Well, I survived. I had a good Thanksgiving. We had breakfast at Steve's parents and then spent the rest of the day at my Grandma's house. It was nice. We weren't rushed, we relaxed and enjoyed our families. Later in the evening I went shopping with Renee and might have went a little crazy on the sleepers for Adley! It was fun and not too overwhelming at all. Of course I wasn't out for any of the super major deals so I didn't have to worry about fighting with anyone over a TV or toaster oven =)
I have been feeling good. I am very thankful for this. I have my moments and there were times over the holiday that I had that sudden feeling of the wind being knocked out of me but for the most part, I feel good. It is / was hard to think of where we were just one year ago. Knowing that as soon as the weekend was over we would be meeting our baby one way or another. Would she be alive? Would she already be gone? Would she live for seconds? Would we have her for years? All of the unknown made that weekend nearly unbearable. What I remember of it anyway. Really, I don't remember all that much. I remember the fight that Steve and I had Wednesday night over going to my family's. He didn't feel up to it and I fought that we had to. I mean, it was our responsibility right? Put on the happy face and go and be Thankful for what we had? In the end it was Ashlyn and I that left and he stayed home. Ash fell asleep on the way there and I finally realized that it was okay to not put on the happy face. I text that I wasn't coming, picked up some starbucks and headed home. Sometimes, it really is ok to not live up to everyone else's expectations and as it turned out, no one, not one person, questioned that we weren't there. Hell, they probably would have questioned it if we were there!
Other than that, I don't really remember what we even did the rest of the weekend. I know that there was a dinner at my Grandma's and a dinner at Steve's parents but I couldn't tell you any specifics. I think we might have even had a Christmas get together at my parents but really, I don’t know… all a blur.
This year was much different and while it is at times still hard to be thankful for everything that I have because I am still so pissed at what I lost, I am. I am thankful. I am thankful for my family. My husband who at times drives me flipping crazy but I couldn't imagine my life for one moment without him by my side. My Ashlyn who is honestly the sweetest, funniest little girl I could hope for! Who is so darn excited to be having "another sister"! I love that she always, always, always, says "another"! Almost like she understand!
For my wonderful family and friends! So many people who have stood by us through the past year and helped us, even if you didn't always know that you were helping.
I have so much to be thankful for!
Ashlyn has been mentioning Quinn a lot more lately. She often asks where Quinn is. I tell her that she is in Heaven and when she asks why I tell her that she was too sick to stay here with us. In her innocence she says that she wants to go to Quinn's house to see her. I wish! I tell her that someday we will see her again. She gets it as much as a 2 year old can. It is sweet and sad. I know that as she gets older there will be more questions and I am okay with this. My goal in life is to make sure that my girls know their sister as much as they can. That she is a part of our life and our family always! Always! After hearing stories of how unsupportive families / friends can be I am thankful that my family is not like this at all
So, I survived Thanksgiving and now it is onto her birthday. I am anxious for Wednesday. I know that there will be tears but I also feel like it will be a good day. A nice day for the 3 of us to celebrate the life, no matter how short, of our Quinn-Bean!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Comfort
Today was my OB appointment. Things are looking great!! I am 27 weeks 4 days and measuring 29 weeks. So I have actually slow down since I was measuring 26 weeks at my last appointment 4 weeks ago. BP, weight, everything is looking good with me, though I would like the weight to slow down! Heart beat was 152. This little girl is a mover! Constantly squirming and kicking! I am thinking we might have an Irish dancer on our hands from the feel of it most times! I love it!
Today was also my one our glucose test. Now, me being the dumbass that I am had a café mocha at home before the appointment. I was totally not thinking and actually it never even occurred to me until the tech asked me what was in my cup before I drank the glucose crap. At that point I was only sipping on water but she mentioned that she just wanted to make sure it was Mt Dew or something or I would be back for the 3 hour. Yeah. Hand to the forehead! I am hoping that my saving grace might be that my numbers always tend to be very low and maybe just maybe I didn't totally screw myself and just fail so I have to sit there for 3 effing hours! I guess we will find out in the next few days if they call me. If they call I failed, if I passed no call! Let's pray for no call!
