Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Christmas

Christmas was wonderful. Ashlyn was very excited for all of her gifts and had a great time playing with her cousins from North Carolina on Christmas day. We of course missed our Quinn but overall it was a very enjoyable Christmas. We did go out to the cemetery, just Steve and I, on Sunday and decorated for Christmas. It was nice, been a while since we went without Ashlyn and just got to be quite and be with Quinn for a little bit.

We intended to go on Christmas but because I am suffering a terrible case of pregnancy brain we ended up not making it. We did however end up at my parents house 2 hours before dinner, lol! Oh well, it worked out so Ashlyn could take a nap and Quinn knows that she was with us that day so I am comfortable with that.
I must say though, I am glad that it is all over. I didn’t really feel the Christmas spirit this year even though I did very much enjoy it but the real spirit wasn't there. I am ready to relax and most importantly get this little bee's room ready! And wash all of the cloths, maybe even weed out another bag for goodwill. Get all of the baby gear out and washed as well. I feel very unprepared for her to be joining us so the next couple weeks I will be very focused on getting those things done. I am so very ready for this 4 day weekend coming up where we do not have a ton of running to do and I can really concentrate on getting her room and things done!

My cousin and his wife just had their 3rd baby so Steve and I went up to the hospital to visit them on Sunday. It was wonderful to hold Lennyn Rose and neither Steve nor I wanted to give her up, lol!

Can't wait until it is our own little Bee we are squeezing!! Less than 5 weeks!!!

Have I mentioned that we do officially have a middle name?

Adley Mae =)

Yep, I won! LOL!
It was actually sort of Steve who gave up. We made me a deal a while before Thanksgiving that if I would concede to not paint the nursery and keep it the pink that we had for Ashlyn that I could pick any middle name that I wanted. I honestly did have to think about it. I had a very clear vision of the room that I wanted and this was changing it completely. However, I knew that this was my only chance. If I didn't take this opportunity to pick the name I would somehow lose and I really love Mae. So, the room is pink. Maybe that is why I have had a hard time getting in there to work on it. I know that there isn't that much to really do and I don't yet completely have my vision of what it will be since I am no longer doing the walls the aqua color that I had planned. I know that it will turn out and my mom and I found some fabulous material for curtains so that did help. Now we just need to get the curtains made!


I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a safe happy New Year! We will be staying in watching some Ryan Secrest and drinking some sparkling grape juice… and I am perfectly okay with that =)

Monday, December 17, 2012

Beam me up

I heard this song this morning on the Elvis Duran show, Beam me up by Pink. They were playing it after the horrific events on Friday, which I just still can't fully think about. It hurts too much to think of what those parents and siblings are going through.

Of course it also made me think of my Quinn-Bean. Although, I don't know that a minute would be enough…..


There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parralell universe
Where nothig breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

Friday, December 7, 2012

It's Gonna Be a Good Life

Funny how it works…….

I just started thinking how at this time one year ago I was getting out of bed to face the day that I would bury my daughter. To face my nightmare.

The last time I would see that sweet face, touch her hand, or feel the touch of her hair on my lips. That was my favorite, so soft and wonderful.

I was just having this thought and at that exact time, her song came on.

It's Gonna be a good life

I love you Quinney! Thank you for reminding me that it is going to be okay!
I miss you baby girl!

Monday, December 3, 2012

December 3rd

While it seems like December 3rd shouldn't mean much, today has been the hardest day I have had in....  I don't know... since right after Quinney died I would guess. 
November 28th is her birthday (which was a good day, and there will be a post coming at some point), December 2nd was the day that she died and it was fine up until around 10:30.  We had a good day, we took Ashlyn to the blimp hanger to donate toys for Toys for Tots, went to Donzelle's to check out their Christmas stuff, and then home to watch the Browns game.  It was a good day.  After Ashlyn went to bed I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was the time that I never wanted to have to face.  It was the exact moments that, one year ago, I was holding my baby as she died in my arms.  As much as I didn't want to face it, I had to.  I couldn't ignore it and so, the tears came.  I wanted to just sleep and wake up and it be over but that didn't happen either.  After I cried myself to sleep thinking of those final moments with my Bean, I woke up and just like last December 3rd, I had to face the world with out my baby.  Nothing had stopped, everyone else continued on with their lives just like nothing had happened.  But something had happened, my heart was still broken.  I was still here and my baby isn't. 
I survived a whole year without her.  First Christmas, Easter, birthday... all of these firsts that she should have got to celebrate and didn't.  But I survived them.  Without her.  But today, today, I didn't want to survive.  I didn't want to carry on and act like everything was okay.  So, I didn't.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I remembered and thought of my baby and what should have been.  I, for the first time, called off work and let myself feel sorry for myself.  I deserved it.  Quinn deserved it.  No matter how much it hurts she deserves to be remembered and that is what I did today.  I did what was best for her and me and just let myself go and remember.
It is a lot easier to just push the feelings and memories to the side and go on like I am fine.  A lot easier.  Sometimes though, sometimes, we actually have to face our grief and remind ourselves that is okay.  It is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry!  I am not always that great at doing this but today, as much as it sucked, it was good.  It was good for me to just remember and even to feel sorry for myself.
Now, tomorrow I will go on and be strong again. 

Monday, November 26, 2012

I Survived our first Thanksgiving!

Well, I survived. I had a good Thanksgiving. We had breakfast at Steve's parents and then spent the rest of the day at my Grandma's house. It was nice. We weren't rushed, we relaxed and enjoyed our families. Later in the evening I went shopping with Renee and might have went a little crazy on the sleepers for Adley! It was fun and not too overwhelming at all. Of course I wasn't out for any of the super major deals so I didn't have to worry about fighting with anyone over a TV or toaster oven =)
I have been feeling good. I am very thankful for this. I have my moments and there were times over the holiday that I had that sudden feeling of the wind being knocked out of me but for the most part, I feel good. It is / was hard to think of where we were just one year ago. Knowing that as soon as the weekend was over we would be meeting our baby one way or another. Would she be alive? Would she already be gone? Would she live for seconds? Would we have her for years? All of the unknown made that weekend nearly unbearable. What I remember of it anyway. Really, I don't remember all that much. I remember the fight that Steve and I had Wednesday night over going to my family's. He didn't feel up to it and I fought that we had to. I mean, it was our responsibility right? Put on the happy face and go and be Thankful for what we had? In the end it was Ashlyn and I that left and he stayed home. Ash fell asleep on the way there and I finally realized that it was okay to not put on the happy face. I text that I wasn't coming, picked up some starbucks and headed home. Sometimes, it really is ok to not live up to everyone else's expectations and as it turned out, no one, not one person, questioned that we weren't there. Hell, they probably would have questioned it if we were there!
Other than that, I don't really remember what we even did the rest of the weekend. I know that there was a dinner at my Grandma's and a dinner at Steve's parents but I couldn't tell you any specifics. I think we might have even had a Christmas get together at my parents but really, I don’t know… all a blur.
This year was much different and while it is at times still hard to be thankful for everything that I have because I am still so pissed at what I lost, I am. I am thankful. I am thankful for my family. My husband who at times drives me flipping crazy but I couldn't imagine my life for one moment without him by my side. My Ashlyn who is honestly the sweetest, funniest little girl I could hope for! Who is so darn excited to be having "another sister"! I love that she always, always, always, says "another"! Almost like she understand!
For my wonderful family and friends! So many people who have stood by us through the past year and helped us, even if you didn't always know that you were helping.
I have so much to be thankful for!
Ashlyn has been mentioning Quinn a lot more lately. She often asks where Quinn is. I tell her that she is in Heaven and when she asks why I tell her that she was too sick to stay here with us. In her innocence she says that she wants to go to Quinn's house to see her. I wish! I tell her that someday we will see her again. She gets it as much as a 2 year old can. It is sweet and sad. I know that as she gets older there will be more questions and I am okay with this. My goal in life is to make sure that my girls know their sister as much as they can. That she is a part of our life and our family always! Always! After hearing stories of how unsupportive families / friends can be I am thankful that my family is not like this at all
So, I survived Thanksgiving and now it is onto her birthday. I am anxious for Wednesday. I know that there will be tears but I also feel like it will be a good day. A nice day for the 3 of us to celebrate the life, no matter how short, of our Quinn-Bean!

