Saturday, March 17, 2012

Still here

Phew, it has been forever!  I am still hanging in there I have just been crazy busy lately.  I have barely had time to breath let alone blog.  For right now I am liking my crazy schedule.  I know eventually I will have to slow down but for right now it is helping me get through. 

Today Steve, Ash, and I went to visit Quinney and decorate her grave.  It was such a gorgeous day!  75+ degrees in the middle of March, yes please!  We got a large urn to plant some flowers in and then a little Easter sign.  After we got all of the flowers planted Ashlyn and I blew some bubbles for Quinney =) 

I have been doing pretty well lately with keeping things together and not having too many break downs.  I did have one the other day when I was getting ready for crop.  I had to get all of my pictures of Ashlyn ready which meant that I also had to go through the ones I had printed of Quinn.  That was hard.  It is one thing to look at the pictures on the computer but it is another to hold them in your hand.  We have LOTS of pictures of her around the house but none from the night that she was born.  Looking at my sweet little baby in the minutes after her birth and just remember all of the emotions that I went through.  The relief that she was here and alive and the sheer terror that she could leave at any second.  The pride that I had just given birth to a 9 pound 13 ounce baby, only pushing for 10 minutes!  The love that was bursting from my heart for my sweet baby girl who was such a fighter that as soon as they put her on my belly for that second that I got to see her, she was already grabbing my finger.  So many emotions in those moments and to hold the pictures in my hands was really rough. 
It just reminded me of everything that I lost. 

I know that I am doing well.  Better than I thought even but I am not OK.  I will never be OK.  I hurt and I cry and I miss my daughter so so very much!  So much! 

I promise I am going to try and start updating more frequently again.  This week is going to be a hard one with the memorial on Monday and then Precious Parents on Tuesday.  We also have a Mass for Quinney on Saturday so I do believe that this will be a tear-filled week.