So, I am not going full out public yet, or should I say I am not going out of facebook, but for those who still follow us, in the few and far between posts, here is the big announcement.
Monday we had a new test done called Materni T21. This is a DNA based test in which the baby's DNA is extracted from my blood and tested for any extra chromosomal material floating around in there. In all honesty, I am not really afraid that this baby has Trisomy.
I know that the chances of that are EXTREMELY slim. What happened with Quinn was a freak thing. It wasn't genetic, we didn't pass it on, it is just something that happened. I am not afraid that this baby also has it but I am afraid of EVERYTHING else. Miscarriage, late-term miscarriage, pre-term labor, ruptured uterus, you name it and I have thought about it. I am just so afraid that anything could happen to rip this little being out of my arms. I am no longer that naïve happy pregnant person who delusionally thinks that every pregnant lady goes home with a baby. They don't. Hard truth is, babies die. They die every day and bewildered broken hearted parents go home empty handed. This hard knowledge jades you. Eleven weeks and 3 days into this pregnancy I am still afraid to get too excited about it. Anything could happen to take this dream, this baby, away from me and damn it, I am scared to get too attached. Of course I am attached, this is my baby, my rainbow, but I don't know how yet to give all my heart because I can't live through it again. Watching my beautiful daughter take her last breaths and turn blue in my arms was the most beautiful and horrific thing I could ever endure and I. cannot. do. it. again. Can't. So, I am scared and I think I have a right to be.
The test that we had done is 99.8% effective in finding cases of Trisomy with an extremely low false positive. I should have results in 2 weeks or so. Two long torturous weeks! Like I said, I do not believe that this baby has Trisomy but I still need to hear it! Then I might calm a bit but until the 20 week ultrasound where we can take a look at every single little part of my little guy or girl in there I won't fully be comfortable. Even then I am sure I will be on edge because I have heard so many of the horror stories but I am hopeful that I will not be a complete basket case like now.
I am REALLY trying to relax and enjoy this pregnancy but the fear just slips its way in there. I find myself pleading with God to please please please let my baby be healthy. Let me bring home this baby and watch him / her grow up and let Ashlyn have a living sibling. I plead and plead!
I know that I haven't been posting much. This is sort of my therapy and when I couldn’t talk about my real issues, the new baby and the fears, I didn't really see a need to blog. I wasn't ready to tell the world yet. I couldn't let the world know and then have something happen. I still have this fear that as soon as more people know something will happen and I will have to tell everyone the horrible news. I know, crazy person right here! I can't help it. Go through something as traumatic and horrible as your daughter dying and you become slightly pessimistic. I don't want to be but….
So, this blog may take on a little bit of a change. I will still always talk about Quinn, I have in no way moved on from her death. It will never happen. Sure I will wade my way through this new world but I will never be far from the pain. Under the smile there are tears and that is just a part of life now. Until the day I see my Quinn again there will always be a gaping hole in my heart and no one will EVER fill it. However, I do feel slightly more stable in this new place. The sharp piercing stabs of pain are few and farther and more a dull ache now. So, the blog will likely turn some and concentrate a bit on the pregnancy, Ashlyn growing up, and our life in general. I won't change the name of the blog because no matter where we go in life, it is still Quinn's story. She is a part of me, of us, and our story is her story even if she isn't here. This little being that I have in my belly now is Quinn's little brother or sister and they, and Ashlyn, will always know their sister! I want them to know her strength and love and always know that they have an angel looking over them. As long as my Quinn is remembered she is never gone and I want to make sure that she is always remembered!