Thursday, November 1, 2012

Comfort

Today was my OB appointment. Things are looking great!! I am 27 weeks 4 days and measuring 29 weeks. So I have actually slow down since I was measuring 26 weeks at my last appointment 4 weeks ago. BP, weight, everything is looking good with me, though I would like the weight to slow down! Heart beat was 152. This little girl is a mover! Constantly squirming and kicking! I am thinking we might have an Irish dancer on our hands from the feel of it most times! I love it!
Today was also my one our glucose test. Now, me being the dumbass that I am had a café mocha at home before the appointment. I was totally not thinking and actually it never even occurred to me until the tech asked me what was in my cup before I drank the glucose crap. At that point I was only sipping on water but she mentioned that she just wanted to make sure it was Mt Dew or something or I would be back for the 3 hour. Yeah. Hand to the forehead! I am hoping that my saving grace might be that my numbers always tend to be very low and maybe just maybe I didn't totally screw myself and just fail so I have to sit there for 3 effing hours! I guess we will find out in the next few days if they call me. If they call I failed, if I passed no call! Let's pray for no call!
So last night, I had my very first dream where Quinn was in it. In nearly a year this is the very first time that she has ever been in my dream. Now that is not to say that she was not thought of in a dream. I have had dreams where she existed and I knew that I had lost her but she herself has never appeared in my dreams. Does that make sense? I remember very little of the dream but I know that she was there. She was a little older and beautiful. That is what I remember most, she was beautiful! I do remember that I got to hold her though she was at least a couple months old.. Maybe older, I don't know, I can't place it. I told her over and over how beautiful she was. I wish that I would see her in my dreams every night. I woke up missing her but feeling happy. I have been feeling good lately. Comforted. I can't really get into specifics at the request of others but there has been some events that have made me feel like she is here with us. That she is always here. The most comforting though is the feeling that she knew that we were there and that she was surrounded by love when she died. That she knew that I was holding her close to me. I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it is to think that she really did know.
Anyway, sorry for being all cryptic, but it doesn't really matter why I have found this comfort, I have and it is a wonderful feeling. I miss my Bean but I feel her with me more and more =)
Now I have to get planning that party =)

Monday, October 29, 2012

Some Halloween cuteness!

I have been trying to write this post for weeks now. Weeks!  (do I say that with every post now?)

Things have been good.

Let's see, where do we start? Crop. Crop was great! It was the perfect time and place to work on Quinn's album. I had a great time and most importantly I finished Quinn's album. I LOVE it! Love it! I feel more complete in my grieving… does that make sense? Like I have taken a step forward. I no longer have this huge project looming over my head. It is done and I have something beautiful and meaningful to show off to the world of my baby! I am so very proud of it! Her album actually ended up being 2 and the second will continue to be added to. We will add pictures from her birthday celebrations, the ornament that we get her every year… it will be added to and that makes me feel good too.  Eventually I plan to add some of the pages that I did but not yet.  Once our families get a chance to see it first!

Let's see… what else….. The rooms. Eh.. We have not done near what we should have had done by now but we are getting there. So far the wallpaper is completely down, walls have been cleaned with TSP, holes patched, and the ceiling painted. We are very slowly getting there. It will be painted this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! If it kills me! Or more likely, if it kills Steve, it will be painted! Now, this is Ashlyn's new room… nothing has happened in Adley's but that will come once Ash is moved and will not take near the work! Thank goodness there is no wallpaper in there!

Yesterday was Quinn's 11 month birthday. I just don't even know how it is possible! How far we have come in 11 months. I miss my bean and still cry often but I do feel like I have… I don't know how to explain it. I will never move on and there is always a hole in my core that I will never fill but I feel…. Ok…. I guess as Ok as I ever can feel… maybe. I don't know. I feel like I am somewhat settling into this new normal. The normal that though still sucks I am becoming accustom to. The normal that when I lay in bed after Ash has come up to cuddle with Steve and ,I and her hot little breath is on my face and her sweet little arm is around my neck all the while Adley is kicking away and I think, this is close to perfect as my life can ever get. It will NEVER be perfect because there is this huge part of us missing but it is as close to perfect as it can get. I have 2 of my girls here with me the other is looking down on us hopefully smiling that we have come so far.
With yesterday being Bean's 11 month birthday, that means that we are quickly approaching the one year mark. Steve and I have discussed it a few times and I think we decided what we feel is the best way to celebrate her short life. Her actual birthday is on a Wednesday. I was hoping to take Wed - Fri off work but can't with other vacations but I am at least taking off the 28th. Steve, Ash, and I are going to of course go up to visit her at the cemetery and then go to dinner. We are going to go to Spaghetti Warehouse. Now, their food pretty much sucks but it is a place that reminds us of Quinney. Steve and I often went to lunch there after our meetings with the Palliative care team and Neonatologists. We also went there for lunch the day that she died. We wanted out of the hospital for a few minutes so we ran down there. Like I said, their food isn't great but it is one of the only places downtown that is fast to get in and out of . The décor is pretty neat though and it reminds us of Quinn so I think that it is the perfect place to celebrate her birthday. On Saturday we are planning on having a very small birthday celebration. Just family and some cupcakes to celebrate her life. I think it will be perfect! The following Sunday will be one year from her death. I think, think, that I will be ok. The 2nd was not a bad day. It was a good day until very late that evening. The 3rd, the 3rd was the hard day. That was the day that I had to wake up to a beautiful sunny unseasonably warm day, without my baby. Now THAT will be the hard day to face.

So, I think that is it.

Oh, trick or treat! I LOVE Halloween! It is so much fun! Ashlyn was an adorable Minnie Mouse! Adorable!!! Ashlyn had a GREAT time! Her cousins, Bella, Brycen, & Haylee came over, as well as Zaina's daughter Anaya and nephew Trey. Ash was the perfect little trick or treater! She would get right up there and say it and then a nice Thank you after! One house was decked out. Michael Myers and Jason passing out candy, the big girls were too afraid to go up and Ash just walked her little Minnie butt right up there! After T or T everyone came back to our house. Grandma and Papa went with us too! The kids had a great time playing and we had tater-tot casserole and apple crisp! Delicious! I seriously love Halloween!

