Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Quinney is here

Quick post since I am ony phone..... Quinn Elise arrived yesterday at 5:03 pm she is 9 pounds 13 ounces. My little monster baby! So far she is holding her own! She is such a little fighter and did great through labor she didn't even make momma get a c section!
She had a ct scan yesterday that we will have the official reading on after 3 today when the doctor is in. Her omphalocele is giant and does have some liver in it they have suggested that we not do surgery. She will also have an echo today. Little girl has a long rode ahead of her but so far she is doing great and both Steve and I couldn't be happier with how things have went so far! Thank you for all of your prayers they are working!

Sunday, November 27, 2011

To my Quinn-Bean

Oh baby, I don't even know where to start!  I love you so much!  I am so very proud of you baby girl!  You have been so strong and such a little fighter!  Already you have accomplished so much and you aren't even born yet!  I have seen you practice breathing and swallowing, things we didn't know if you would be able to do and yet there you are, doing them! 
You have taught me so much little girl!  You have taught me to never give up and to always have faith and to believe!  To believe that miracles do happen and that no matter what we think should happen, things aren't always up to us.  These are hard things for me to accept but I am getting better every day! 

Tomorrow I will finally get to meet you and hold you in my arms.  I pray that I get to look into your beautiful eyes and feel your warm skin against my skin.  Quinn-Bean, I love you so much that I can't even begin to explain how much you mean to me!  You will always and forever be my baby girl.  This morning I was laying in bed you were squirming all around, Daddy even got to feel you, and it brought such a smile to my face!  It just amazes me how strong you!  I have cherished every moment that I have been blessed with while pregnant with you and I will cherish every moment of your life!  I pray that we get many many years with you but not matter what I promise to make it enough! 

I love you my sweet baby and I will see you tomorrow! 

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Daddy's Girls

So I don't do face book or blog cuz I'm just not into that crap, but I figured that since so many of you have followed this blog, you might be interested in what Dad has to say about our situation.

Well, to be perfectly honest, my world came crashing down on 7/20.  Since then, I've thought of things I never dreamed I would think of and I've battled with levels of hatred and anger that I've never known .  When we found out we were pregnant in March, I was obviously surprised, but so excited too.  I spent the first pregnancy being a worry wart which eventually led to anxiety and panic attacks that I now take meds for.  So, since I knew what to expect, I had nothing to do other than sit back and actually enjoy this pregnancy.  I envisioned the 4 of us at Xmas time, just one big happy family.  How could it get any better?

I could never really see myself having children when I was growing up.  Now, I can never see myself not being a Daddy.  I love being a dad more than anything.  My  favorite thing to do is snuggle with Ashlyn in bed before I get up for work.  There's just something so peaceful and calming and wonderful about holding her in my arms and feeling her soft skin on my cheek.  She is so beautiful and amazing.  I can't imagine my life without her.

So, back to my world crashing down.  When we went to find out the sex of our second child and found this bull shit out instead, my life turned upside down instantly and my heart was ripped out of my chest.  How the fuck could this be happening and why to my child?  This only happens to other people.  What the fuck?  1 out of 10,000 and we're that fucking 1?

Needless to say, since that day, life has become a real challenge. Not every day though.  Most days are relatively normal because I've had no choice but to learn to accept the worst fucking thing I could ever imagine.   Those other days though.......anger and hatred and sadness.  Those fucking days suck bad.

So...........in less than 48 hrs. from now, my truly amazing wife and mother of my children is going to be giving birth to our little Quinn.  I am so excited to meet her, but I am so terrified at the same time.  I am so terrified of the pain and sadness that will exist if the worst case scenario happens.  I can't describe the love I have for my little angel and I can't imagine her not being here.

Well, typing this and thinking about this is really starting to get to me.  Before I end, I do want to say a few last things.

To the people we know and don't know that have been following this and/or have been praying for us, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  It means the world to us to have such wonderful support from family and friends and people we've never met that know our story.

To my wife:  I love you so much.  You are so strong and so brave and I thank you for being such an absolute wonderful mother to Ashlyn and Quinn.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.  We will survive this together and be stronger.  Hang in there sweetie, our little angel is almost here.

To my Ashlyn:  Daddy loves you more than you'll ever know sweetie.  You are so perfect in so many ways and you brighten each and every day with those big beautiful blue eyes.  You are going to be such a great big sister to Quinn.

To my Quinn:  I know you can feel Daddy's love and I promise it will never go away.  I so cannot wait to hold and kiss you my little angel.  I pray that you are as strong and as healthy as you can be and that I will get to spend the rest of my life watching you be our little miracle.  Mommy and Ash and I are here waiting for you sweetie.  We love you so much. 

