Tuesday, April 10, 2012


So, Easter sort of sucked for me this year. I had a great time with Ashlyn. She was excited to get her basket, and had fun at the breakfast with the Easter Bunny though she did not go see him. She thought he was so cool until it was actually time to go up there. Then it was that moment where she looks at you with the shock in her eyes as if to say, “Really? Really? You really expect me to go up to that demented looking bunny and actually sit on his lap?   Really? You have apparently lost your ever loving mind!”
I, being the softy that I am, did not force her, So we ended up with this picture:

Rather than something like this:

She had a good time decorating her cookie

And at both of her egg hunts:

But all the while there are pieces of me missing. I smile and genuinely enjoy this time with my oldest daughter but at the same time I am desperately missing my youngest. I look back at Steve while we are on the egg hunt and while there is a stroller next to him it isn’t our stroller. It isn’t our daughter lying in that stroller while her big sister goes and gets candy just to come back and taunt her with all of the goodies that she isn’t old enough to eat yet. It isn’t my daughter because my daughter is lying cold in the ground, dead.

I think that this holiday has hit me harder for a couple reasons…. For one, I am over the initial shock. Christmas is one giant fucking blur. I have no idea what we did or how in the hell I ever lived through it. No fucking clue! But now, time has passed and memories have faded and I am forced to really face what is going on. This is also the first holiday that last year our little Bean was a part of. I knew I was pregnant and knew that it was our last Easter as a family of 3, we would be a complete little family of 4 but yet here we are a year later and we aren’t. Last year we had eggs for our Bean:

And this year I just have one that says "Momma loves Quinny" (sorry, I didn't get a picture of it yet and I am too lazy to do it right now)

Rather than having 2 Easter baskets from the Easter Bunny we have one.
We couldn’t show Ashlyn how brave her baby sister was because she would sit on the bunny’s lap. I imagine what it would be like to have both of my girls in their car-seats on the way to Papa and Nana’s house for Easter but instead when I look back the seat is empty where my Quinn should be.  Every time I look in that backseat I am reminded of what should be and isn't.  It isn't so much what is that is painful it is what isn't.  The fact that I can go to the indoor water park with my sister-in-law and our 3 kids..... I shouldn't be able to because there is no way in hell that we could have a 4 month old, 3 month old, 2 year old, and 6 year old.  No way in hell!  But there we were, having a blast because my baby girl isn't here to keep me at home with her.  There is my empty backseat screaming at me that my daughter is dead.  This is the hard part.  It isn't so much looking at her pictures or anything like that it is the normal everyday things that shouldn't be normal or easy because I should have an almost 2 year old and a 4 month old and nothing is easy with two children under 2!