 Thankfully our weather wasn't too terrible. It was chilly and misty but it wasn't raining so it wasn't too bad!


Hopefully I will have pictures of the new room mostly finished this weekend =)

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

We have a headstone and some other ramblings

I have been trying to write this post for weeks now and just haven't had a chance to sit down and do it. Things have been very busy in the Pfeiffer house.
First off, we have a headstone. An absolutely beautiful headstone! It stands out so well being the only pink one. I love it! I will admit that it was sort of hard to see for the first time. So… final. At the same time it was a wonderful feeling to know that my Quinn was here and now all the world can see that! She lived and yes, she died, but she lived! She lived for 4 days and everyone that goes there can see that now! She has a place not only in the hearts of all of us but also a permanent place there, even if it is in a cemetery it is still hers!



 
Other than that things have been going well.
Much better than my last post.
We all have our days and I think I had a few weeks there but no apologies here. I deserve to have a break down now and again.
I will never lie and tell you that this is easy.
It isn't.
There are days where it is hard to not just break down and cry and scream at the universe that you don't understand why your baby had to die. Sometimes I get lost thinking about her and her little squeaks. Ashlyn might do something sweet like say "I love you mommy" before bed and it will bring me to tears because I never get to hear Quinn say that.
It isn't easy.
It sucks.
Though I don't cry every day I think of her every day and I pray that never changes. This isn't easy and there will be times when I will have break downs and might seem a little crazy. There are also times when my and Steve's marriage will take a backseat as we try to just make it through the days but we will still be okay. I have no doubt in this fact.
Lately, Steve and I have been great. We have been spending time together and talking and it has been nice. Actually, Ashlyn has spent the night someplace the past two weekends and will be this weekend as well. While this is not a trend that I plan to continue it has been nice to have some Meghan and Steve time as opposed to Mommy and Daddy time. The one weekend was my birthday. I spent the morning with Renee and Ashlyn running to a few stores and then I dropped off a screaming Ashlyn and Renee to her house so I could go home and get some stuff that I wanted to do done. Picked up Ash and she and Steve gave me part of my birthday present which Ashlyn opened for me =) It is a beautiful Willow figurine of a couple holding their new baby. I love it. We then dropped Ash off to Nana and Papa and went out to dinner and then to Jared's where I got a few more charms for my pandora bracelet, which is now full =) Saturday morning we went and watched Annabelle's soccer game and then went to Kohls. We got lots of stuff for both girls and a few things for both of us too. Had lunch together… we were a couple. Not parents of a 2 year old we were just us.
This past weekend Ashlyn spent the night with Grandma and Papa so Steve and I could go to a wedding. Two weekends in a row with date nights! How lucky are we =)
Now this weekend Ash is going to Aunt Kesh and Uncle Chris's house while I go to an all weekend scrap booking crop. I am so so very excited for this "me" time! I go twice a year but this will be the first time that I am doing all 3 days. I am not sure if I will get to do the spring one seeing as I will have a 1 and a half month old at home! We'll see but for now I am taking advantage of this full weekend of me time! I plan to work on Quinn's album.
I have been stressing myself out about it for a good while now but I think I am pretty prepared for it now. I feel like I need to be REALLY organized and focused to be able to do this album and have it be the way that I want. I think I am at that point. I have printed poems and pictures and I think I can do it. I am really hoping to not be the crazy girl sitting there crying over my pictures but if I am, oh well! It will be emotional and hard but I really think that I will feel so much better once it is done. I will have something to show off of my baby girl. There is a good chance that I might carry this with me everywhere I go and just shove it in people's faces and be all, "here, look at this! This is my baby, and she lived!" So if I do that to you, I apologize now =)
I hope to scan a few of the pages, maybe all of them, and share them with you once the album is done but for now, I leave you with this….

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Headstone

I am so excited! My baby has a headstone!!! I am soo soo thankful! I can't wait to see it!! Can't wait! I will be out that way tonight but swore to Steve that I wouldn't stop in to see her until he was with me. Ugh! I guess I will have to wait until Saturday morning when Steve, Ash, and I can all go! I am so excited!!!
Just when things seem so low and out of control there is always something positive to help me through it!

Thank you Quinnie! I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul!

I am so happy that you have a proper marker for all of the world to see!

Pictures to come =)

Feeling like a crazy person.....

Tuesday was the September Precious Parents meeting. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what but I was way more emotional than normal. I just feel….. fucked up. I don't know what other way to put it. I feel fucked up. I have so many different emotions running through me that I don't know how I feel anymore other than just straight fucked up. I am sad and pissed that I do not have my Quinn here with me. She should be with me! I am her mother and she belongs with me and it just fucking sucks that she isn't. Fucking sucks. So, I guess right now I am more pissed than anything else when it comes to that situation.
Then there is the new baby. I am so so very thankful that we have this opportunity to become parents again but at the same time it isn't fair that we have to. Talk about feeling fucked up when you are pissed and thrilled about the very same thing! How do you sort out those feelings? I have no clue! I am excited about this baby and I feel guilty for being excited. I am thrilled that we will (hopefully) have a new baby in our house in a few short months but at the same time I am angry that we will have this baby when we should have Quinn. In all honesty we would not be having this baby if Quinn were here so how in the hell do you separate being happy and excited for new baby but angry and sad that we have to have a new one at all?
I guess this all explains why I feel fucked up! Too many emotions about the same thing to even begin to sort everything out!
I feel slightly out of control.
I don't know what I am feeling anymore.
It is just all too much! I am a giant jumbled mess of emotions and I hate it! Hate it!
So, I guess that is why yesterday I was much more emotional than usual. I guess it is all understandable but it doesn't make it any easier.
I feel like a crazy person.
I am on edge. Steve and I got into a HUGE fight a few weeks ago. The Saturday before the gender reveal. I was crazy. Crazy! That is the only way that I can explain it. I still think that he was in the wrong but by the end I was just crazy. I mean I might as well have put on my wife beater on to look the part since I certainly sounded like trash outside screaming my fool head off. I will also admit that there might have been a beer bottle thrown….. I told you, I was crazy! I didn't however throw it at him. I threw it at the ground, lol. The one good thing about that fight was that it was the first one in a long time that we actually resolved. We actually said our piece, both apologized for being crazy, and we moved on. Normally it is more of a argue until we can't fight anymore then ignore each other until eventually we just forget about it. So I am going to say that even if it was a bit out of control it turned out to be a good thing.
Everything is just hard for me right now.
I am emotionally overwhelmed.
I am mentally overwhelmed.
Besides doing a crappy job at sorting out all of my feelings I am also doing a crappy job at being a wife. Steve and I had a discussion and we both just sort of suck right now at being a couple. We are great parents to Ashlyn and we do a lot of family things with her but there really isn't an 'us' right now. We have done a really good job at ignoring us a couple. I know that part of it is that we have both been dealing with Quinn's diagnosis and death in our own way. Even though we both lost essentially the same thing, a daughter, it is still very personal and different for each of us. We grieve differently but both seem to need to stay busy and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for us. But, we finally admitted that this is a problem and both agreed that we were going to start making us and our marriage a priority. We are going to go on dates and just do things for us and stop taking each other for granted. So, I guess that is where we are at right now. It will all get better…...

