Saturday, November 26, 2011

Daddy's Girls

So I don't do face book or blog cuz I'm just not into that crap, but I figured that since so many of you have followed this blog, you might be interested in what Dad has to say about our situation.

Well, to be perfectly honest, my world came crashing down on 7/20.  Since then, I've thought of things I never dreamed I would think of and I've battled with levels of hatred and anger that I've never known .  When we found out we were pregnant in March, I was obviously surprised, but so excited too.  I spent the first pregnancy being a worry wart which eventually led to anxiety and panic attacks that I now take meds for.  So, since I knew what to expect, I had nothing to do other than sit back and actually enjoy this pregnancy.  I envisioned the 4 of us at Xmas time, just one big happy family.  How could it get any better?

I could never really see myself having children when I was growing up.  Now, I can never see myself not being a Daddy.  I love being a dad more than anything.  My  favorite thing to do is snuggle with Ashlyn in bed before I get up for work.  There's just something so peaceful and calming and wonderful about holding her in my arms and feeling her soft skin on my cheek.  She is so beautiful and amazing.  I can't imagine my life without her.

So, back to my world crashing down.  When we went to find out the sex of our second child and found this bull shit out instead, my life turned upside down instantly and my heart was ripped out of my chest.  How the fuck could this be happening and why to my child?  This only happens to other people.  What the fuck?  1 out of 10,000 and we're that fucking 1?

Needless to say, since that day, life has become a real challenge. Not every day though.  Most days are relatively normal because I've had no choice but to learn to accept the worst fucking thing I could ever imagine.   Those other days though.......anger and hatred and sadness.  Those fucking days suck bad. less than 48 hrs. from now, my truly amazing wife and mother of my children is going to be giving birth to our little Quinn.  I am so excited to meet her, but I am so terrified at the same time.  I am so terrified of the pain and sadness that will exist if the worst case scenario happens.  I can't describe the love I have for my little angel and I can't imagine her not being here.

Well, typing this and thinking about this is really starting to get to me.  Before I end, I do want to say a few last things.

To the people we know and don't know that have been following this and/or have been praying for us, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  It means the world to us to have such wonderful support from family and friends and people we've never met that know our story.

To my wife:  I love you so much.  You are so strong and so brave and I thank you for being such an absolute wonderful mother to Ashlyn and Quinn.  I can't imagine my life without you in it.  We will survive this together and be stronger.  Hang in there sweetie, our little angel is almost here.

To my Ashlyn:  Daddy loves you more than you'll ever know sweetie.  You are so perfect in so many ways and you brighten each and every day with those big beautiful blue eyes.  You are going to be such a great big sister to Quinn.

To my Quinn:  I know you can feel Daddy's love and I promise it will never go away.  I so cannot wait to hold and kiss you my little angel.  I pray that you are as strong and as healthy as you can be and that I will get to spend the rest of my life watching you be our little miracle.  Mommy and Ash and I are here waiting for you sweetie.  We love you so much. 

Dear God:  I have been angry and hateful towards you since the beginning of this.  I know that I have not talked to you since then.  I am sorry for doubting in your goodness and love.  I throw myself at your feet in mercy and beg that you be with my angel Quinn.  Please watch over her and take care of her.  She means the world to us.  Amen   






Joe said...

Quinn's Daddy,

People are praying for you guys... I am for one. I know some of what you have felt. My one and only baby boy was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 when he was born. I'd never even heard of it before. They gave us a list of serious conditions and told us that he wouldn't live. He's 5 1/2 months old now and doing strong! The early days are the toughest... even the regular baby stuff like will seem like it's dramatic, but realize the doctors don't have all the answers. In the end it is you, God, and your wife that are going to raise your precious daughter and the ones who care more than anyone. The first month is going to be the toughest... once you get through that it will get easier and you will start breathing easier. God bless you and your precious family!

elizabeth said...

Quinn's dad,
thank you for adding a father's voice. Your feelings are so valid and so normal. Please allow God to be near you. He can handle your anger and your hatred. Let him have it but don't shut him out. He lost a child too so he understands the pain. I will be praying for you all. I pray God holds you close. That you feel his hands. And that at times, when you don't feel him- you trust past those feelings of loneliness and know with faith that he is carrying you- like in the footsteps poem- along the beach, leaving only his prints in the sand. Rest in his love.

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