So last night, I had my very first dream where Quinn was in it. In nearly a year this is the very first time that she has ever been in my dream. Now that is not to say that she was not thought of in a dream. I have had dreams where she existed and I knew that I had lost her but she herself has never appeared in my dreams. Does that make sense? I remember very little of the dream but I know that she was there. She was a little older and beautiful. That is what I remember most, she was beautiful! I do remember that I got to hold her though she was at least a couple months old.. Maybe older, I don't know, I can't place it. I told her over and over how beautiful she was. I wish that I would see her in my dreams every night. I woke up missing her but feeling happy. I have been feeling good lately. Comforted. I can't really get into specifics at the request of others but there has been some events that have made me feel like she is here with us. That she is always here. The most comforting though is the feeling that she knew that we were there and that she was surrounded by love when she died. That she knew that I was holding her close to me. I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it is to think that she really did know.
Anyway, sorry for being all cryptic, but it doesn't really matter why I have found this comfort, I have and it is a wonderful feeling. I miss my Bean but I feel her with me more and more =)
Now I have to get planning that party =)
Today was also my one our glucose test. Now, me being the dumbass that I am had a café mocha at home before the appointment. I was totally not thinking and actually it never even occurred to me until the tech asked me what was in my cup before I drank the glucose crap. At that point I was only sipping on water but she mentioned that she just wanted to make sure it was Mt Dew or something or I would be back for the 3 hour. Yeah. Hand to the forehead! I am hoping that my saving grace might be that my numbers always tend to be very low and maybe just maybe I didn't totally screw myself and just fail so I have to sit there for 3 effing hours! I guess we will find out in the next few days if they call me. If they call I failed, if I passed no call! Let's pray for no call!
So last night, I had my very first dream where Quinn was in it. In nearly a year this is the very first time that she has ever been in my dream. Now that is not to say that she was not thought of in a dream. I have had dreams where she existed and I knew that I had lost her but she herself has never appeared in my dreams. Does that make sense? I remember very little of the dream but I know that she was there. She was a little older and beautiful. That is what I remember most, she was beautiful! I do remember that I got to hold her though she was at least a couple months old.. Maybe older, I don't know, I can't place it. I told her over and over how beautiful she was. I wish that I would see her in my dreams every night. I woke up missing her but feeling happy. I have been feeling good lately. Comforted. I can't really get into specifics at the request of others but there has been some events that have made me feel like she is here with us. That she is always here. The most comforting though is the feeling that she knew that we were there and that she was surrounded by love when she died. That she knew that I was holding her close to me. I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it is to think that she really did know.
Anyway, sorry for being all cryptic, but it doesn't really matter why I have found this comfort, I have and it is a wonderful feeling. I miss my Bean but I feel her with me more and more =)
Now I have to get planning that party =)
Monday, October 29, 2012
Some Halloween cuteness!
I have been trying to write this post for weeks now. Weeks! (do I say that with every post now?)
Things have been good.
Let's see, where do we start? Crop. Crop was great! It was the perfect time and place to work on Quinn's album. I had a great time and most importantly I finished Quinn's album. I LOVE it! Love it! I feel more complete in my grieving… does that make sense? Like I have taken a step forward. I no longer have this huge project looming over my head. It is done and I have something beautiful and meaningful to show off to the world of my baby! I am so very proud of it! Her album actually ended up being 2 and the second will continue to be added to. We will add pictures from her birthday celebrations, the ornament that we get her every year… it will be added to and that makes me feel good too. Eventually I plan to add some of the pages that I did but not yet. Once our families get a chance to see it first!