Monday, September 17, 2012

I have entered wallpaper hell!

Had a pretty busy weekend in the Pfeiffer house.
Saturday we got up early to clear out the living room, Ashlyn's room, and what was the play room to get the carpets cleaned.
 The play room has now taken over our basement so we can work on Ashlyn's new room.  So, we need to make some changes down there to accommodate the 2 year old.  *sigh*  anyone interested in a solid wood marble top bar that is in perfect condition?  So sad to get rid of it but we could use the space.. and the money... so... I plan to post on craigslist here in the next week or so.  Boo. 
After the carpets were all cleaned Steve, Ash, and I headed to Ace to get some supplies to start stripping wallpaper and for me to re-finish what will be Ashlyn's new dresser.  Right now it is a terrible orange stain color but it is going to be a pale purple with a fun Martha Stewart stencil on the front of the drawers.  I am super excited to see how it turns out! 
Once we dropped off our supplies Ash and I went to pickup Kesh and Bella to go to lunch and see Finding Nemo 3D. 

This is pre-movie.  Please ignore the glistening around the mouth.  We might have gotten a little overzealous with Bella's lip gloss!  Seriously, by the end of the day it was all over both of their faces, nails, legs... apparently now it is called "entire body gloss". 
Nemo in 3D is pretty fantastic.  I love the movie anyway but it was really neat in 3D.  Highly recommended!  Ashlyn apparently wasn't all the impressed because she chose to sleep through most of the movie.  Oh well, made it less stressful for me =)


Sunday I decided to start stripping the wallpaper in Ashlyn's new big girl room.  Ugh!  I have now entered wallpaper Hell!  Seriously!  I worked on it for probably 6 hours yesterday and I do not have a single wall done!  Kill me now!  Seriously! 
I did have some pretty cute help though...



This is the before shot....  we will see how long it takes to get to the after....  by the way it is going, it might be done by the time that Ashlyn graduates college!

Monday, September 10, 2012

It's a........

video


Eeeekkk!  I am SO excited!

The box that my mom might have went a tad crazy with, lol!  It turned out great and a whole lot better than if I would have done it!!!


PINK!!!  I will admit that I did see a peak right before they came out of the box and that squeal you hear on the video would be that moment, lol!  It's a girl!!  Eeeekkk!


The family - as complete as we can ever be....
2 pink for me, a blue for Steve, and a pink for Ash.  It really looks white, freakishly white really but I swear it was a pale pink color!

It's a girl!!!!!

Our bank account is in trouble!!  Not even 12 hours had went by before I made my first Target run!  Can you tell that I am slightly excited to get to buy for my healthy baby girl??

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Healthy!!!

Baby is PERFECT! ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!!

A million pounds has been lifted off my shoulders! Finally, I can breath easily, we are having a healthy baby!!! HEALTHY! The most beautiful word that this mom can hear!!!

This morning was…. stressfull to put it lightly. I actually slept okay which I was quite surprised but thankful for. As soon as I woke up though the thoughts were just running through my mind. I was in short, terrified.
I hate to be late, even though I usually am, but I REALLY do not like to be late if I am already stressed about something. Of course we left slightly later than I wanted but we made it there right at 9.
Got checked in and Steve made a comment about it being weird to be there and knowing that he (Dr Stewart) normally deals with multiples. I might have said something to the effect of…"it is weird to be here because this is where they tell you that your baby is going to die"… might have. At that point I had to tell him to stop talking to me because I was going to loose it. Yeah, I am not dramatic at all!
Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long and the tech came out to get us. Just like with Quinn, open door to the left. Very same room that my world came crashing down just over a year ago. *sigh*

The tech was wonderful. She was the very same tech that we had with Quinn. She said that she remembered doing our scan last time and though she isn't supposed to tell us anything, everything was looking perfect.

This is the point that I start to cry.

Happy happy tears!!

She made it through the scan and then it was time to venture down lower to see the gender. She turned the screen on us so I had no chance of peeking at all. Baby was VERY stubborn and did not want to show the goods at all! Neither did Ashlyn. I have very modest babies!! After rolling from side to side to back to side to the other side, right about the time that I thought that she was going to give up and we were going to be releasing yellow and green balloons, she said she got it! Phew!! She was a trooper and tried for a long time! It might have been the fact that I said I couldn't have two babies that I didn't get to buy for or that I didn't have a neutral nursery picked out so I had to know, lol!

What!?!?

Like I said, I am not dramatic AT ALL!


After all that Dr Stewart came in and said how happy he was that he got to do this scan in different circumstances and that the baby looked great. He then went through every little piece and part. Brain is formed and looking just as it should, the fluid around the brain is as it should be, hands, fingers and toes are all perfect! 4 chambers of the heart, no holes in the lips therefore no cleft, stomach is there just as it should be, everything, EVERYTHING looks perfect!   Then he gave me a very big hug!  I guess he is no longer my least favorite person on Earth. 

Baby is measuring right on schedule - well one day ahead, quite the over achiever, and 11 ounces! Only about 12 more pounds to go, lol!

So, I feel like a new person! The worry, well most of the worry, is gone and I can start planning on having this baby and actually bringing them home in 20ish weeks! Eeekkkkk!!!

I am super anxious to know if Bee is a boy or a girl but just knowing that regardless of which, they are healthy is enough for me, for now! But that doesn't mean that I am not counting down the seconds until Sunday at 12:30! Seriously people, do not be late! That box will be ripped open at exactly 12:30!! =)

Now, your last chance for guessing! At yesterday's appointment the heart rate was 168 and this morning was 153. You have seen that I am carrying slightly higher and if you must know I do not think that my butt has changed at all… but I don't think it changed with either of the girls either!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Names

Names. Have we discussed names?

Our boy name we have had picked out since before we had Ashlyn. Now, with every pregnancy I tend to freak out about it and start searching high and low for other boy names but always come back to this same one.
Casey Andrew.

We actually started with Casey John. Which is Steve's middle name. And his brother's middle name. And his dad's name, both grandpas…. Lots of Johns. Then Steve decided that he doesn't really like John so it was out. Steve always liked Andrew but I don't. Not as a first name. I am okay with the full name, Andrew, but I do not like Andy or Drew at all so it was out for a first name choice.


Now for the girl. A while before we got pregnant I was watching The Voice, with my boyfriend Adam, have I mentioned my love for Adam Levine before? It is true love! Anyway…..
I was watching my boyfriend and there was a girl that came on named Adlee.
I loved it.
The day that we found out that I was pregnant I was looking up names and the very first name that I pulled up was Adlee, with that spelling and at the bottom it said that if you like this name you might also like Quinn. Well, I was sold. I mean basically Quinn was telling me that was the girl name we were supposed to use. I did go back and forth for a while on spelling, Adlee, Adley, Adleigh… but ultimately came back to Quinn's spelling. Now, the problem is in the middle name. We just can not agree! Can't! Neither of us will give up our choice. So, what is your vote?

