July 20th.... a year later

**I wrote this Friday morning but never got around to posting**

I am sitting here thinking of where I was a year ago. Life was so very different. I was 20 weeks 2 days pregnant and getting ready to leave for our big ultrasound. The party was planned, the cake ordered, the food was in the fridge, just waiting to be cooked for our big gender reveal party. We headed to the u/s and while I was maybe slightly nervous that the baby could have Down Syndrome because of our NT Scan, I was more excited that anything else!
Steve and I sat in the waiting room and I remember a news story coming on of a family whose car was swept into a river or creek and the entire family other than the father died. Steve and I talked about how horrible that would be and how you would wish to die as well. I felt for that man thinking here we are, our family in tact and happy and he is out there devastated wishing he had died too. Little did I know that my whole world would come crashing down around me just moments later!

Six little worlds…… "I am seeing genetic defects here……..." Six words that changed the course of our lives forever! The words hanging in the air, my brain not completely able to comprehend the full impact that they would have on my life…. I am seeing genetic defects here……

A year later and I still can't fully comprehend it or maybe I just don't want to. I know that Quinn was here. I know that I felt her warmth in my arms. I heard her little squeaks and her wonderful cat like cries but I still can't believe that it all happened. Sometimes I still expect to wake up pregnant with her and ready to leave for that u/s and hear the news that we were supposed to hear! That we were having a healthy baby and would find out the gender later that evening surrounded by our family and friends! I just want to wake up from this nightmare! But, I won't wake up. This nightmare is my life and I am a mommy with out her baby

*****

A year later and our story goes on even without Quinn here. We have no choice but to pick up and move on as much as we might not want to. Here I am pregnant again and thankfully this time our baby is healthy!!!! As far as Trisomy is concerned that is. Anything could still happen and I still fear all of those other things, but we do know that this baby does not have a form of Trisomy. Dr Stewart called last night and told us that our test results came back normal! A huge relief washed over me when he said those words. I feel better but I still have a lot of fear of all of the other things that can go wrong but I do feel like I have relaxed a bit. Now, we wait until our 20 week ultrasound so we can see that he or she is looking nice and healthy and I will feel MUCH better! Only one month and 2 weeks to go =)

It is crazy to think how different things are a year later. A year later I am a different person. So different.

I love you Quinn! Always!

And to you little Bee, I love you, too, and can't wait to meet you!