Tuesday, August 28, 2012

A little comparison

18 weeks now and 18 weeks with Ashlyn.  I didn't have one with Quinn. 
I can see that I am carrying slightly higher this time around.... I can also see that I was very very pale when I was pregnant with Ashlyn.  Thank you Myrtle Beach! 
So, seeing as I am 18 weeks (seriously, how am I already 18 weeks??), that means that the big ultrasound is in less than 2 weeks!  I am honestly dying!  I have been waiting since July 20th of last year to be able to go baby shopping so I think that it is appropriate to say that I am dying to go shopping!!!  Before I can go shopping though we need to have our big reveal party!!!   We are combining the reveal with our annual Browns kickoff party!  Here is the invite that I made... I must say, I love how it turned out!  Love it!

Having the invite done made me all the more excited for the party!  I am even more excited for the ultrasound!  I can't wait to see my baby! 
So, what is your guess?  Boy or girl? 
I can't really gauge myself.
Besides the obvious of wanting a healthy baby, I am hoping for a girl.  I lost my daughter and though no other baby can ever replace her I still want another girl.  I pictured Ashlyn and her sister growing up together, fighting, sharing...   Now, let me reiterate that I KNOW that no baby, boy or girl, will ever replace Quinn but that doesn't make me not wish for a girl. 
I will, of course, be happy with a healthy baby of either gender but a girl can hope.

 I will also admit that I know full well that this is most likely a boy and I am very prepared for that fact but until those blue balloons go floating up, I will hold onto that hope that they just might be pink. 

15 year reunion

Saturday was my 15 year reunion.  It was a good time.  I am sure it would have been a little more fun had I not been completely sober but still, good time.  I mingled but not as much as I could have... again, I was completely sober! 
There were a couple of people there that mentioned Quinn and the blog.  I guess I forget that there are actually people out there that read this.  I guess in my mind it is just like a diary hidden under my bed where I can go to put all of my inner thoughts.  The good, the bad, the fucked up, all of it, just out there.  I forget that it is actually all out there!  It is very surreal to know that people actually read my words.  I don't know how I feel about it.  I guess at times I feel... exposed. 
But that was the point right... to be exposed.  To tell it all - the ugly, the painful, the good things, and the bad.  Expose all of my deep crazy fucked up-ness in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, my words would help someone else.  Maybe there is another mom who has lost their baby and my words will help them not feel alone, not feel crazy because maybe they are just as lost as me.  Or maybe my words will simply make someone appreciate all that they have.  Make them look at their children in a new light.  Each and every one of our children are a mirical, a gift!  On those days that they are driving you crazy, just absolutly pull your hair out crazy, you remember that some of us do not get to be driven crazy by our kids and make you appreciate them all the more.  I hope.  I hope that my words help you in some small way because then it makes it worth it.  It makes all of these words that I pour out actually matter.

Beach pictures

It was a little rough the day that we got there but still beautiful!

Honestly, does it get any cuter?  I didn't think so!  Those eyes!  I die!

Beautiful sunrise from the balcony of our condo.  Only problem was that it did not actually come up over the ocean.  I mean really.... what the heck!  I

Again, I die!  Such a gorgeous girl!

My little fish floating around!  She did fabulous and was perfectly happy just floating around kicking her little legs to get where she wanted to go!  I am thinking that swim lessons are in our very near future!  Just hoping that I can fit in a swim suit for another 8 weeks!! 

Woo hoo!  Catch me Daddy!!!  One of the few times that she would actually jump to him, only because I made her so I could get the picture!  Totally worth it though!!

This is my absolute favorite picture from our week at the beach!  I LOVE IT!

Momma, Ashlyn, and Bee at put-put golf

Yum, some ice-cream!

Daddy and Ashlyn outside of Wonderworks.  It was a neat place to go but just a bit too advanced for Ash.  I think this is something that we should have waited to do until she was like 7 or 8.


Fun times at the Alligator Adventure

Our little family!

9 months - a gift

9 months ago today I met my beautiful Quinn!

And to celebrate my daughter's 9th month birthday I received this....
The final sketch of Quinn's headstone!!! 
It took 3 different sketches but I think I am happy.  I think....  I am.  It is perfect.  She is my butterfly and there is one for each day that she was with us.  The quote is perfect.  Everything is perfect yet I still got all panicky when I gave the final approval.  This is it, so final.  There are very few things that I get to do for my daughter now that she is gone.  I got to plan her funeral and how I wanted people to remember her, and frankly, I think we did a damn good job!  I got to pick out the only outfit that she would ever wear and now I get to pick what will be her marker forever.  It is really one of the last tangible things that I get to do for her and with that over I feel..... I feel.... sad.  Very sad!
I miss my Bean.  More than I ever thought possible, I miss my Bean!
I would like to thank Memorials of Angels for donating this headstone to Quinn and our family!  Please, if you have a couple of extra dollars to spare, please donate to this wonderful organization! 
Happy 9 month birthday Quinn Elise!  I love you my sweet darling baby!

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Back from vacation!