Adlee Elizabeth
Or
Adlee Mae
 
Yes, I know, they are both pretty, but….... One is better, lol!
We like the old fashion type of name with our other girls being Grace and Elise. So, what is your choice? Maybe Bee is a boy and it won't matter, but just incase…....
If this is a girl we might have to fight to the death because we just both won't give! So vote your choice…. But make sure you vote for mine! =)

Busy Buys Bee

Bee has a very busy week this week! Today is my normal midwife appointment. Today it is with Laura so I am a bit anxious. Laura is the midwife who delivered Quinn and I haven't seen her since that day. I am excited to see her because she is fabulous but then a little nervous too. I am also anxious to find out what the heart rate is. You know, that old wives tale that high is a girl, low is a boy. Quinn was actually always rather low, well compared to Ashlyn that is. Ashlyn was always in the 160s and Quinn tended to be low 150s.
Only about 3.5 days until we will know! Eeekkkk!!! Right now I am VERY anxious for our 20 week ultrasound tomorrow. thank God it is first thing in the morning. I am so freaking nervous! For one, the ultrasound is with Dr Stewart who is the same doctor that told us of Quinn's condition. I am scared. I am looking forward to seeing my Bee but at the same time I am dreading it. I am so nervous that there could be something wrong! Ugh! We have not yet had a real ultrasound so I haven't had a chance to see this baby at all really. I have no idea what is going on in there. The first ultrasound was so early that there was barely the flutter of a heartbeat. The second ultrasound was just a quick one to see the heartbeat since Dr Douche (love you Emily) couldn’t find it with the doppler. I didn't get to see anything other than there was a baby and yes, there was a heartbeat. So, this will be the first time that I will actually get to really get a look at my baby. I just pray that all of the pieces and parts are there and that everything looks just as it should! I am so anxious to know for sure that Bee is healthy and happy in there and I get to plan on keeping him or her forever!
Him or Her? So, what do you think? I still don't know. I just don't know. I have all along hoped that we were having another girl and I will admit that I still do. I am very much okay with us having a boy too, though. Really, I am. The thought is growing on me and I know that as long as they are healthy I will happy! Whether it is a boy or a girl I can tell you that they are an active little Bee! I never felt Ashlyn or Quinn until after 20 weeks but this one I have been feeling for a while. I just didn't admit it right away. I have this crazy thing that I am afraid to admit that I am feeling them because what if I go to the doctor and they tell me that they aren't there? Then I am crazy because I thought I was feeling them…. Yeah, I know, I have problems, I know this! I am going to go ahead and admit that I am indeed feeling this little Bee though and it makes me smile every time I feel that little pop!
So, that is it. Busy week with appointments and then getting ready for the party on Sunday. I. can't. wait. I would love to just cheat and have the tech tell Steve and I tomorrow but I won't. I think it will be so much fun to have the excitement of finding out surrounded with our friends and family and especially with Ashlyn there! She is going to be such an amazing big sister to Bee just as she is to Quinn!

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

A little comparison

18 weeks now and 18 weeks with Ashlyn.  I didn't have one with Quinn. 
I can see that I am carrying slightly higher this time around.... I can also see that I was very very pale when I was pregnant with Ashlyn.  Thank you Myrtle Beach! 
 
 
So, seeing as I am 18 weeks (seriously, how am I already 18 weeks??), that means that the big ultrasound is in less than 2 weeks!  I am honestly dying!  I have been waiting since July 20th of last year to be able to go baby shopping so I think that it is appropriate to say that I am dying to go shopping!!!  Before I can go shopping though we need to have our big reveal party!!!   We are combining the reveal with our annual Browns kickoff party!  Here is the invite that I made... I must say, I love how it turned out!  Love it!


Having the invite done made me all the more excited for the party!  I am even more excited for the ultrasound!  I can't wait to see my baby! 
So, what is your guess?  Boy or girl? 
I can't really gauge myself.
Besides the obvious of wanting a healthy baby, I am hoping for a girl.  I lost my daughter and though no other baby can ever replace her I still want another girl.  I pictured Ashlyn and her sister growing up together, fighting, sharing...   Now, let me reiterate that I KNOW that no baby, boy or girl, will ever replace Quinn but that doesn't make me not wish for a girl. 
I will, of course, be happy with a healthy baby of either gender but a girl can hope.

 I will also admit that I know full well that this is most likely a boy and I am very prepared for that fact but until those blue balloons go floating up, I will hold onto that hope that they just might be pink. 

15 year reunion

Saturday was my 15 year reunion.  It was a good time.  I am sure it would have been a little more fun had I not been completely sober but still, good time.  I mingled but not as much as I could have... again, I was completely sober! 
There were a couple of people there that mentioned Quinn and the blog.  I guess I forget that there are actually people out there that read this.  I guess in my mind it is just like a diary hidden under my bed where I can go to put all of my inner thoughts.  The good, the bad, the fucked up, all of it, just out there.  I forget that it is actually all out there!  It is very surreal to know that people actually read my words.  I don't know how I feel about it.  I guess at times I feel... exposed. 
But that was the point right... to be exposed.  To tell it all - the ugly, the painful, the good things, and the bad.  Expose all of my deep crazy fucked up-ness in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, my words would help someone else.  Maybe there is another mom who has lost their baby and my words will help them not feel alone, not feel crazy because maybe they are just as lost as me.  Or maybe my words will simply make someone appreciate all that they have.  Make them look at their children in a new light.  Each and every one of our children are a mirical, a gift!  On those days that they are driving you crazy, just absolutly pull your hair out crazy, you remember that some of us do not get to be driven crazy by our kids and make you appreciate them all the more.  I hope.  I hope that my words help you in some small way because then it makes it worth it.  It makes all of these words that I pour out actually matter.

Beach pictures

It was a little rough the day that we got there but still beautiful!

Honestly, does it get any cuter?  I didn't think so!  Those eyes!  I die!

Beautiful sunrise from the balcony of our condo.  Only problem was that it did not actually come up over the ocean.  I mean really.... what the heck!  I

Again, I die!  Such a gorgeous girl!


My little fish floating around!  She did fabulous and was perfectly happy just floating around kicking her little legs to get where she wanted to go!  I am thinking that swim lessons are in our very near future!  Just hoping that I can fit in a swim suit for another 8 weeks!! 

Woo hoo!  Catch me Daddy!!!  One of the few times that she would actually jump to him, only because I made her so I could get the picture!  Totally worth it though!!

This is my absolute favorite picture from our week at the beach!  I LOVE IT!
 

Momma, Ashlyn, and Bee at put-put golf

Yum, some ice-cream!

Daddy and Ashlyn outside of Wonderworks.  It was a neat place to go but just a bit too advanced for Ash.  I think this is something that we should have waited to do until she was like 7 or 8.

 

Fun times at the Alligator Adventure


Our little family!

9 months - a gift

9 months ago today I met my beautiful Quinn!




And to celebrate my daughter's 9th month birthday I received this....
 
 
 
 
The final sketch of Quinn's headstone!!! 
 