Let's see… what else….. The rooms. Eh.. We have not done near what we should have had done by now but we are getting there. So far the wallpaper is completely down, walls have been cleaned with TSP, holes patched, and the ceiling painted. We are very slowly getting there. It will be painted this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! If it kills me! Or more likely, if it kills Steve, it will be painted! Now, this is Ashlyn's new room… nothing has happened in Adley's but that will come once Ash is moved and will not take near the work! Thank goodness there is no wallpaper in there!
Yesterday was Quinn's 11 month birthday. I just don't even know how it is possible! How far we have come in 11 months. I miss my bean and still cry often but I do feel like I have… I don't know how to explain it. I will never move on and there is always a hole in my core that I will never fill but I feel…. Ok…. I guess as Ok as I ever can feel… maybe. I don't know. I feel like I am somewhat settling into this new normal. The normal that though still sucks I am becoming accustom to. The normal that when I lay in bed after Ash has come up to cuddle with Steve and ,I and her hot little breath is on my face and her sweet little arm is around my neck all the while Adley is kicking away and I think, this is close to perfect as my life can ever get. It will NEVER be perfect because there is this huge part of us missing but it is as close to perfect as it can get. I have 2 of my girls here with me the other is looking down on us hopefully smiling that we have come so far.
With yesterday being Bean's 11 month birthday, that means that we are quickly approaching the one year mark. Steve and I have discussed it a few times and I think we decided what we feel is the best way to celebrate her short life. Her actual birthday is on a Wednesday. I was hoping to take Wed - Fri off work but can't with other vacations but I am at least taking off the 28th. Steve, Ash, and I are going to of course go up to visit her at the cemetery and then go to dinner. We are going to go to Spaghetti Warehouse. Now, their food pretty much sucks but it is a place that reminds us of Quinney. Steve and I often went to lunch there after our meetings with the Palliative care team and Neonatologists. We also went there for lunch the day that she died. We wanted out of the hospital for a few minutes so we ran down there. Like I said, their food isn't great but it is one of the only places downtown that is fast to get in and out of . The décor is pretty neat though and it reminds us of Quinn so I think that it is the perfect place to celebrate her birthday. On Saturday we are planning on having a very small birthday celebration. Just family and some cupcakes to celebrate her life. I think it will be perfect! The following Sunday will be one year from her death. I think, think, that I will be ok. The 2nd was not a bad day. It was a good day until very late that evening. The 3rd, the 3rd was the hard day. That was the day that I had to wake up to a beautiful sunny unseasonably warm day, without my baby. Now THAT will be the hard day to face.
So, I think that is it.
Oh, trick or treat! I LOVE Halloween! It is so much fun! Ashlyn was an adorable Minnie Mouse! Adorable!!! Ashlyn had a GREAT time! Her cousins, Bella, Brycen, & Haylee came over, as well as Zaina's daughter Anaya and nephew Trey. Ash was the perfect little trick or treater! She would get right up there and say it and then a nice Thank you after! One house was decked out. Michael Myers and Jason passing out candy, the big girls were too afraid to go up and Ash just walked her little Minnie butt right up there! After T or T everyone came back to our house. Grandma and Papa went with us too! The kids had a great time playing and we had tater-tot casserole and apple crisp! Delicious! I seriously love Halloween!
Thankfully our weather wasn't too terrible. It was chilly and misty but it wasn't raining so it wasn't too bad!
Hopefully I will have pictures of the new room mostly finished this weekend =)
Things have been good.
Let's see, where do we start? Crop. Crop was great! It was the perfect time and place to work on Quinn's album. I had a great time and most importantly I finished Quinn's album. I LOVE it! Love it! I feel more complete in my grieving… does that make sense? Like I have taken a step forward. I no longer have this huge project looming over my head. It is done and I have something beautiful and meaningful to show off to the world of my baby! I am so very proud of it! Her album actually ended up being 2 and the second will continue to be added to. We will add pictures from her birthday celebrations, the ornament that we get her every year… it will be added to and that makes me feel good too. Eventually I plan to add some of the pages that I did but not yet. Once our families get a chance to see it first!