I swear that I am going to get around to posting some pictures for the beach here soon. We had an absolutely wonderful time on vacation with the family!
It started out a little rocky…. apparently you have to tell the GPS NORTH
Myrtle Beach and not just Myrtle Beach…. We ended up at 3150 N Ocean BLVD no problem… except that the problem was, it wasn't our condo. Which was quite clear as soon as you looked at the place. I mean either my in-laws have been holding out on the fact that they won the lottery prior to booking this place or we were clearly not in the correct location! Well, turns out that we were about 20 minutes away from where we should have been. There were a few tense moments there…. okay, okay, tense is an understatement. I am highly surprised that Ashlyn wasn't dropping the F-bomb after that little fiasco. Sweet little child was giving me everything she could to comfort me as I was crying and no longer talking to Steve after screaming "That is the fucking address I put in" and it was… minus the North part. Hey, no one told me!
So puppy, blanket, her sippy cup, and her "hippo" (otherwise known as a pillow - she might be slightly confused on this one…) rode with me in the front for the rest of the trip.
We did finally make it to the correct condo and it was very nice, I mean there was no fountain and you wouldn't mistake if for a hotel in Las Vegas, but still, very nice! The week was wonderful. We had fabulous weather and had a great time just relaxing and just doing whatever we wanted to do! I promise, pictures are coming soon!!!
Now that we are home from vacation I am desperately trying to get life back to normal and still failing miserably. We just can't seem to stop running.
Tuesday was the Precious Parents meeting that I thought I had missed while we were on vacation. I missed both June and July and I was so thrilled when I realized that I got to go this month. I desperately needed that Quinn time. It is so nice to just get to think of my Bean and talk about her. Just saying her name makes me feel better! I miss her so very very much and I don't get to say her name near enough! I say Ashlyn probably 100 times a day and really, there are days that I don't say Quinn once. How sad is that! I needed that meeting! Apparently we all did because we ended up not leaving until just after 11:00! As much as I needed that Quinn time, in regards to Bee, it is hard. I am already a freak about this pregnancy and not fully convinced that there is a baby in there at all… yes, I know I have heard the heartbeat and in no way fit in normal cloths anymore but still……
Listening to everyone else brag about their babies does instill all that fear that you just never know! I want to go back to being naïve. I want to go back to believing that you get pregnant, make it past the 12 week mark and you are home free. You are then guaranteed to bring home a healthy happy baby. Or maybe the baby wont' be happy, maybe they will be colicky but you still go home with that screaming little being. But that isn't always the case. Babies die and sometimes always for no good reason! I still don't understand it. I cherish each and every person in my support group. I appreciate that they "get it" and they don't flinch when I say my daughter's name or look away when I cry but I hate that I have to know them at all. Hate it! I hate that I know that there is no guarantee that I will get to go home with a baby. All I can do is hold onto hope that this time we will be one of the lucky ones!
Next post, pictures of the beach, I promise!!

Thursday, August 2, 2012

8 months ago

Today is the 2nd.

8 months ago my daughter died…….

8 months.

Wow, I don't know how it has been that long already!

8 months of kisses and snuggles I have missed out on.

I miss my Bean every day but the 2nd is just one of those days that I miss her that much more. It is a knife in my heart that I have went another month without getting to hold my little girl. Another reminder of everything that is missing in my life… as if I need another reminder. EVERYTHING reminds me of Quinn. A butterfly, the clouds…. yes the clouds. Is that weird?

Instead of getting to pose Quinney for her 8 month picture and compare them too all of the other monthly pictures and see how she has grown, I only get to look at the few pictures I am blessed to have from her 4 days here with me.

8 months old…. What would she be doing? Crawling? Cruising? Probably not because of the Trisomy but what if she were healthy from the start. Oh the fun we would be having! She could be chasing her big sister around the house and pulling Frankie's tail… when she could catch him, that little pup is fast!
It just breaks my heart to think of all of the things that we are missing out on. All of us, not just me.

8 months of missing my baby and a lifetime to go……..

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Missing those sleepless nights

I am tired today. Ash didn't want to go to sleep last night and it took me until around 10 to actually get her down. Steve wasn't home and she kept asking, "Daddy home?". I told her that he would come in and check on her when he got home but she would be sleeping. Finally she calmed down and fell asleep. Of course then I stayed up too late watching the Olympics.
I can.not.believe. that Michael Phelps took silver! I was so sure he had it and then to lose it in that last what tenth of a second, ugh, heartbreaking! It is clear that he didn't train like he should have and just doesn’t have that spark this year. So disappointed!
Since I stayed up late watching him take silver and the girls Gymnastics take Gold, I wasn't thrilled when Ashlyn woke up at 4:30 calling for me. I went down to check on her and she said "I pee". Yep, sure did, right through her size 5 diaper. I even got her the bigger size for this very problem but apparently it didn't help. Ugh! New rule in our house, one cup of milk before bed! It is not uncommon for her to have at least 2 so….. Now I have to be mean mom and it is one and done! Her bed was wet too so after I changed her I decided to just let her come up to bed with Steve and I, aka I was too lazy to change sheets. I should have known better because of course she wouldn't just go to sleep. She had to keep talking to me and then Frankie was annoying her and I got maybe another 20 minutes of sleep for the rest of the night. Hence my being a tired momma today.
I figured that Ashlyn would at least stay asleep upstairs with Steve while I got ready but I was wrong there too. When I got up she wanted to get up with me to have her "coppee". This weekend I made her a cup of tea for her to have while I have my morning coffee, don't worry, it is de-caf, hers not mine… judge away people, judge away! Now she is hooked. For one, it is so cool because I let her make it in the Keurig so she loves getting to push the button but then it is also just cool to be like mommy and have her coppee in the morning! So instead of me getting ready on my own I have a little shadow following me asking for coppee. I finally got her to go upstairs and have Daddy help her play her Monkey Preschool game on the Nook to get her out of my hair for a minute.
While she went upstairs I was thinking of how tired I was and it got me thinking of what it will be like when Bee arrives. Of course that then got me thinking of all of the sleepless nights that I missed with Quinn. I never got to get up with her and snuggle her in the middle of the night. I never got to be so sleep deprived that I didn't even know what my name was. I miss my Quinn and I can't wait for all of the sleepless nights that I have in my future with my Bee! I promise, no complaining here when I have went 27 hours with only 2 hours of sleep! I will be thankful for each and every sleep deprived moment just so long as I can spend every one of them snuggling my babies!