It took 3 different sketches but I think I am happy.  I think....  I am.  It is perfect.  She is my butterfly and there is one for each day that she was with us.  The quote is perfect.  Everything is perfect yet I still got all panicky when I gave the final approval.  This is it, so final.  There are very few things that I get to do for my daughter now that she is gone.  I got to plan her funeral and how I wanted people to remember her, and frankly, I think we did a damn good job!  I got to pick out the only outfit that she would ever wear and now I get to pick what will be her marker forever.  It is really one of the last tangible things that I get to do for her and with that over I feel..... I feel.... sad.  Very sad!
 
I miss my Bean.  More than I ever thought possible, I miss my Bean!
 
I would like to thank Memorials of Angels for donating this headstone to Quinn and our family!  Please, if you have a couple of extra dollars to spare, please donate to this wonderful organization! 
 
Happy 9 month birthday Quinn Elise!  I love you my sweet darling baby!
 

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Back from vacation!

I swear that I am going to get around to posting some pictures for the beach here soon. We had an absolutely wonderful time on vacation with the family!
It started out a little rocky…. apparently you have to tell the GPS NORTH
Myrtle Beach and not just Myrtle Beach…. We ended up at 3150 N Ocean BLVD no problem… except that the problem was, it wasn't our condo. Which was quite clear as soon as you looked at the place. I mean either my in-laws have been holding out on the fact that they won the lottery prior to booking this place or we were clearly not in the correct location! Well, turns out that we were about 20 minutes away from where we should have been. There were a few tense moments there…. okay, okay, tense is an understatement. I am highly surprised that Ashlyn wasn't dropping the F-bomb after that little fiasco. Sweet little child was giving me everything she could to comfort me as I was crying and no longer talking to Steve after screaming "That is the fucking address I put in" and it was… minus the North part. Hey, no one told me!
So puppy, blanket, her sippy cup, and her "hippo" (otherwise known as a pillow - she might be slightly confused on this one…) rode with me in the front for the rest of the trip.
We did finally make it to the correct condo and it was very nice, I mean there was no fountain and you wouldn't mistake if for a hotel in Las Vegas, but still, very nice! The week was wonderful. We had fabulous weather and had a great time just relaxing and just doing whatever we wanted to do! I promise, pictures are coming soon!!!
Now that we are home from vacation I am desperately trying to get life back to normal and still failing miserably. We just can't seem to stop running.
Tuesday was the Precious Parents meeting that I thought I had missed while we were on vacation. I missed both June and July and I was so thrilled when I realized that I got to go this month. I desperately needed that Quinn time. It is so nice to just get to think of my Bean and talk about her. Just saying her name makes me feel better! I miss her so very very much and I don't get to say her name near enough! I say Ashlyn probably 100 times a day and really, there are days that I don't say Quinn once. How sad is that! I needed that meeting! Apparently we all did because we ended up not leaving until just after 11:00! As much as I needed that Quinn time, in regards to Bee, it is hard. I am already a freak about this pregnancy and not fully convinced that there is a baby in there at all… yes, I know I have heard the heartbeat and in no way fit in normal cloths anymore but still……
Listening to everyone else brag about their babies does instill all that fear that you just never know! I want to go back to being naïve. I want to go back to believing that you get pregnant, make it past the 12 week mark and you are home free. You are then guaranteed to bring home a healthy happy baby. Or maybe the baby wont' be happy, maybe they will be colicky but you still go home with that screaming little being. But that isn't always the case. Babies die and sometimes always for no good reason! I still don't understand it. I cherish each and every person in my support group. I appreciate that they "get it" and they don't flinch when I say my daughter's name or look away when I cry but I hate that I have to know them at all. Hate it! I hate that I know that there is no guarantee that I will get to go home with a baby. All I can do is hold onto hope that this time we will be one of the lucky ones!
Next post, pictures of the beach, I promise!!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

8 months ago

Today is the 2nd.

8 months ago my daughter died…….

8 months.

Wow, I don't know how it has been that long already!

8 months of kisses and snuggles I have missed out on.

I miss my Bean every day but the 2nd is just one of those days that I miss her that much more. It is a knife in my heart that I have went another month without getting to hold my little girl. Another reminder of everything that is missing in my life… as if I need another reminder. EVERYTHING reminds me of Quinn. A butterfly, the clouds…. yes the clouds. Is that weird?

Instead of getting to pose Quinney for her 8 month picture and compare them too all of the other monthly pictures and see how she has grown, I only get to look at the few pictures I am blessed to have from her 4 days here with me.

8 months old…. What would she be doing? Crawling? Cruising? Probably not because of the Trisomy but what if she were healthy from the start. Oh the fun we would be having! She could be chasing her big sister around the house and pulling Frankie's tail… when she could catch him, that little pup is fast!
It just breaks my heart to think of all of the things that we are missing out on. All of us, not just me.

8 months of missing my baby and a lifetime to go……..

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Missing those sleepless nights

I am tired today. Ash didn't want to go to sleep last night and it took me until around 10 to actually get her down. Steve wasn't home and she kept asking, "Daddy home?". I told her that he would come in and check on her when he got home but she would be sleeping. Finally she calmed down and fell asleep. Of course then I stayed up too late watching the Olympics.
I can.not.believe. that Michael Phelps took silver! I was so sure he had it and then to lose it in that last what tenth of a second, ugh, heartbreaking! It is clear that he didn't train like he should have and just doesn’t have that spark this year. So disappointed!
Since I stayed up late watching him take silver and the girls Gymnastics take Gold, I wasn't thrilled when Ashlyn woke up at 4:30 calling for me. I went down to check on her and she said "I pee". Yep, sure did, right through her size 5 diaper. I even got her the bigger size for this very problem but apparently it didn't help. Ugh! New rule in our house, one cup of milk before bed! It is not uncommon for her to have at least 2 so….. Now I have to be mean mom and it is one and done! Her bed was wet too so after I changed her I decided to just let her come up to bed with Steve and I, aka I was too lazy to change sheets. I should have known better because of course she wouldn't just go to sleep. She had to keep talking to me and then Frankie was annoying her and I got maybe another 20 minutes of sleep for the rest of the night. Hence my being a tired momma today.
I figured that Ashlyn would at least stay asleep upstairs with Steve while I got ready but I was wrong there too. When I got up she wanted to get up with me to have her "coppee". This weekend I made her a cup of tea for her to have while I have my morning coffee, don't worry, it is de-caf, hers not mine… judge away people, judge away! Now she is hooked. For one, it is so cool because I let her make it in the Keurig so she loves getting to push the button but then it is also just cool to be like mommy and have her coppee in the morning! So instead of me getting ready on my own I have a little shadow following me asking for coppee. I finally got her to go upstairs and have Daddy help her play her Monkey Preschool game on the Nook to get her out of my hair for a minute.
While she went upstairs I was thinking of how tired I was and it got me thinking of what it will be like when Bee arrives. Of course that then got me thinking of all of the sleepless nights that I missed with Quinn. I never got to get up with her and snuggle her in the middle of the night. I never got to be so sleep deprived that I didn't even know what my name was. I miss my Quinn and I can't wait for all of the sleepless nights that I have in my future with my Bee! I promise, no complaining here when I have went 27 hours with only 2 hours of sleep! I will be thankful for each and every sleep deprived moment just so long as I can spend every one of them snuggling my babies!

