Where do we go from here.....
The title of my blog started out because at that time I wasn't sure where the hell we were going or heading in our lives. Life had just been flipped upside down and I didn't have a fucking clue which way was up. We had just found out that our baby girl was very sick and at that time we weren't even positive as to what her diagnosis would be. "Where do we go from here" was basically my question to the universe and God asking "So, what the fuck do I do now?"
Once we found out that Quinn did in fact have Trisomy 13 it became a question of where do we go from here, do we carry on and give her a chance or do we save our hearts (not that we could have) and end things now.
That last question sort of answered itself. I don't now if it was really ours to answer but once it was determined that we would carry on the title then once again meant something new. Now it was more about where will we find ourselves? Will we be the parents of a stillborn baby? Would we get to meet her? Would we meet her but then have to say goodbye? Would we be the parents of a severely handicapped child? I think that this was the hardest phase of the name.
Finally we come to now. I guess now it questions where we will find ourselves in the future. Where do we go? Do we sit back and watch as our lives pass before us because we are too sad and hurt to participate? Do we become bitter? Or do we pick ourselves up and move on? This is what I am choosing to do. I will never forget my Quinn-Bean and I never want to but I will continue to move forward and find out where I will end up. Maybe I will change paths and go into counseling or fundraising for a meaningful cause. Maybe I won't. I don't know where I will end up, I am still waiting to found out the answers to so many questions. The one question that I do know the answer to is that no matter where we go we will do it as a family and we will continue to celebrate Quinn's life more than we grieve her death. Always!
On that note, Happy 3 month birthday baby girl! It is so hard to believe that 3 months ago today I held you in my arms. Oh how I miss holding you! I love you more than words can say baby! I hope that you are having a beautiful celebration in Heaven today!
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Hi Meghan, just wanted to stop by and send some love! When we found out our son had a fatal seizure disorder pretty much guaranteeing his death by 4 years of age and heart defects that would be fatal within days without open heart surgeries (and even then, with his specific heart defects, the chances of survival were somewhat low) - we had to make that agonizing decision between awful and horrible. Made even more awful by the fact that we'd already buried a son (stillborn) and already knowing what it's like to suffer the death of a child... We decided to carry him and hoped to meet him, hoped for days, maybe weeks, miracle months, or if we were really lucky, years. We got 3.5 days and I'd give anything to go back to those days with him in our arms! We miss him so very much. My heart aches with you!
Heathering the Storm
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