Monday, November 26, 2012

I Survived our first Thanksgiving!

Well, I survived. I had a good Thanksgiving. We had breakfast at Steve's parents and then spent the rest of the day at my Grandma's house. It was nice. We weren't rushed, we relaxed and enjoyed our families. Later in the evening I went shopping with Renee and might have went a little crazy on the sleepers for Adley! It was fun and not too overwhelming at all. Of course I wasn't out for any of the super major deals so I didn't have to worry about fighting with anyone over a TV or toaster oven =)
I have been feeling good. I am very thankful for this. I have my moments and there were times over the holiday that I had that sudden feeling of the wind being knocked out of me but for the most part, I feel good. It is / was hard to think of where we were just one year ago. Knowing that as soon as the weekend was over we would be meeting our baby one way or another. Would she be alive? Would she already be gone? Would she live for seconds? Would we have her for years? All of the unknown made that weekend nearly unbearable. What I remember of it anyway. Really, I don't remember all that much. I remember the fight that Steve and I had Wednesday night over going to my family's. He didn't feel up to it and I fought that we had to. I mean, it was our responsibility right? Put on the happy face and go and be Thankful for what we had? In the end it was Ashlyn and I that left and he stayed home. Ash fell asleep on the way there and I finally realized that it was okay to not put on the happy face. I text that I wasn't coming, picked up some starbucks and headed home. Sometimes, it really is ok to not live up to everyone else's expectations and as it turned out, no one, not one person, questioned that we weren't there. Hell, they probably would have questioned it if we were there!
Other than that, I don't really remember what we even did the rest of the weekend. I know that there was a dinner at my Grandma's and a dinner at Steve's parents but I couldn't tell you any specifics. I think we might have even had a Christmas get together at my parents but really, I don’t know… all a blur.
This year was much different and while it is at times still hard to be thankful for everything that I have because I am still so pissed at what I lost, I am. I am thankful. I am thankful for my family. My husband who at times drives me flipping crazy but I couldn't imagine my life for one moment without him by my side. My Ashlyn who is honestly the sweetest, funniest little girl I could hope for! Who is so darn excited to be having "another sister"! I love that she always, always, always, says "another"! Almost like she understand!
For my wonderful family and friends! So many people who have stood by us through the past year and helped us, even if you didn't always know that you were helping.
I have so much to be thankful for!
Ashlyn has been mentioning Quinn a lot more lately. She often asks where Quinn is. I tell her that she is in Heaven and when she asks why I tell her that she was too sick to stay here with us. In her innocence she says that she wants to go to Quinn's house to see her. I wish! I tell her that someday we will see her again. She gets it as much as a 2 year old can. It is sweet and sad. I know that as she gets older there will be more questions and I am okay with this. My goal in life is to make sure that my girls know their sister as much as they can. That she is a part of our life and our family always! Always! After hearing stories of how unsupportive families / friends can be I am thankful that my family is not like this at all
So, I survived Thanksgiving and now it is onto her birthday. I am anxious for Wednesday. I know that there will be tears but I also feel like it will be a good day. A nice day for the 3 of us to celebrate the life, no matter how short, of our Quinn-Bean!


mbehm said...

happy birthday to quinn today :)

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