Monday, July 30, 2012

New look

Thought it was time to change things up a bit around here!  Everything else is changing, why not the look too =)

A little eye candy



for no other reason than she is to beautiful to not share!  Love this girl!!!

These were taken yesterday at Ashlyn's little friend, Kara's 2nd birthday party!  Kara was even nice enough to let Ash take a little ride on her new toy! 

We had a great weekend!  I LOVE the Olympics!  Love them!  So that took up a lot of our weekend.  Just relaxing and watching Team USA!  Ashlyn would even cheer here and there, in between begging that we please stop watching this boring crap on TV and start watching something good, namely Mee-Cee (Mickey).  Seriously, this child is obsessed with Mickey!  She wakes up asking for it.  Although, this morning she woke up asking for a back rub, apparently she has been hanging out with Daddy for too long! 

Hope you enjoyed the pictures!

Monday, July 23, 2012

July 20th.... a year later

**I wrote this Friday morning but never got around to posting**

I am sitting here thinking of where I was a year ago. Life was so very different. I was 20 weeks 2 days pregnant and getting ready to leave for our big ultrasound. The party was planned, the cake ordered, the food was in the fridge, just waiting to be cooked for our big gender reveal party. We headed to the u/s and while I was maybe slightly nervous that the baby could have Down Syndrome because of our NT Scan, I was more excited that anything else!
Steve and I sat in the waiting room and I remember a news story coming on of a family whose car was swept into a river or creek and the entire family other than the father died. Steve and I talked about how horrible that would be and how you would wish to die as well. I felt for that man thinking here we are, our family in tact and happy and he is out there devastated wishing he had died too. Little did I know that my whole world would come crashing down around me just moments later!

Six little worlds…… "I am seeing genetic defects here……..." Six words that changed the course of our lives forever! The words hanging in the air, my brain not completely able to comprehend the full impact that they would have on my life…. I am seeing genetic defects here……

A year later and I still can't fully comprehend it or maybe I just don't want to. I know that Quinn was here. I know that I felt her warmth in my arms. I heard her little squeaks and her wonderful cat like cries but I still can't believe that it all happened. Sometimes I still expect to wake up pregnant with her and ready to leave for that u/s and hear the news that we were supposed to hear! That we were having a healthy baby and would find out the gender later that evening surrounded by our family and friends! I just want to wake up from this nightmare! But, I won't wake up. This nightmare is my life and I am a mommy with out her baby

*****

A year later and our story goes on even without Quinn here. We have no choice but to pick up and move on as much as we might not want to. Here I am pregnant again and thankfully this time our baby is healthy!!!! As far as Trisomy is concerned that is. Anything could still happen and I still fear all of those other things, but we do know that this baby does not have a form of Trisomy. Dr Stewart called last night and told us that our test results came back normal! A huge relief washed over me when he said those words. I feel better but I still have a lot of fear of all of the other things that can go wrong but I do feel like I have relaxed a bit. Now, we wait until our 20 week ultrasound so we can see that he or she is looking nice and healthy and I will feel MUCH better! Only one month and 2 weeks to go =)

It is crazy to think how different things are a year later. A year later I am a different person. So different.

I love you Quinn! Always!

And to you little Bee, I love you, too, and can't wait to meet you!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Anxiously Waiting

Things are going pretty well. Not much to report from the Pfeiffer household.
We are still waiting on the results from my blood draw. I am getting a little anxious. I know, I know, they said 7 to 10 days and technically today is only day 8 (if I give them the extra day for having to ship the blood to the lab). I am really trying to not be an anxious crazy person but… no one has ever accused me of being a patient person. I'm not. I am actually quite psychotic about it. I hate waiting! Hate it! But, there is nothing I can do but twiddle my thumbs and stare at my phone willing it to ring! I am just really hoping that they do not have to go to the second vile of blood and we get results in the next day or so and do not have to wait an additional 7 to 10 days!

Come on Dr Stewart, you can call with good news anytime now!

I get butterflies just thinking about seeing that phone number coming up on my phone…. I know that I will be on the verge of a panic attack upon answering it. How can I not be. I just keep praying pleading that everything is okay in there and baby number 3 is happy and healthy!!
If you get a chance and can say a quick prayer for baby and my patience / nerves it would be much appreciated! Oh and maybe one for daddy too… seems he has a terrible case of food poisoning. Yuck! Really hoping that he is better fast, we are planning a camping trip for this weekend!

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Guess What...

So, I am not going full out public yet, or should I say I am not going out of facebook, but for those who still follow us, in the few and far between posts, here is the big announcement.

I am happy!

Thrilled!

Terrified!

Monday we had a new test done called Materni T21. This is a DNA based test in which the baby's DNA is extracted from my blood and tested for any extra chromosomal material floating around in there. In all honesty, I am not really afraid that this baby has Trisomy.

I'm not!
Really!

I know that the chances of that are EXTREMELY slim. What happened with Quinn was a freak thing. It wasn't genetic, we didn't pass it on, it is just something that happened. I am not afraid that this baby also has it but I am afraid of EVERYTHING else. Miscarriage, late-term miscarriage, pre-term labor, ruptured uterus, you name it and I have thought about it. I am just so afraid that anything could happen to rip this little being out of my arms. I am no longer that naïve happy pregnant person who delusionally thinks that every pregnant lady goes home with a baby. They don't. Hard truth is, babies die. They die every day and bewildered broken hearted parents go home empty handed. This hard knowledge jades you. Eleven weeks and 3 days into this pregnancy I am still afraid to get too excited about it. Anything could happen to take this dream, this baby, away from me and damn it, I am scared to get too attached. Of course I am attached, this is my baby, my rainbow, but I don't know how yet to give all my heart because I can't live through it again. Watching my beautiful daughter take her last breaths and turn blue in my arms was the most beautiful and horrific thing I could ever endure and I. cannot. do. it. again. Can't. So, I am scared and I think I have a right to be.

The test that we had done is 99.8% effective in finding cases of Trisomy with an extremely low false positive. I should have results in 2 weeks or so. Two long torturous weeks! Like I said, I do not believe that this baby has Trisomy but I still need to hear it! Then I might calm a bit but until the 20 week ultrasound where we can take a look at every single little part of my little guy or girl in there I won't fully be comfortable. Even then I am sure I will be on edge because I have heard so many of the horror stories but I am hopeful that I will not be a complete basket case like now.

I am REALLY trying to relax and enjoy this pregnancy but the fear just slips its way in there. I find myself pleading with God to please please please let my baby be healthy. Let me bring home this baby and watch him / her grow up and let Ashlyn have a living sibling. I plead and plead!
I know that I haven't been posting much. This is sort of my therapy and when I couldn’t talk about my real issues, the new baby and the fears, I didn't really see a need to blog. I wasn't ready to tell the world yet. I couldn't let the world know and then have something happen. I still have this fear that as soon as more people know something will happen and I will have to tell everyone the horrible news. I know, crazy person right here! I can't help it. Go through something as traumatic and horrible as your daughter dying and you become slightly pessimistic. I don't want to be but….

