Monday, November 26, 2012

I Survived our first Thanksgiving!

Well, I survived. I had a good Thanksgiving. We had breakfast at Steve's parents and then spent the rest of the day at my Grandma's house. It was nice. We weren't rushed, we relaxed and enjoyed our families. Later in the evening I went shopping with Renee and might have went a little crazy on the sleepers for Adley! It was fun and not too overwhelming at all. Of course I wasn't out for any of the super major deals so I didn't have to worry about fighting with anyone over a TV or toaster oven =)
I have been feeling good. I am very thankful for this. I have my moments and there were times over the holiday that I had that sudden feeling of the wind being knocked out of me but for the most part, I feel good. It is / was hard to think of where we were just one year ago. Knowing that as soon as the weekend was over we would be meeting our baby one way or another. Would she be alive? Would she already be gone? Would she live for seconds? Would we have her for years? All of the unknown made that weekend nearly unbearable. What I remember of it anyway. Really, I don't remember all that much. I remember the fight that Steve and I had Wednesday night over going to my family's. He didn't feel up to it and I fought that we had to. I mean, it was our responsibility right? Put on the happy face and go and be Thankful for what we had? In the end it was Ashlyn and I that left and he stayed home. Ash fell asleep on the way there and I finally realized that it was okay to not put on the happy face. I text that I wasn't coming, picked up some starbucks and headed home. Sometimes, it really is ok to not live up to everyone else's expectations and as it turned out, no one, not one person, questioned that we weren't there. Hell, they probably would have questioned it if we were there!
Other than that, I don't really remember what we even did the rest of the weekend. I know that there was a dinner at my Grandma's and a dinner at Steve's parents but I couldn't tell you any specifics. I think we might have even had a Christmas get together at my parents but really, I don’t know… all a blur.
This year was much different and while it is at times still hard to be thankful for everything that I have because I am still so pissed at what I lost, I am. I am thankful. I am thankful for my family. My husband who at times drives me flipping crazy but I couldn't imagine my life for one moment without him by my side. My Ashlyn who is honestly the sweetest, funniest little girl I could hope for! Who is so darn excited to be having "another sister"! I love that she always, always, always, says "another"! Almost like she understand!
For my wonderful family and friends! So many people who have stood by us through the past year and helped us, even if you didn't always know that you were helping.
I have so much to be thankful for!
Ashlyn has been mentioning Quinn a lot more lately. She often asks where Quinn is. I tell her that she is in Heaven and when she asks why I tell her that she was too sick to stay here with us. In her innocence she says that she wants to go to Quinn's house to see her. I wish! I tell her that someday we will see her again. She gets it as much as a 2 year old can. It is sweet and sad. I know that as she gets older there will be more questions and I am okay with this. My goal in life is to make sure that my girls know their sister as much as they can. That she is a part of our life and our family always! Always! After hearing stories of how unsupportive families / friends can be I am thankful that my family is not like this at all
So, I survived Thanksgiving and now it is onto her birthday. I am anxious for Wednesday. I know that there will be tears but I also feel like it will be a good day. A nice day for the 3 of us to celebrate the life, no matter how short, of our Quinn-Bean!

Thursday, November 1, 2012


Today was my OB appointment. Things are looking great!! I am 27 weeks 4 days and measuring 29 weeks. So I have actually slow down since I was measuring 26 weeks at my last appointment 4 weeks ago. BP, weight, everything is looking good with me, though I would like the weight to slow down! Heart beat was 152. This little girl is a mover! Constantly squirming and kicking! I am thinking we might have an Irish dancer on our hands from the feel of it most times! I love it!
Today was also my one our glucose test. Now, me being the dumbass that I am had a café mocha at home before the appointment. I was totally not thinking and actually it never even occurred to me until the tech asked me what was in my cup before I drank the glucose crap. At that point I was only sipping on water but she mentioned that she just wanted to make sure it was Mt Dew or something or I would be back for the 3 hour. Yeah. Hand to the forehead! I am hoping that my saving grace might be that my numbers always tend to be very low and maybe just maybe I didn't totally screw myself and just fail so I have to sit there for 3 effing hours! I guess we will find out in the next few days if they call me. If they call I failed, if I passed no call! Let's pray for no call!
So last night, I had my very first dream where Quinn was in it. In nearly a year this is the very first time that she has ever been in my dream. Now that is not to say that she was not thought of in a dream. I have had dreams where she existed and I knew that I had lost her but she herself has never appeared in my dreams. Does that make sense? I remember very little of the dream but I know that she was there. She was a little older and beautiful. That is what I remember most, she was beautiful! I do remember that I got to hold her though she was at least a couple months old.. Maybe older, I don't know, I can't place it. I told her over and over how beautiful she was. I wish that I would see her in my dreams every night. I woke up missing her but feeling happy. I have been feeling good lately. Comforted. I can't really get into specifics at the request of others but there has been some events that have made me feel like she is here with us. That she is always here. The most comforting though is the feeling that she knew that we were there and that she was surrounded by love when she died. That she knew that I was holding her close to me. I can't tell you how wonderful and comforting it is to think that she really did know.
Anyway, sorry for being all cryptic, but it doesn't really matter why I have found this comfort, I have and it is a wonderful feeling. I miss my Bean but I feel her with me more and more =)
Now I have to get planning that party =)