.  But I survived them.  Without her.  But today, today, I didn't want to survive.  I didn't want to carry on and act like everything was okay.  So, I didn't.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I remembered and thought of my baby and what should have been.  I, for the first time, called off work and let myself feel sorry for myself.  I deserved it.  Quinn deserved it.  No matter how much it hurts she deserves to be remembered and that is what I did today.  I did what was best for her and me and just let myself go and remember.
It is a lot easier to just push the feelings and memories to the side and go on like I am fine.  A lot easier.  Sometimes though, sometimes, we actually have to face our grief and remind ourselves that is okay.  It is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry!  I am not always that great at doing this but today, as much as it sucked, it was good.  It was good for me to just remember and even to feel sorry for myself.
Now, tomorrow I will go on and be strong again. 

I Survived our first Thanksgiving!

Well, I survived. I had a good Thanksgiving. We had breakfast at Steve's parents and then spent the rest of the day at my Grandma's house. It was nice. We weren't rushed, we relaxed and enjoyed our families. Later in the evening I went shopping with Renee and might have went a little crazy on the sleepers for Adley! It was fun and not too overwhelming at all. Of course I wasn't out for any of the super major deals so I didn't have to worry about fighting with anyone over a TV or toaster oven =)
I have been feeling good. I am very thankful for this. I have my moments and there were times over the holiday that I had that sudden feeling of the wind being knocked out of me but for the most part, I feel good. It is / was hard to think of where we were just one year ago. Knowing that as soon as the weekend was over we would be meeting our baby one way or another. Would she be alive? Would she already be gone? Would she live for seconds? Would we have her for years? All of the unknown made that weekend nearly unbearable. What I remember of it anyway. Really, I don't remember all that much. I remember the fight that Steve and I had Wednesday night over going to my family's. He didn't feel up to it and I fought that we had to. I mean, it was our responsibility right? Put on the happy face and go and be Thankful for what we had? In the end it was Ashlyn and I that left and he stayed home. Ash fell asleep on the way there and I finally realized that it was okay to not put on the happy face. I text that I wasn't coming, picked up some starbucks and headed home. Sometimes, it really is ok to not live up to everyone else's expectations and as it turned out, no one, not one person, questioned that we weren't there. Hell, they probably would have questioned it if we were there!
Other than that, I don't really remember what we even did the rest of the weekend. I know that there was a dinner at my Grandma's and a dinner at Steve's parents but I couldn't tell you any specifics. I think we might have even had a Christmas get together at my parents but really, I don’t know… all a blur.
This year was much different and while it is at times still hard to be thankful for everything that I have because I am still so pissed at what I lost, I am. I am thankful. I am thankful for my family. My husband who at times drives me flipping crazy but I couldn't imagine my life for one moment without him by my side. My Ashlyn who is honestly the sweetest, funniest little girl I could hope for! Who is so darn excited to be having "another sister"! I love that she always, always, always, says "another"! Almost like she understand!
For my wonderful family and friends! So many people who have stood by us through the past year and helped us, even if you didn't always know that you were helping.
I have so much to be thankful for!
Ashlyn has been mentioning Quinn a lot more lately. She often asks where Quinn is. I tell her that she is in Heaven and when she asks why I tell her that she was too sick to stay here with us. In her innocence she says that she wants to go to Quinn's house to see her. I wish! I tell her that someday we will see her again. She gets it as much as a 2 year old can. It is sweet and sad. I know that as she gets older there will be more questions and I am okay with this. My goal in life is to make sure that my girls know their sister as much as they can. That she is a part of our life and our family always! Always! After hearing stories of how unsupportive families / friends can be I am thankful that my family is not like this at all
So, I survived Thanksgiving and now it is onto her birthday. I am anxious for Wednesday. I know that there will be tears but I also feel like it will be a good day. A nice day for the 3 of us to celebrate the life, no matter how short, of our Quinn-Bean!