So, this blog may take on a little bit of a change. I will still always talk about Quinn, I have in no way moved on from her death. It will never happen. Sure I will wade my way through this new world but I will never be far from the pain. Under the smile there are tears and that is just a part of life now. Until the day I see my Quinn again there will always be a gaping hole in my heart and no one will EVER fill it. However, I do feel slightly more stable in this new place. The sharp piercing stabs of pain are few and farther and more a dull ache now. So, the blog will likely turn some and concentrate a bit on the pregnancy, Ashlyn growing up, and our life in general. I won't change the name of the blog because no matter where we go in life, it is still Quinn's story. She is a part of me, of us, and our story is her story even if she isn't here. This little being that I have in my belly now is Quinn's little brother or sister and they, and Ashlyn, will always know their sister! I want them to know her strength and love and always know that they have an angel looking over them. As long as my Quinn is remembered she is never gone and I want to make sure that she is always remembered!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

My sweet daughter

Last night I was reading Ashlyn her two books before bed. 
This is a new thing for us. She is finally letting me read to her. Before, she would steal the book and try to flip the pages herself and just had no interest in her momma reading to her, at all. This was a bit of a heartbreaking thing for her book worm nerd of a mother!

Well low and behold we have finally come to a point where it is acceptable for me to hold onto the book and she might actually pay attention to part of the story =) 

So, last night we were reading Goodnight Thumper. We came to a part where Thumper’s sisters told him how they had missed him while he was gone. I then asked Ashlyn where her sister was.

She replied “I don’t know.”

I told her that her sister is her angel. This must have clicked in that little brain of hers because she promptly got off the couch and went and got Quinny’s picture down (knocking many others over in the process). She brought it over where she gave her a kiss and then handed it to me so I could also give her a kiss.

I then continued the story to both of my babies with tears in my eyes.

Oh the sweetness of my beautiful, caring, and oh so smart Bug! I am blessed to have such love in my life!

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

5 months... it just isn't fair!

Five months.  It feels like just yesterday yet at the same time it feels like years ago.  I have somehow managed to survive 5 months without my baby.  How?  I continue to breath and move on yet I also feel as if I am slipping backwards at times to.  It is getting harder to really believe that this is my story.  How is this my, MY, me - Meghan Pfeiffer, how in the fuck is this my story?  I am not supposed to be the mom to a dead baby.  I'm not.  How can this possibly really be my story?  It is getting harder to believe that I really do have to live with this forever.  Everyday I wake up and face yet another day that my daughter is not here with me. 
I have done a really good job keeping busy and sort of pushing the grief and the truth into the far far corners of my mind where I just don't have to deal with it.  Out of sight out of mind, right?  Well, I am tired.  I am tired of being so busy and what does that mean?  It means that it is time to slow down but that also means that I am going to have to face it.  I know that I have to eventually so.......  I am going to really have to sit down and deal with this.  I am going to really have to grieve.  Not something that I am really wanting to do..... it is easier to just push it aside and just be OK.  What is really wrong with OK?  Am I really supposed to ever be more than OK?  I don't know but I also know that I will never know if I don't really face this. 
I don't really know a lot about grieving but I know that there are stages and that it takes time.  I am assuming that anger is one of these stages and I am betting that there might be something about denial and maybe some guilt... I dont know, I have yet to read any of the books - this is another thing that I am working on......
I guess right now I am in the anger phase.  I am angry that my daughter isn't here.   I am angry that my friends daughters / sons aren't here.  I am angry.  There I said it, I am angry.  It isn't fair and don't give me that shit that life isn't fair.  I am not complaining that my kid didn't get to play during her softball game I am complaining that my daughter doesn't get any softball games or proms or a wedding.  All she got was 4 short days in the NICU and a funeral.  Now that isn't fair!  My daughter not only didn't get to run outside and play in the sunshine, her sweet face never got be touched by sunlight, ever.  Now that isn't fair!  It isn't fair that my most vivid memory of my sweet beautiful daughter is watching her turn blue in my arms.  That isn't fair!  So I am angry because I still believe that she and I deserve better!  We deserved a lifetime, not 4 days.  Four days is not a lifetime! 
It just isn't fucking fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**sigh**

This weekend is Bowling for Babies.  I am very excited for the event and also excited for it to be over.  I am ready to relax.  If you haven't already done so you can donate to Quinn's Pins at www.bowlingforbabies.net or, if you are in the area please join us!  If you don't want to bowl you can stop by for our silent auction! 

I also want to send a thank you to whoever you are in or around St Louis.  We received your card, thank you!!!! 
And because I am sad and angry I am going to attach a couple of the memorials I did for Quinn for this weekend... looking at that sweet face can always make me smile. 

I love you so much my sweet Quinn-Bean!!!  I can't wait for the day where I see you again!!! 


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Easter

So, Easter sort of sucked for me this year. I had a great time with Ashlyn. She was excited to get her basket, and had fun at the breakfast with the Easter Bunny though she did not go see him. She thought he was so cool until it was actually time to go up there. Then it was that moment where she looks at you with the shock in her eyes as if to say, “Really? Really? You really expect me to go up to that demented looking bunny and actually sit on his lap?   Really? You have apparently lost your ever loving mind!”
I, being the softy that I am, did not force her, So we ended up with this picture:


Rather than something like this:

She had a good time decorating her cookie

And at both of her egg hunts:



But all the while there are pieces of me missing. I smile and genuinely enjoy this time with my oldest daughter but at the same time I am desperately missing my youngest. I look back at Steve while we are on the egg hunt and while there is a stroller next to him it isn’t our stroller. It isn’t our daughter lying in that stroller while her big sister goes and gets candy just to come back and taunt her with all of the goodies that she isn’t old enough to eat yet. It isn’t my daughter because my daughter is lying cold in the ground, dead.

I think that this holiday has hit me harder for a couple reasons…. For one, I am over the initial shock. Christmas is one giant fucking blur. I have no idea what we did or how in the hell I ever lived through it. No fucking clue! But now, time has passed and memories have faded and I am forced to really face what is going on. This is also the first holiday that last year our little Bean was a part of. I knew I was pregnant and knew that it was our last Easter as a family of 3, we would be a complete little family of 4 but yet here we are a year later and we aren’t. Last year we had eggs for our Bean:


And this year I just have one that says "Momma loves Quinny" (sorry, I didn't get a picture of it yet and I am too lazy to do it right now)

Rather than having 2 Easter baskets from the Easter Bunny we have one.
We couldn’t show Ashlyn how brave her baby sister was because she would sit on the bunny’s lap. I imagine what it would be like to have both of my girls in their car-seats on the way to Papa and Nana’s house for Easter but instead when I look back the seat is empty where my Quinn should be.  Every time I look in that backseat I am reminded of what should be and isn't.  It isn't so much what is that is painful it is what isn't.  The fact that I can go to the indoor water park with my sister-in-law and our 3 kids..... I shouldn't be able to because there is no way in hell that we could have a 4 month old, 3 month old, 2 year old, and 6 year old.  No way in hell!  But there we were, having a blast because my baby girl isn't here to keep me at home with her.  There is my empty backseat screaming at me that my daughter is dead.  This is the hard part.  It isn't so much looking at her pictures or anything like that it is the normal everyday things that shouldn't be normal or easy because I should have an almost 2 year old and a 4 month old and nothing is easy with two children under 2!