Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Day 2: The meaning behind your blog name

Where do we go from here.....

The title of my blog started out because at that time I wasn't sure where the hell we were going or heading in our lives.  Life had just been flipped upside down and I didn't have a fucking clue which way was up.  We had just found out that our baby girl was very sick and at that time we weren't even positive as to what her diagnosis would be.  "Where do we go from here" was basically my question to the universe and God asking "So, what the fuck do I do now?" 

Once we found out that Quinn did in fact have Trisomy 13 it became a question of where do we go from here, do we carry on and give her a chance or do we save our hearts (not that we could have) and end things now. 

That last question sort of answered itself.  I don't now if it was really ours to answer but once it was determined that we would carry on the title then once again meant something new.  Now it was more about where will we find ourselves?  Will we be the parents of a stillborn baby?  Would we get to meet her?  Would we meet her but then have to say goodbye?  Would we be the parents of a severely handicapped child?  I think that this was the hardest phase of the name.

Finally we come to now.  I guess now it questions where we will find ourselves in the future.  Where do we go?  Do we sit back and watch as our lives pass before us because we are too sad and hurt to participate?  Do we become bitter?  Or do we pick ourselves up and move on?  This is what I am choosing to do.  I will never forget my Quinn-Bean and I never want to but I will continue to move forward and find out where I will end up.  Maybe I will change paths and go into counseling or fundraising for a meaningful cause.  Maybe I won't.  I don't know where I will end up, I am still waiting to found out the answers to so many questions.  The one question that I do know the answer to is that no matter where we go we will do it as a family and we will continue to celebrate Quinn's life more than we grieve her death.  Always! 

On that note, Happy 3 month birthday baby girl!  It is so hard to believe that 3 months ago today I held you in my arms.  Oh how I miss holding you!  I love you more than words can say baby!  I hope that you are having a beautiful celebration in Heaven today! 

Monday, February 27, 2012

Blog Challenge #1

I was catching up on some of the blogs that I follow and came across this post on my friend Devany's blog.  I thought that it sounded like fun so I am going join the challenge =) 

Day 1: A recent picture and 15 interesting facts about yourself.

I know it is from Christmas, but it really is the last (decent) picture that was taken of me!

1. I have spent the past 10 years with my best friend and this year we will celebrate our 5th wedding anniversary.  I have always thought that we had an amazing relationship and in all honesty I have maybe even been slightly smug about it.  I used to feel guilty for this but now, nope!  You wish you had a relationship as good as we do.  We worked hard to have the relationship that we do and I am proud of that!  He is honestly my best friend and I do not know where I would be if it weren't for him.

2. I am addicted to Target.  And Starbucks. The fact that I can get both fixes at the same time makes me happy!  I would go to Target every day if I could, and if I could afford it!

3. I spent 6 years in the Ohio Army National Guard.  I went to basic training at Ft Jackson, SC and loved every second of it!  It was the hardest most rewarding summer of my life and I met amazing people while I was there.   My drill sargents  were named Taylor and Fifer.  Just more proof that Steve and I were meant for each other ;)

4.  I got my cards read from a psycic once and I will NEVER get it (or anything close to it) done again.  She told me that I would have 3 kids and that one would die.... yeah, enough said.

5. I am a twi-hard and I am not ashamed to admit it.  Team Edward!
I am also very much in love with The Hunger Games!  I can not wait until the movie comes out!  "I do not want to lose the boy with the bread".  Love it!

6.  Losing Quinn has changed many of the relationships in my life.  I have lost friends and family but I have also gained both as well.  I have met some of the most amazing people and I am thankful that there are people that do really get it.  I am hurt over some of the relationships that have changed or have ended completely but I know that it is for the best at this time. 

7. I am 100% in love with Adam Levine.  I love him.  He is amazing. Everything about him is amazing.  Have I told you that I love him and think that he is amazing?  Well, he is!

8. I sing flat and I don't care!  I torture Steve in the car but I think he would miss it if I stopped.

9. Steve hadn't bought me a piece of jewlery since our wedding day but since we found out about Quinn's diagnosis he has bought me 3 pieces.  For my birthday I got a Pandora bracelet with both of our girls' names spelled out.  Right after Quinn passed he bought me a locket which I have some of her hair in.  Then the other day he bought me the Open Heart Angel just because.  I love that Quinn has brought me bling =)

10. I still have my very first bra.  I have no idea why but I still have it and after all this time I can't bring myself to get rid of it.

11.  I sleep with a stuffed animal.  I always have and I always will!  Before, it was never anything that I was attached to, it was just something that was for comfort but now I sleep with Quinn's mini-hippo pillow pet.  I will be sleeping with that hippo until it is in taters and even then I will probably be clutching it.  I also sleep with the receiving blanket that Quinn was using the night that she died.  I haven't washed it and I never will.  This is the only thing that I have that my baby touched. 

