Monday, December 3, 2012

December 3rd

While it seems like December 3rd shouldn't mean much, today has been the hardest day I have had in....  I don't know... since right after Quinney died I would guess. 
November 28th is her birthday (which was a good day, and there will be a post coming at some point), December 2nd was the day that she died and it was fine up until around 10:30.  We had a good day, we took Ashlyn to the blimp hanger to donate toys for Toys for Tots, went to Donzelle's to check out their Christmas stuff, and then home to watch the Browns game.  It was a good day.  After Ashlyn went to bed I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was the time that I never wanted to have to face.  It was the exact moments that, one year ago, I was holding my baby as she died in my arms.  As much as I didn't want to face it, I had to.  I couldn't ignore it and so, the tears came.  I wanted to just sleep and wake up and it be over but that didn't happen either.  After I cried myself to sleep thinking of those final moments with my Bean, I woke up and just like last December 3rd, I had to face the world with out my baby.  Nothing had stopped, everyone else continued on with their lives just like nothing had happened.  But something had happened, my heart was still broken.  I was still here and my baby isn't. 
I survived a whole year without her.  First Christmas, Easter, birthday... all of these firsts that she should have got to celebrate and didn't.  But I survived them.  Without her.  But today, today, I didn't want to survive.  I didn't want to carry on and act like everything was okay.  So, I didn't.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I remembered and thought of my baby and what should have been.  I, for the first time, called off work and let myself feel sorry for myself.  I deserved it.  Quinn deserved it.  No matter how much it hurts she deserves to be remembered and that is what I did today.  I did what was best for her and me and just let myself go and remember.
It is a lot easier to just push the feelings and memories to the side and go on like I am fine.  A lot easier.  Sometimes though, sometimes, we actually have to face our grief and remind ourselves that is okay.  It is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry!  I am not always that great at doing this but today, as much as it sucked, it was good.  It was good for me to just remember and even to feel sorry for myself.
Now, tomorrow I will go on and be strong again. 


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