Dear God:  I have been angry and hateful towards you since the beginning of this.  I know that I have not talked to you since then.  I am sorry for doubting in your goodness and love.  I throw myself at your feet in mercy and beg that you be with my angel Quinn.  Please watch over her and take care of her.  She means the world to us.  Amen   





Friday, November 25, 2011

Last doctor appointment

Turns out that Wednesday was my last doctor appointment.  We discussed with the midwife our desire to be induced at 39 weeks.  I am rather miserable seeing as I am carrying a small pool around everyday and we are just ready.  Of course we will never be fully ready but we are as ready as we will ever be and need to move on with our lives.  for almost 19 weeks now we have lived in limbo.  Will Quinney be born alive? Will she live for only hours or will we get weeks or years with her?   So many questions that have been hanging over our head for so long and we need to face them.  Molly, one of our midwives, agreed with all of our reasoning but also wanted to check with the doctors.  She said that she would talk to a few of them and then give me a call in the afternoon to let me know.  The first doctor that she spoke to was Dr Davis and he wanted to meet with Steve and I as well.  He informed us that no one there has any issues with our birth plan and are fully supportive of our decisions to treat aggressively.  Seeing as that is our choice he wanted us to know the likelihood that I will end up with a c-section.  Babies with trisomy just do not respond well to labor and knowing our plan he could not sit there and watch her heart rate for long.  There is a good chance that I might only have one or two contractions before they decide that it is too much for Quinn and decide that we should go for the section.  I am fine with this my only request is that I do not have to be put to sleep.  We discussed that we would put a catheter in early for the epi so if I were to have to go for the section right away they would be prepared and could start the meds.  Dr Davis also agreed that it would be best for us to be induced as it is a controlled environment.... or at least as controlled as it can be and everyone is prepared for what is occurring.  I was very comfortable with everything that we discussed and we went ahead and decided that we would induce on Monday which is exactly 39 weeks. 
So Monday, November 28th is to be my Quinney's birthday.  Unless of course Quinn decides to come early.... I mean today is only Friday...... 
Steve and I are excited for Monday to meet Quinn but are also terrified.  I don't think that there is a word strong enough to say how scared I am.  I am so afraid that she will be born still or that she will die right after birth.  I am so scared of all of the possibilites that might occur but I know that no matter what it will also bring some peace to have answers one way or another and to just get to hold our baby girl. 
Steve and I are both on edge this weekend but are doing the best we can.  Wednesday evening was rough but we have talked and worked it out and are just doing everything we can to stay positive. 

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Ultrasound - I am a happy momma!

I can't even tell you how happy I am with the ultrasound today! We got to see Quinney practicing breathing and swallowing!! These are 2 major functions that we didn't know if she was able to do or not! My baby girl is a fighter!!!!
She is currently 6 pounds 11 ounces and right around the 50th percentile. Considering that many T13 babies are small this is another major win for us! We did see that her kidneys are slightly enlarged but at least one of them is working because her bladder was filling up.
The omphalocele seemed to be slightly larger than our last growth ultrasound and right around 8cms. There is still just bowel but we could see some fluid in there as well.
Now the reason that I am so huge is because normal fluid levels is around 12cms and I am at 26. Nice! Quinney has an Olympic size pool in there =)
I am currently dilated 1 to 2 cms and at my next appt (Wednesday) we will discuss if we want to induce at 39 weeks or let her come in her own time. I have thoughts both ways so I am not sure what I want to do!

Monday, November 14, 2011

Still here......

I am still here, I swear. Quinn is still in there moving around and apparently growing like a weed. Life in general has been crazy hectic but things with Quinn are pretty quite. We are just waiting for her to make her arrival. An arrival that I am still pretty much dreading and Steve is looking forward to.
We had our 2nd 3-D ultrasound a few weeks ago and our little Quinn Bean is beautiful! She is also no longer breach. Steve did a little bit of a happy dance but I actually had some tears. I don't want to have to have a c-section but in my mind I have always thought that it would be better for her so if she was breech it made the decision and easy one.
Steve and I also had our weekend away. It was amazing. Amazing! We went to The Ritz in Cleveland for two nights and just relaxed and spent time together. It was so nice to have some time to just be us for a little while. We weren't Ashlyn's mom and dad or the parents of a daughter with a genetic defect we were just us! Of course while being just us I was also still a very large pregnant lady and got MANY comments on how I must be having twins. I would politely tell them that there is indeed just one and left it at that. I didn't tell a single person about T13, this was my weekend and I refused to see that look of pity in anyone's eye.
Now going back to the MANY comments on being huge and ready to pop that would be because I am huge. Actually I have moved beyond huge and I am thinking more like ginormous now! Last week at my 36w3d appointment I measured 50 weeks. Of course 40 weeks is full term so measuring 50 is not completely normal. I think with Ashlyn the largest I ever got was 42. So I am set for another growth ultrasound on Thursday with my normal mid-wife appointment. Should Quinn be over 4500 grams (9 pounds) we will be offered an elective c-section and will also have to find a new outfit for her since the one that I got is a 5 to 9 pound one…. Trisomy babies usually are smaller and stop growing around 7.5 months so I assumed that we would need a smaller outfit….. Guess we will find out.
Other than that, not much is going on. I still haven't packed my bag for the hospital. I am not ready yet and I feel like if I get all prepared like I am ready she will come. I honestly know it doesn’t work that way but I still can't get myself to do it.
I will try to update soon! Our internet has been out at home so I basically just get on my phone but we are hoping to have that fixed here ASAP.

Before I go, here is a picture of our beautiful girl!  Just look at those chubby cheeks =)  I am so in love!