Let's see… what else….. The rooms. Eh.. We have not done near what we should have had done by now but we are getting there. So far the wallpaper is completely down, walls have been cleaned with TSP, holes patched, and the ceiling painted. We are very slowly getting there. It will be painted this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! If it kills me! Or more likely, if it kills Steve, it will be painted! Now, this is Ashlyn's new room… nothing has happened in Adley's but that will come once Ash is moved and will not take near the work! Thank goodness there is no wallpaper in there!
Yesterday was Quinn's 11 month birthday. I just don't even know how it is possible! How far we have come in 11 months. I miss my bean and still cry often but I do feel like I have… I don't know how to explain it. I will never move on and there is always a hole in my core that I will never fill but I feel…. Ok…. I guess as Ok as I ever can feel… maybe. I don't know. I feel like I am somewhat settling into this new normal. The normal that though still sucks I am becoming accustom to. The normal that when I lay in bed after Ash has come up to cuddle with Steve and ,I and her hot little breath is on my face and her sweet little arm is around my neck all the while Adley is kicking away and I think, this is close to perfect as my life can ever get. It will NEVER be perfect because there is this huge part of us missing but it is as close to perfect as it can get. I have 2 of my girls here with me the other is looking down on us hopefully smiling that we have come so far.
With yesterday being Bean's 11 month birthday, that means that we are quickly approaching the one year mark. Steve and I have discussed it a few times and I think we decided what we feel is the best way to celebrate her short life. Her actual birthday is on a Wednesday. I was hoping to take Wed - Fri off work but can't with other vacations but I am at least taking off the 28th. Steve, Ash, and I are going to of course go up to visit her at the cemetery and then go to dinner. We are going to go to Spaghetti Warehouse. Now, their food pretty much sucks but it is a place that reminds us of Quinney. Steve and I often went to lunch there after our meetings with the Palliative care team and Neonatologists. We also went there for lunch the day that she died. We wanted out of the hospital for a few minutes so we ran down there. Like I said, their food isn't great but it is one of the only places downtown that is fast to get in and out of . The décor is pretty neat though and it reminds us of Quinn so I think that it is the perfect place to celebrate her birthday. On Saturday we are planning on having a very small birthday celebration. Just family and some cupcakes to celebrate her life. I think it will be perfect! The following Sunday will be one year from her death. I think, think, that I will be ok. The 2nd was not a bad day. It was a good day until very late that evening. The 3rd, the 3rd was the hard day. That was the day that I had to wake up to a beautiful sunny unseasonably warm day, without my baby. Now THAT will be the hard day to face.
So, I think that is it.
Oh, trick or treat! I LOVE Halloween! It is so much fun! Ashlyn was an adorable Minnie Mouse! Adorable!!! Ashlyn had a GREAT time! Her cousins, Bella, Brycen, & Haylee came over, as well as Zaina's daughter Anaya and nephew Trey. Ash was the perfect little trick or treater! She would get right up there and say it and then a nice Thank you after! One house was decked out. Michael Myers and Jason passing out candy, the big girls were too afraid to go up and Ash just walked her little Minnie butt right up there! After T or T everyone came back to our house. Grandma and Papa went with us too! The kids had a great time playing and we had tater-tot casserole and apple crisp! Delicious! I seriously love Halloween!
Tuesday, October 9, 2012
We have a headstone and some other ramblings
I have been trying to write this post for weeks now and just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it. Things have been very busy in the Pfeiffer house.
First off, we have a headstone. An absolutely beautiful headstone! It stands out so well being the only pink one. I love it! I will admit that it was sort of hard to see for the first time. So… final. At the same time it was a wonderful feeling to know that my Quinn was here and now all the world can see that! She lived and yes, she died, but she lived! She lived for 4 days and everyone that goes there can see that now! She has a place not only in the hearts of all of us but also a permanent place there, even if it is in a cemetery it is still hers!