12.  Quinn was not the first time in my life where I have experianced a great loss.  When I was 13 my birth mom died.  It sucked and I was sad but it was NOTHING compared to this.  I wasn't close to my Mom but regardless of your relationship with your mom it changes you when she is gone.  I am very lucky that I have an amazing person in my life that I considered my mom even before my birth mom died. 

13. I am crafty.  I love to scrapbook.  I can sort of crochet, at least well enough to make some beanies for Ashlyn anyway.  I can't really sew but I did manage to make Ashlyn a mobile and I plan to take a quilting class so I can make her a quilt out of her baby cloths.

14. I love trash.  As in trashy magazines, reality TV, the Kardashians, I love it but I will not watch Teen Mom. 

15. I do not eat the tips of fries.  I haven't for years.  I will eat up to the point and then throw that part out or I will just rip them off.  It drives Steve crazy!  I also have to dip everything!  Ranch, Italian dressing,  sour cream, ketchup.... I have Ashlyn doing the same thing too =)

There you go, 15 interesting facts about me.  Well, not sure if they are interesting but they are facts =)

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Keeping busy

Today I told Steve that I was going to take a quilting class with a friend.  His response, are you trying to have the world's most hobbies?  My reply, yes. 
Apparently I have made it my mission to stay as busy as possible.  I like it this way.  I need it this way.  I need to keep my mind occupied so I do not wallow in grief.  It isn't an option to be sad on a daily basis because I am just too darn busy! 
This does not in any way mean that I am too busy for my family.  Never.  I make sure that I spend a ton of time with my Bug and Steve but it also means that I am taking more time out for me too! 
So what is keeping me so busy?  For starters, Weight Watchers.  Every Wednesday, though soon it will be changing to Tuesdays I believe, is my WW meeting day.  After our meeting, Renee and I go to PF Changs where we can actually feel full and stay with-in our points for the day!  WW also fills up at least some of my day every day just because I have to count my points and cook.  If I don't cook then I will end up eating something I shouldn't, generally speaking, so, I cook! 
Other than WW I have bowling for babies (www.bowlingforbabies.net) which I have been putting my heart and soul into!  I want this event to be a huge success and am giving everything I have to make it that way!  Last Saturday a friend and I went all over the Montrose area to get silent auction items.  So far we haven't heard back from a single one but I am still hopeful! 
I am also getting back into another love of mine, cupcakes!  Before I had Ashlyn was toying with starting a small home business baking and selling cupcakes.  I had a few jobs and had a lot of fun with it but when I became a new mom I decided to step away from it.  Then, while I was pregnant with Quinn, Renee started doing more and more with cupcakes so I was helping her and we always joked that we should start a business.  Well, we are finally doing it.  Iced! Cupcakes and More, is my new passion!  We have worked to make our logo and I have spent hours putting copyrights on photos we have taken over the years of our cupcakes and posting them to facebook. 

Other than those two major time consuming things I also have my normal hobbies: scrapbooking, reading, cooking........ does facebook and words with friends count as hobbies?  I am sure that Pinterest does, I love Pinterest!!!
I know that it might not be the most effective way to grieve to just fill your time with other things, but right now it helps me.  Believe me, I still find time to think of Quinn daily but my sadness is not keeping me from living my life and living it VERY fully =) 

If you want to know more about bowling for babies, please go here we are still looking for more help and are definitely needing more bowlers!  I am the Donations Coordinator and am currently looking for more baskets for our silent auction if you would like to help.  Yes, I am begging, LOL =) 

And, if you want to see some of our cupcake creations you can see them on our facebook page.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Hi Quinn-Bean

Look who said Hi to her momma today =)

Valentine's Day...

...this year was bittersweet. I had a lovely evening with 2 of my Valentines

but there was definitely something missing, Quinn. Before we went out to dinner at Steve and I's favorite restaurant, Macaroni Grill (which is quickly losing it's place as my top pick, it just hasn't been as good since it re-opened), we stopped at the cemetery to "see" our gal! Since we couldn't find anything Valentines-ey that we could assure would not fall over or something in the elements I decided to get her a butterfly and a dragonfly decoration. I think it looks nice and springy!

