First off, we have a headstone. An absolutely beautiful headstone! It stands out so well being the only pink one. I love it! I will admit that it was sort of hard to see for the first time. So… final. At the same time it was a wonderful feeling to know that my Quinn was here and now all the world can see that! She lived and yes, she died, but she lived! She lived for 4 days and everyone that goes there can see that now! She has a place not only in the hearts of all of us but also a permanent place there, even if it is in a cemetery it is still hers!
Other than that things have been going well.
Much better than my last post.
We all have our days and I think I had a few weeks there but no apologies here. I deserve to have a break down now and again.
I will never lie and tell you that this is easy.
It isn't.
There are days where it is hard to not just break down and cry and scream at the universe that you don't understand why your baby had to die. Sometimes I get lost thinking about her and her little squeaks. Ashlyn might do something sweet like say "I love you mommy" before bed and it will bring me to tears because I never get to hear Quinn say that.
It isn't easy.
It sucks.
Though I don't cry every day I think of her every day and I pray that never changes. This isn't easy and there will be times when I will have break downs and might seem a little crazy. There are also times when my and Steve's marriage will take a backseat as we try to just make it through the days but we will still be okay. I have no doubt in this fact.
Lately, Steve and I have been great. We have been spending time together and talking and it has been nice. Actually, Ashlyn has spent the night someplace the past two weekends and will be this weekend as well. While this is not a trend that I plan to continue it has been nice to have some Meghan and Steve time as opposed to Mommy and Daddy time. The one weekend was my birthday. I spent the morning with Renee and Ashlyn running to a few stores and then I dropped off a screaming Ashlyn and Renee to her house so I could go home and get some stuff that I wanted to do done. Picked up Ash and she and Steve gave me part of my birthday present which Ashlyn opened for me =) It is a beautiful Willow figurine of a couple holding their new baby. I love it. We then dropped Ash off to Nana and Papa and went out to dinner and then to Jared's where I got a few more charms for my pandora bracelet, which is now full =) Saturday morning we went and watched Annabelle's soccer game and then went to Kohls. We got lots of stuff for both girls and a few things for both of us too. Had lunch together… we were a couple. Not parents of a 2 year old we were just us.
This past weekend Ashlyn spent the night with Grandma and Papa so Steve and I could go to a wedding. Two weekends in a row with date nights! How lucky are we =)
Now this weekend Ash is going to Aunt Kesh and Uncle Chris's house while I go to an all weekend scrap booking crop. I am so so very excited for this "me" time! I go twice a year but this will be the first time that I am doing all 3 days. I am not sure if I will get to do the spring one seeing as I will have a 1 and a half month old at home! We'll see but for now I am taking advantage of this full weekend of me time! I plan to work on Quinn's album.
I have been stressing myself out about it for a good while now but I think I am pretty prepared for it now. I feel like I need to be REALLY organized and focused to be able to do this album and have it be the way that I want. I think I am at that point. I have printed poems and pictures and I think I can do it. I am really hoping to not be the crazy girl sitting there crying over my pictures but if I am, oh well! It will be emotional and hard but I really think that I will feel so much better once it is done. I will have something to show off of my baby girl. There is a good chance that I might carry this with me everywhere I go and just shove it in people's faces and be all, "here, look at this! This is my baby, and she lived!" So if I do that to you, I apologize now =)
I hope to scan a few of the pages, maybe all of them, and share them with you once the album is done but for now, I leave you with this….
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