Other than that things have been going well.
Much better than my last post.
We all have our days and I think I had a few weeks there but no apologies here. I deserve to have a break down now and again.
I will never lie and tell you that this is easy.
It isn't.
There are days where it is hard to not just break down and cry and scream at the universe that you don't understand why your baby had to die. Sometimes I get lost thinking about her and her little squeaks. Ashlyn might do something sweet like say "I love you mommy" before bed and it will bring me to tears because I never get to hear Quinn say that.
It isn't easy.
It sucks.
Though I don't cry every day I think of her every day and I pray that never changes. This isn't easy and there will be times when I will have break downs and might seem a little crazy. There are also times when my and Steve's marriage will take a backseat as we try to just make it through the days but we will still be okay. I have no doubt in this fact.
Lately, Steve and I have been great. We have been spending time together and talking and it has been nice. Actually, Ashlyn has spent the night someplace the past two weekends and will be this weekend as well. While this is not a trend that I plan to continue it has been nice to have some Meghan and Steve time as opposed to Mommy and Daddy time. The one weekend was my birthday. I spent the morning with Renee and Ashlyn running to a few stores and then I dropped off a screaming Ashlyn and Renee to her house so I could go home and get some stuff that I wanted to do done. Picked up Ash and she and Steve gave me part of my birthday present which Ashlyn opened for me =) It is a beautiful Willow figurine of a couple holding their new baby. I love it. We then dropped Ash off to Nana and Papa and went out to dinner and then to Jared's where I got a few more charms for my pandora bracelet, which is now full =) Saturday morning we went and watched Annabelle's soccer game and then went to Kohls. We got lots of stuff for both girls and a few things for both of us too. Had lunch together… we were a couple. Not parents of a 2 year old we were just us.
This past weekend Ashlyn spent the night with Grandma and Papa so Steve and I could go to a wedding. Two weekends in a row with date nights! How lucky are we =)
Now this weekend Ash is going to Aunt Kesh and Uncle Chris's house while I go to an all weekend scrap booking crop. I am so so very excited for this "me" time! I go twice a year but this will be the first time that I am doing all 3 days. I am not sure if I will get to do the spring one seeing as I will have a 1 and a half month old at home! We'll see but for now I am taking advantage of this full weekend of me time! I plan to work on Quinn's album.
I have been stressing myself out about it for a good while now but I think I am pretty prepared for it now. I feel like I need to be REALLY organized and focused to be able to do this album and have it be the way that I want. I think I am at that point. I have printed poems and pictures and I think I can do it. I am really hoping to not be the crazy girl sitting there crying over my pictures but if I am, oh well! It will be emotional and hard but I really think that I will feel so much better once it is done. I will have something to show off of my baby girl. There is a good chance that I might carry this with me everywhere I go and just shove it in people's faces and be all, "here, look at this! This is my baby, and she lived!" So if I do that to you, I apologize now =)
I hope to scan a few of the pages, maybe all of them, and share them with you once the album is done but for now, I leave you with this….
First off, we have a headstone. An absolutely beautiful headstone! It stands out so well being the only pink one. I love it! I will admit that it was sort of hard to see for the first time. So… final. At the same time it was a wonderful feeling to know that my Quinn was here and now all the world can see that! She lived and yes, she died, but she lived! She lived for 4 days and everyone that goes there can see that now! She has a place not only in the hearts of all of us but also a permanent place there, even if it is in a cemetery it is still hers!
Other than that things have been going well.
Much better than my last post.
We all have our days and I think I had a few weeks there but no apologies here. I deserve to have a break down now and again.
I will never lie and tell you that this is easy.
It isn't.
There are days where it is hard to not just break down and cry and scream at the universe that you don't understand why your baby had to die. Sometimes I get lost thinking about her and her little squeaks. Ashlyn might do something sweet like say "I love you mommy" before bed and it will bring me to tears because I never get to hear Quinn say that.