I really would like to get rid of this temporary marker and get a headstone but they are so damn expensive! We are looking at around $4,500 for a run of the mill, nothing fancy, headstone. Ugh! This on top of all of the medical bills that are STILL coming in. Honestly, how long can it possibly take to get everything billed. At this point we are up to about $7,000. I really think that if you do not come home with your baby you should not have to pay all of the bills. It is only fair right… I think so!!!
When you have a baby that dies you don't just have bills that come in the mail. You still get the formula checks and the coupons to all of the baby stores. There is no box to check to unsubscribe because your baby is dead. All of it is a reminder of what you should have and yet here you are with nothing. Nothing but the sweet memories of your beautiful daughter that no matter how much you plead isn't coming home. Ever. It is a hard pill to swallow.
Yesterday we received a letter from the Hospital that in March they will be having a small ceremony for all babies who passed away September - December. When your child's name is read you can go up and light a candle in their honor. Sounds like a splendid fucking evening, doesn’t it. Yep. I am sure that we will end up going because how sad would it be for her name to be read and no one be there for her…. I couldn't do that to her. She deserves to be recognized no matter how hard it will be!

Thursday, February 9, 2012

If the moon stays up until morning one day.........

This morning on my way to drop Ash off at Renee's, I noticed that the moon was still up and it made me think of the first book that we read to Quinn. 

If the moon stays up until morning one day,
or a ladybug lands and decides to stay,
or a little bird sits at your window a while,
it's because they're all hoping to see you smile....

I believe that my Quinn-Bean was saying "hello" to me today and letting me know that it is all okay.  She is happy and healthy.  She is patiently waiting until the day that I join her in Heaven and until that day it is all okay.  I love the days that my baby says "hello"!  I needed it today.  I have been having a really hard time lately.  I have been holding onto a lot of hurt caused by other people.  Today, I am letting it go.  I am letting go my expectations of other people because they just don't know.  Are there still people that I do not have room for in my life, yes.  So it is time to let go of the anger and just simply walk away from them.  The anger was consuming me and I need to let go.  I need to move on to a place that I can be with the memories of my daughter, the pain and the joy but let go of the anger. 

I feel like there have been expectations put on me lately and I am not ready for them.  I am not in a place yet where I can make others feel better about this because I do not feel better yet.  I don't know if I ever will, I doubt it.  I won't feel guilty about what did and didn't happen because I can't.

I didn't know that her time with us would be that short.  Yes, I knew that it wouldn't last forever but she was doing so well that I didn't know that I would only have 4 days.  I thought there was more time!  I thought I still had time to get the pictures of the little feet and hands and ears.  Oh, how her Daddy loved those ears.  But, there wasn't time.  I hate that there wasn't enough time.  No matter what though, there never would have been enough.  Unless she outlived me there would always be something that I meant to do and thought that I still had time. 

A lesson that my baby girl taught me is to love with all you have because you never know if today might be your last day.  Hug extra tight and tell them again how much they mean to you and that you love them because tomorrow is never a promise, it is a gift!

I love you Quinney!  I miss you more than words baby girl!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

2 months ago a piece of my heart went to Heaven

The other day a friend had this quote on her FB: 
Resentment for the friends and acquaintances who said nothing was a wild, suffocating vine winding around my heart, squeezing out my compassion, clinging to my fear, bearing a bitter, inedible melon
It is from this blog
I can't agree with this more.  When you go through something like this, something so earth shattering and life altering, you will find out who people really are.  The people that text you to ask how you are doing out of the blue or email that they are thinking of you and love you are your true friends and family. 
There are a few people that really disappointed me with how they responded to me, how they just really weren't and aren't there for me.  There are even a couple people that hurt me so badly that there is no turning back.  Some relationships will never be repaired.  I guess this has been really weighing heavy on me lately, I even had a dream of confronting one of them.  I really see them for who they are now and who they are, I do not like. 
I do not understand how you could sit back and watch as I lost my daughter and say NOTHING.  Nothing!  Not one single word to acknowledge her life or our loss.  You are childish and so hateful that you could not put aside petty differences to be there for me, or more importantly, Quinn.  You could however send an email asking us to buy cookies.  Really?  Really?  This just goes to prove the type of person you are, both of you.  If you read this, know that I will never, NEVER, forgive you.  Ever. 
Sorry, that was just really something that I had to get out.  Phew, I feel better now! 
I know that it is hard and uncomfortable to face someone who just lost their child.  I know that losing a child is the hardest thing that you could ever go through.  I know that people do not understand the pain that I feel or the loss that I will never get over, I know that.  However, that doesn't mean that you should avoid the topic.  I want, need, to talk about my daughter.  She was here and she is very much alive in my heart and I need to talk about her.  If you make me cry, oh well, in all honesty, that isn't that much of an accomplishment.  The tears are always there, they may not be falling but they are always there.  Please do not avoid me, or worse, pretend like nothing happened.  Something did happen and I will never be the same for it.  Quinn was here and I am better for having known and loved her.  I poured everything I had into loving her and I still do.  I love her so purely and deeply even when I knew that I would most likely have to say goodbye.  I held nothing back and for that I am a better person.  So please, please do not pretend that nothing happened.