Saturday, March 17, 2012

Still here

Phew, it has been forever!  I am still hanging in there I have just been crazy busy lately.  I have barely had time to breath let alone blog.  For right now I am liking my crazy schedule.  I know eventually I will have to slow down but for right now it is helping me get through. 

Today Steve, Ash, and I went to visit Quinney and decorate her grave.  It was such a gorgeous day!  75+ degrees in the middle of March, yes please!  We got a large urn to plant some flowers in and then a little Easter sign.  After we got all of the flowers planted Ashlyn and I blew some bubbles for Quinney =) 

I have been doing pretty well lately with keeping things together and not having too many break downs.  I did have one the other day when I was getting ready for crop.  I had to get all of my pictures of Ashlyn ready which meant that I also had to go through the ones I had printed of Quinn.  That was hard.  It is one thing to look at the pictures on the computer but it is another to hold them in your hand.  We have LOTS of pictures of her around the house but none from the night that she was born.  Looking at my sweet little baby in the minutes after her birth and just remember all of the emotions that I went through.  The relief that she was here and alive and the sheer terror that she could leave at any second.  The pride that I had just given birth to a 9 pound 13 ounce baby, only pushing for 10 minutes!  The love that was bursting from my heart for my sweet baby girl who was such a fighter that as soon as they put her on my belly for that second that I got to see her, she was already grabbing my finger.  So many emotions in those moments and to hold the pictures in my hands was really rough. 
It just reminded me of everything that I lost. 

I know that I am doing well.  Better than I thought even but I am not OK.  I will never be OK.  I hurt and I cry and I miss my daughter so so very much!  So much! 

I promise I am going to try and start updating more frequently again.  This week is going to be a hard one with the memorial on Monday and then Precious Parents on Tuesday.  We also have a Mass for Quinney on Saturday so I do believe that this will be a tear-filled week.


Emily said...


My heart just breaks for you and the pain you are in. The fact we will never ever get to change out pictures and put up new ones or get to see our babies grow up and the pain we feel in our hearts of missing someone so much that it takes your breath away...

I hate grief. I hate it. I hate that I think of Hazel less and am forgetting more of her. I hate that you will think of Quinn Elise more too... but maybe you won't. We find ways to remember our babies. They of course are IMPRINTED in our minds and hearts forever but finding a way to put them in our everyday life is hard... I still struggle with it.

I hate this all but I am so glad you got to meet Quinn and love her and hold her and kiss her and hear her cry and smell her skin and see all that hair!!! I'm glad that Steve got to have a part of that pain too as hard as it is. It will good for you as a couple but I hate that it happened to you guys. Ugh it makes me so angry.

Meghan said...

Oh Emily, it isn't fair! I hate that any of us have to go through this but I am so glad that I have met you and everyone else who understands just what that pain is. That no matter how "normal" we may look or how we can smile or laugh that just under the surface is the pain and tears! I wish that our Quinn and Hazel could be here and that we had met under different circumstances. I hope that our babies have found each other and are friends and are smiling down on us.
How are you coming on planning her celebration?

Emily said...

"Normal" is all so relative now... its like we are a shell of the old people we once were. We are new people with some of the old parts of us. This pain is a part of us forever. We go about our day, like you said laughing and smiling but it just isn't the same. I really hope our sweet girls are friends. Quinny Bean Elise is so cute and her name is so fitting to her. Hazel's nickname is Roo, our little butterbutt roo because she had the worst diaper rash and used that butt butter the hospital made and roo because John gave me a kangaroo charm for my bracelet the day that she was born.

On Hazel's birthday we are going to have an ice cream sunday party, have everyone make their own sundays because I never imagined having a baby in the summer and I want to celebrate her life, the fact we survived this year and not relive her horrific birth. On her death day, July 1st I want to do a balloon release and the day she went up to heaven. I want to separate the days.... at least this year, ya know?

As far as babies are concerned... no one knows how you feel but you. No one knows how far you've come in grief work or how ready you are but you. No one understands. I can relate to you 150%.

KatieMGreen said...

Hi Meghan!
i read this when you posted, but i am terrible at commenting!
life is busy here, too, maybe that is us dealing with things in that way? i don't know! i cant figure out half the time if i'm stressed just from being a mom of little ones or if it's the grief playing out in my parenting.. who knows!
i hope you are having a good weekend, though!
i'm having a blah time this last week... surviving but just feeling a bit heavy.

i do have to ask.. what is crop?? i saw it on your facebook too, and i couldn't figure out what it was :) :)

mbehm said...

the flowers look pretty :)

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