It isn't easy.
It sucks.
Though I don't cry every day I think of her every day and I pray that never changes. This isn't easy and there will be times when I will have break downs and might seem a little crazy. There are also times when my and Steve's marriage will take a backseat as we try to just make it through the days but we will still be okay. I have no doubt in this fact.
Lately, Steve and I have been great. We have been spending time together and talking and it has been nice. Actually, Ashlyn has spent the night someplace the past two weekends and will be this weekend as well. While this is not a trend that I plan to continue it has been nice to have some Meghan and Steve time as opposed to Mommy and Daddy time. The one weekend was my birthday. I spent the morning with Renee and Ashlyn running to a few stores and then I dropped off a screaming Ashlyn and Renee to her house so I could go home and get some stuff that I wanted to do done. Picked up Ash and she and Steve gave me part of my birthday present which Ashlyn opened for me =) It is a beautiful Willow figurine of a couple holding their new baby. I love it. We then dropped Ash off to Nana and Papa and went out to dinner and then to Jared's where I got a few more charms for my pandora bracelet, which is now full =) Saturday morning we went and watched Annabelle's soccer game and then went to Kohls. We got lots of stuff for both girls and a few things for both of us too. Had lunch together… we were a couple. Not parents of a 2 year old we were just us.
This past weekend Ashlyn spent the night with Grandma and Papa so Steve and I could go to a wedding. Two weekends in a row with date nights! How lucky are we =)
Now this weekend Ash is going to Aunt Kesh and Uncle Chris's house while I go to an all weekend scrap booking crop. I am so so very excited for this "me" time! I go twice a year but this will be the first time that I am doing all 3 days. I am not sure if I will get to do the spring one seeing as I will have a 1 and a half month old at home! We'll see but for now I am taking advantage of this full weekend of me time! I plan to work on Quinn's album.
I have been stressing myself out about it for a good while now but I think I am pretty prepared for it now. I feel like I need to be REALLY organized and focused to be able to do this album and have it be the way that I want. I think I am at that point. I have printed poems and pictures and I think I can do it. I am really hoping to not be the crazy girl sitting there crying over my pictures but if I am, oh well! It will be emotional and hard but I really think that I will feel so much better once it is done. I will have something to show off of my baby girl. There is a good chance that I might carry this with me everywhere I go and just shove it in people's faces and be all, "here, look at this! This is my baby, and she lived!" So if I do that to you, I apologize now =)
I hope to scan a few of the pages, maybe all of them, and share them with you once the album is done but for now, I leave you with this….
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Headstone
I am so excited! My baby has a headstone!!! I am soo soo thankful! I can't wait to see it!! Can't wait! I will be out that way tonight but swore to Steve that I wouldn't stop in to see her until he was with me. Ugh! I guess I will have to wait until Saturday morning when Steve, Ash, and I can all go! I am so excited!!!
Just when things seem so low and out of control there is always something positive to help me through it!
Thank you Quinnie! I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul!
I am so happy that you have a proper marker for all of the world to see!
Pictures to come =)
Just when things seem so low and out of control there is always something positive to help me through it!
Thank you Quinnie! I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul!
I am so happy that you have a proper marker for all of the world to see!
Pictures to come =)
Feeling like a crazy person.....
Tuesday was the September Precious Parents meeting. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what but I was way more emotional than normal. I just feel….. fucked up. I don't know what other way to put it. I feel fucked up. I have so many different emotions running through me that I don't know how I feel anymore other than just straight fucked up. I am sad and pissed that I do not have my Quinn here with me. She should be with me! I am her mother and she belongs with me and it just fucking sucks that she isn't. Fucking sucks. So, I guess right now I am more pissed than anything else when it comes to that situation.