Comfort

Today was my OB appointment. Things are looking great!! I am 27 weeks 4 days and measuring 29 weeks. So I have actually slow down since I was measuring 26 weeks at my last appointment 4 weeks ago. BP, weight, everything is looking good with me, though I would like the weight to slow down! Heart beat was 152. This little girl is a mover! Constantly squirming and kicking! I am thinking we might have an Irish dancer on our hands from the feel of it most times! I love it!
Today was also my one our glucose test. Now, me being the dumbass that I am had a café mocha at home before the appointment. I was totally not thinking and actually it never even occurred to me until the tech asked me what was in my cup before I drank the glucose crap. At that point I was only sipping on water but she mentioned that she just wanted to make sure it was Mt Dew or something or I would be back for the 3 hour. Yeah. Hand to the forehead! I am hoping that my saving grace might be that my numbers always tend to be very low and maybe just maybe I didn't totally screw myself and just fail so I have to sit there for 3 effing hours! I guess we will find out in the next few days if they call me. If they call I failed, if I passed no call! Let's pray for no call!
So last night, I had my very first dream where Quinn was in it. In nearly a year this is the very first time that she has ever been in my dream. Now that is not to say that she was not thought of in a dream. I have had dreams where she existed and I knew that I had lost her but she herself has never appeared in my dreams. Does that make sense? I remember very little of the dream but I know that she was there. She was a little older and beautiful. That is what I remember most, she was beautiful! I do remember that I got to hold her though she was at least a couple months old.. Maybe older, I don't know, I can't place it. I told her over and over how beautiful she was. I wish that I would see her in my dreams every night. I woke up missing her but feeling happy. I have been feeling good lately. Comforted. I can't really get into specifics at the request of others but there has been some events that have made me feel like she is here with us. That she is always here. The most comforting though is the feeling that she knew that we were there and that she was surrounded by love when she died. That she knew that I was holding her close to me. I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it is to think that she really did know.
Anyway, sorry for being all cryptic, but it doesn't really matter why I have found this comfort, I have and it is a wonderful feeling. I miss my Bean but I feel her with me more and more =)
Now I have to get planning that party =)

Some Halloween cuteness!

I have been trying to write this post for weeks now. Weeks!  (do I say that with every post now?)

Things have been good.

Let's see, where do we start? Crop. Crop was great! It was the perfect time and place to work on Quinn's album. I had a great time and most importantly I finished Quinn's album. I LOVE it! Love it! I feel more complete in my grieving… does that make sense? Like I have taken a step forward. I no longer have this huge project looming over my head. It is done and I have something beautiful and meaningful to show off to the world of my baby! I am so very proud of it! Her album actually ended up being 2 and the second will continue to be added to. We will add pictures from her birthday celebrations, the ornament that we get her every year… it will be added to and that makes me feel good too.  Eventually I plan to add some of the pages that I did but not yet.  Once our families get a chance to see it first!

Let's see… what else….. The rooms. Eh.. We have not done near what we should have had done by now but we are getting there. So far the wallpaper is completely down, walls have been cleaned with TSP, holes patched, and the ceiling painted. We are very slowly getting there. It will be painted this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! If it kills me! Or more likely, if it kills Steve, it will be painted! Now, this is Ashlyn's new room… nothing has happened in Adley's but that will come once Ash is moved and will not take near the work! Thank goodness there is no wallpaper in there!

Yesterday was Quinn's 11 month birthday. I just don't even know how it is possible! How far we have come in 11 months. I miss my bean and still cry often but I do feel like I have… I don't know how to explain it. I will never move on and there is always a hole in my core that I will never fill but I feel…. Ok…. I guess as Ok as I ever can feel… maybe. I don't know. I feel like I am somewhat settling into this new normal. The normal that though still sucks I am becoming accustom to. The normal that when I lay in bed after Ash has come up to cuddle with Steve and ,I and her hot little breath is on my face and her sweet little arm is around my neck all the while Adley is kicking away and I think, this is close to perfect as my life can ever get. It will NEVER be perfect because there is this huge part of us missing but it is as close to perfect as it can get. I have 2 of my girls here with me the other is looking down on us hopefully smiling that we have come so far.
With yesterday being Bean's 11 month birthday, that means that we are quickly approaching the one year mark. Steve and I have discussed it a few times and I think we decided what we feel is the best way to celebrate her short life. Her actual birthday is on a Wednesday. I was hoping to take Wed - Fri off work but can't with other vacations but I am at least taking off the 28th. Steve, Ash, and I are going to of course go up to visit her at the cemetery and then go to dinner. We are going to go to Spaghetti Warehouse. Now, their food pretty much sucks but it is a place that reminds us of Quinney. Steve and I often went to lunch there after our meetings with the Palliative care team and Neonatologists. We also went there for lunch the day that she died. We wanted out of the hospital for a few minutes so we ran down there. Like I said, their food isn't great but it is one of the only places downtown that is fast to get in and out of . The décor is pretty neat though and it reminds us of Quinn so I think that it is the perfect place to celebrate her birthday. On Saturday we are planning on having a very small birthday celebration. Just family and some cupcakes to celebrate her life. I think it will be perfect! The following Sunday will be one year from her death. I think, think, that I will be ok. The 2nd was not a bad day. It was a good day until very late that evening. The 3rd, the 3rd was the hard day. That was the day that I had to wake up to a beautiful sunny unseasonably warm day, without my baby. Now THAT will be the hard day to face.

