I have been trying to write this post for weeks now. Weeks! (do I say that with every post now?)
Things have been good.
Let's see, where do we start? Crop. Crop was great! It was the perfect time and place to work on Quinn's album. I had a great time and most importantly I finished Quinn's album. I LOVE it! Love it! I feel more complete in my grieving… does that make sense? Like I have taken a step forward. I no longer have this huge project looming over my head. It is done and I have something beautiful and meaningful to show off to the world of my baby! I am so very proud of it! Her album actually ended up being 2 and the second will continue to be added to. We will add pictures from her birthday celebrations, the ornament that we get her every year… it will be added to and that makes me feel good too. Eventually I plan to add some of the pages that I did but not yet. Once our families get a chance to see it first!
Let's see… what else….. The rooms. Eh.. We have not done near what we should have had done by now but we are getting there. So far the wallpaper is completely down, walls have been cleaned with TSP, holes patched, and the ceiling painted. We are very slowly getting there. It will be painted this weekend. THIS WEEKEND! If it kills me! Or more likely, if it kills Steve, it will be painted! Now, this is Ashlyn's new room… nothing has happened in Adley's but that will come once Ash is moved and will not take near the work! Thank goodness there is no wallpaper in there!
Yesterday was Quinn's 11 month birthday. I just don't even know how it is possible! How far we have come in 11 months. I miss my bean and still cry often but I do feel like I have… I don't know how to explain it. I will never move on and there is always a hole in my core that I will never fill but I feel…. Ok…. I guess as Ok as I ever can feel… maybe. I don't know. I feel like I am somewhat settling into this new normal. The normal that though still sucks I am becoming accustom to. The normal that when I lay in bed after Ash has come up to cuddle with Steve and ,I and her hot little breath is on my face and her sweet little arm is around my neck all the while Adley is kicking away and I think, this is close to perfect as my life can ever get. It will NEVER be perfect because there is this huge part of us missing but it is as close to perfect as it can get. I have 2 of my girls here with me the other is looking down on us hopefully smiling that we have come so far.
With yesterday being Bean's 11 month birthday, that means that we are quickly approaching the one year mark. Steve and I have discussed it a few times and I think we decided what we feel is the best way to celebrate her short life. Her actual birthday is on a Wednesday. I was hoping to take Wed - Fri off work but can't with other vacations but I am at least taking off the 28th. Steve, Ash, and I are going to of course go up to visit her at the cemetery and then go to dinner. We are going to go to Spaghetti Warehouse. Now, their food pretty much sucks but it is a place that reminds us of Quinney. Steve and I often went to lunch there after our meetings with the Palliative care team and Neonatologists. We also went there for lunch the day that she died. We wanted out of the hospital for a few minutes so we ran down there. Like I said, their food isn't great but it is one of the only places downtown that is fast to get in and out of . The décor is pretty neat though and it reminds us of Quinn so I think that it is the perfect place to celebrate her birthday. On Saturday we are planning on having a very small birthday celebration. Just family and some cupcakes to celebrate her life. I think it will be perfect! The following Sunday will be one year from her death. I think, think, that I will be ok. The 2nd was not a bad day. It was a good day until very late that evening. The 3rd, the 3rd was the hard day. That was the day that I had to wake up to a beautiful sunny unseasonably warm day, without my baby. Now THAT will be the hard day to face.
So, I think that is it.
Oh, trick or treat! I LOVE Halloween! It is so much fun! Ashlyn was an adorable Minnie Mouse! Adorable!!! Ashlyn had a GREAT time! Her cousins, Bella, Brycen, & Haylee came over, as well as Zaina's daughter Anaya and nephew Trey. Ash was the perfect little trick or treater! She would get right up there and say it and then a nice Thank you after! One house was decked out. Michael Myers and Jason passing out candy, the big girls were too afraid to go up and Ash just walked her little Minnie butt right up there! After T or T everyone came back to our house. Grandma and Papa went with us too! The kids had a great time playing and we had tater-tot casserole and apple crisp! Delicious! I seriously love Halloween!