Then there is the new baby. I am so so very thankful that we have this opportunity to become parents again but at the same time it isn't fair that we have to. Talk about feeling fucked up when you are pissed and thrilled about the very same thing! How do you sort out those feelings? I have no clue! I am excited about this baby and I feel guilty for being excited. I am thrilled that we will (hopefully) have a new baby in our house in a few short months but at the same time I am angry that we will have this baby when we should have Quinn. In all honesty we would not be having this baby if Quinn were here so how in the hell do you separate being happy and excited for new baby but angry and sad that we have to have a new one at all?
I guess this all explains why I feel fucked up! Too many emotions about the same thing to even begin to sort everything out!
I feel slightly out of control.
I don't know what I am feeling anymore.
It is just all too much! I am a giant jumbled mess of emotions and I hate it! Hate it!
So, I guess that is why yesterday I was much more emotional than usual. I guess it is all understandable but it doesn't make it any easier.
I feel like a crazy person.
I am on edge. Steve and I got into a HUGE fight a few weeks ago. The Saturday before the gender reveal. I was crazy. Crazy! That is the only way that I can explain it. I still think that he was in the wrong but by the end I was just crazy. I mean I might as well have put on my wife beater on to look the part since I certainly sounded like trash outside screaming my fool head off. I will also admit that there might have been a beer bottle thrown….. I told you, I was crazy! I didn't however throw it at him. I threw it at the ground, lol. The one good thing about that fight was that it was the first one in a long time that we actually resolved. We actually said our piece, both apologized for being crazy, and we moved on. Normally it is more of a argue until we can't fight anymore then ignore each other until eventually we just forget about it. So I am going to say that even if it was a bit out of control it turned out to be a good thing.
Everything is just hard for me right now.
I am emotionally overwhelmed.
I am mentally overwhelmed.
Besides doing a crappy job at sorting out all of my feelings I am also doing a crappy job at being a wife. Steve and I had a discussion and we both just sort of suck right now at being a couple. We are great parents to Ashlyn and we do a lot of family things with her but there really isn't an 'us' right now. We have done a really good job at ignoring us a couple. I know that part of it is that we have both been dealing with Quinn's diagnosis and death in our own way. Even though we both lost essentially the same thing, a daughter, it is still very personal and different for each of us. We grieve differently but both seem to need to stay busy and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for us. But, we finally admitted that this is a problem and both agreed that we were going to start making us and our marriage a priority. We are going to go on dates and just do things for us and stop taking each other for granted. So, I guess that is where we are at right now. It will all get better…...
Then there is the new baby. I am so so very thankful that we have this opportunity to become parents again but at the same time it isn't fair that we have to. Talk about feeling fucked up when you are pissed and thrilled about the very same thing! How do you sort out those feelings? I have no clue! I am excited about this baby and I feel guilty for being excited. I am thrilled that we will (hopefully) have a new baby in our house in a few short months but at the same time I am angry that we will have this baby when we should have Quinn. In all honesty we would not be having this baby if Quinn were here so how in the hell do you separate being happy and excited for new baby but angry and sad that we have to have a new one at all?
I guess this all explains why I feel fucked up! Too many emotions about the same thing to even begin to sort everything out!
I feel slightly out of control.
I don't know what I am feeling anymore.
It is just all too much! I am a giant jumbled mess of emotions and I hate it! Hate it!
So, I guess that is why yesterday I was much more emotional than usual. I guess it is all understandable but it doesn't make it any easier.
I feel like a crazy person.
I am on edge. Steve and I got into a HUGE fight a few weeks ago. The Saturday before the gender reveal. I was crazy. Crazy! That is the only way that I can explain it. I still think that he was in the wrong but by the end I was just crazy. I mean I might as well have put on my wife beater on to look the part since I certainly sounded like trash outside screaming my fool head off. I will also admit that there might have been a beer bottle thrown….. I told you, I was crazy! I didn't however throw it at him. I threw it at the ground, lol. The one good thing about that fight was that it was the first one in a long time that we actually resolved. We actually said our piece, both apologized for being crazy, and we moved on. Normally it is more of a argue until we can't fight anymore then ignore each other until eventually we just forget about it. So I am going to say that even if it was a bit out of control it turned out to be a good thing.