So, I think that is it.

Oh, trick or treat! I LOVE Halloween! It is so much fun! Ashlyn was an adorable Minnie Mouse! Adorable!!! Ashlyn had a GREAT time! Her cousins, Bella, Brycen, & Haylee came over, as well as Zaina's daughter Anaya and nephew Trey. Ash was the perfect little trick or treater! She would get right up there and say it and then a nice Thank you after! One house was decked out. Michael Myers and Jason passing out candy, the big girls were too afraid to go up and Ash just walked her little Minnie butt right up there! After T or T everyone came back to our house. Grandma and Papa went with us too! The kids had a great time playing and we had tater-tot casserole and apple crisp! Delicious! I seriously love Halloween!

 Thankfully our weather wasn't too terrible. It was chilly and misty but it wasn't raining so it wasn't too bad!

Hopefully I will have pictures of the new room mostly finished this weekend =)

We have a headstone and some other ramblings

I have been trying to write this post for weeks now and just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it. Things have been very busy in the Pfeiffer house.
First off, we have a headstone. An absolutely beautiful headstone! It stands out so well being the only pink one. I love it! I will admit that it was sort of hard to see for the first time. So… final. At the same time it was a wonderful feeling to know that my Quinn was here and now all the world can see that! She lived and yes, she died, but she lived! She lived for 4 days and everyone that goes there can see that now! She has a place not only in the hearts of all of us but also a permanent place there, even if it is in a cemetery it is still hers!

　
Other than that things have been going well.
Much better than my last post.
We all have our days and I think I had a few weeks there but no apologies here. I deserve to have a break down now and again.
I will never lie and tell you that this is easy.
It isn't.
There are days where it is hard to not just break down and cry and scream at the universe that you don't understand why your baby had to die. Sometimes I get lost thinking about her and her little squeaks. Ashlyn might do something sweet like say "I love you mommy" before bed and it will bring me to tears because I never get to hear Quinn say that.
It isn't easy.
It sucks.
Though I don't cry every day I think of her every day and I pray that never changes. This isn't easy and there will be times when I will have break downs and might seem a little crazy. There are also times when my and Steve's marriage will take a backseat as we try to just make it through the days but we will still be okay. I have no doubt in this fact.
Lately, Steve and I have been great. We have been spending time together and talking and it has been nice. Actually, Ashlyn has spent the night someplace the past two weekends and will be this weekend as well. While this is not a trend that I plan to continue it has been nice to have some Meghan and Steve time as opposed to Mommy and Daddy time. The one weekend was my birthday. I spent the morning with Renee and Ashlyn running to a few stores and then I dropped off a screaming Ashlyn and Renee to her house so I could go home and get some stuff that I wanted to do done. Picked up Ash and she and Steve gave me part of my birthday present which Ashlyn opened for me =) It is a beautiful Willow figurine of a couple holding their new baby. I love it. We then dropped Ash off to Nana and Papa and went out to dinner and then to Jared's where I got a few more charms for my pandora bracelet, which is now full =) Saturday morning we went and watched Annabelle's soccer game and then went to Kohls. We got lots of stuff for both girls and a few things for both of us too. Had lunch together… we were a couple. Not parents of a 2 year old we were just us.
This past weekend Ashlyn spent the night with Grandma and Papa so Steve and I could go to a wedding. Two weekends in a row with date nights! How lucky are we =)
Now this weekend Ash is going to Aunt Kesh and Uncle Chris's house while I go to an all weekend scrap booking crop. I am so so very excited for this "me" time! I go twice a year but this will be the first time that I am doing all 3 days. I am not sure if I will get to do the spring one seeing as I will have a 1 and a half month old at home! We'll see but for now I am taking advantage of this full weekend of me time! I plan to work on Quinn's album.
I have been stressing myself out about it for a good while now but I think I am pretty prepared for it now. I feel like I need to be REALLY organized and focused to be able to do this album and have it be the way that I want. I think I am at that point. I have printed poems and pictures and I think I can do it. I am really hoping to not be the crazy girl sitting there crying over my pictures but if I am, oh well! It will be emotional and hard but I really think that I will feel so much better once it is done. I will have something to show off of my baby girl. There is a good chance that I might carry this with me everywhere I go and just shove it in people's faces and be all, "here, look at this! This is my baby, and she lived!" So if I do that to you, I apologize now =)
I hope to scan a few of the pages, maybe all of them, and share them with you once the album is done but for now, I leave you with this….