Everything is just hard for me right now.
I am emotionally overwhelmed.
I am mentally overwhelmed.
Besides doing a crappy job at sorting out all of my feelings I am also doing a crappy job at being a wife. Steve and I had a discussion and we both just sort of suck right now at being a couple. We are great parents to Ashlyn and we do a lot of family things with her but there really isn't an 'us' right now. We have done a really good job at ignoring us a couple. I know that part of it is that we have both been dealing with Quinn's diagnosis and death in our own way. Even though we both lost essentially the same thing, a daughter, it is still very personal and different for each of us. We grieve differently but both seem to need to stay busy and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for us. But, we finally admitted that this is a problem and both agreed that we were going to start making us and our marriage a priority. We are going to go on dates and just do things for us and stop taking each other for granted. So, I guess that is where we are at right now. It will all get better…...
Monday, September 17, 2012
I have entered wallpaper hell!
Had a pretty busy weekend in the Pfeiffer house.
Saturday we got up early to clear out the living room, Ashlyn's room, and what was the play room to get the carpets cleaned.
The play room has now taken over our basement so we can work on Ashlyn's new room. So, we need to make some changes down there to accommodate the 2 year old. *sigh* anyone interested in a solid wood marble top bar that is in perfect condition? So sad to get rid of it but we could use the space.. and the money... so... I plan to post on craigslist here in the next week or so. Boo.
After the carpets were all cleaned Steve, Ash, and I headed to Ace to get some supplies to start stripping wallpaper and for me to re-finish what will be Ashlyn's new dresser. Right now it is a terrible orange stain color but it is going to be a pale purple with a fun Martha Stewart stencil on the front of the drawers. I am super excited to see how it turns out!
Once we dropped off our supplies Ash and I went to pickup Kesh and Bella to go to lunch and see Finding Nemo 3D.
This is the before shot.... we will see how long it takes to get to the after.... by the way it is going, it might be done by the time that Ashlyn graduates college!
Saturday we got up early to clear out the living room, Ashlyn's room, and what was the play room to get the carpets cleaned.
The play room has now taken over our basement so we can work on Ashlyn's new room. So, we need to make some changes down there to accommodate the 2 year old. *sigh* anyone interested in a solid wood marble top bar that is in perfect condition? So sad to get rid of it but we could use the space.. and the money... so... I plan to post on craigslist here in the next week or so. Boo.
After the carpets were all cleaned Steve, Ash, and I headed to Ace to get some supplies to start stripping wallpaper and for me to re-finish what will be Ashlyn's new dresser. Right now it is a terrible orange stain color but it is going to be a pale purple with a fun Martha Stewart stencil on the front of the drawers. I am super excited to see how it turns out!
Once we dropped off our supplies Ash and I went to pickup Kesh and Bella to go to lunch and see Finding Nemo 3D.
This is pre-movie. Please ignore the glistening around the mouth. We might have gotten a little overzealous with Bella's lip gloss! Seriously, by the end of the day it was all over both of their faces, nails, legs... apparently now it is called "entire body gloss".
Nemo in 3D is pretty fantastic. I love the movie anyway but it was really neat in 3D. Highly recommended! Ashlyn apparently wasn't all the impressed because she chose to sleep through most of the movie. Oh well, made it less stressful for me =)
Sunday I decided to start stripping the wallpaper in Ashlyn's new big girl room. Ugh! I have now entered wallpaper Hell! Seriously! I worked on it for probably 6 hours yesterday and I do not have a single wall done! Kill me now! Seriously!
I did have some pretty cute help though...
This is the before shot.... we will see how long it takes to get to the after.... by the way it is going, it might be done by the time that Ashlyn graduates college!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
