Thursday, September 20, 2012

Feeling like a crazy person.....

Tuesday was the September Precious Parents meeting. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what but I was way more emotional than normal. I just feel….. fucked up. I don't know what other way to put it. I feel fucked up. I have so many different emotions running through me that I don't know how I feel anymore other than just straight fucked up. I am sad and pissed that I do not have my Quinn here with me. She should be with me! I am her mother and she belongs with me and it just fucking sucks that she isn't. Fucking sucks. So, I guess right now I am more pissed than anything else when it comes to that situation.
Then there is the new baby. I am so so very thankful that we have this opportunity to become parents again but at the same time it isn't fair that we have to. Talk about feeling fucked up when you are pissed and thrilled about the very same thing! How do you sort out those feelings? I have no clue! I am excited about this baby and I feel guilty for being excited. I am thrilled that we will (hopefully) have a new baby in our house in a few short months but at the same time I am angry that we will have this baby when we should have Quinn. In all honesty we would not be having this baby if Quinn were here so how in the hell do you separate being happy and excited for new baby but angry and sad that we have to have a new one at all?
I guess this all explains why I feel fucked up! Too many emotions about the same thing to even begin to sort everything out!
I feel slightly out of control.
I don't know what I am feeling anymore.
It is just all too much! I am a giant jumbled mess of emotions and I hate it! Hate it!
So, I guess that is why yesterday I was much more emotional than usual. I guess it is all understandable but it doesn't make it any easier.
I feel like a crazy person.
I am on edge. Steve and I got into a HUGE fight a few weeks ago. The Saturday before the gender reveal. I was crazy. Crazy! That is the only way that I can explain it. I still think that he was in the wrong but by the end I was just crazy. I mean I might as well have put on my wife beater on to look the part since I certainly sounded like trash outside screaming my fool head off. I will also admit that there might have been a beer bottle thrown….. I told you, I was crazy! I didn't however throw it at him. I threw it at the ground, lol. The one good thing about that fight was that it was the first one in a long time that we actually resolved. We actually said our piece, both apologized for being crazy, and we moved on. Normally it is more of a argue until we can't fight anymore then ignore each other until eventually we just forget about it. So I am going to say that even if it was a bit out of control it turned out to be a good thing.
Everything is just hard for me right now.
I am emotionally overwhelmed.
I am mentally overwhelmed.
Besides doing a crappy job at sorting out all of my feelings I am also doing a crappy job at being a wife. Steve and I had a discussion and we both just sort of suck right now at being a couple. We are great parents to Ashlyn and we do a lot of family things with her but there really isn't an 'us' right now. We have done a really good job at ignoring us a couple. I know that part of it is that we have both been dealing with Quinn's diagnosis and death in our own way. Even though we both lost essentially the same thing, a daughter, it is still very personal and different for each of us. We grieve differently but both seem to need to stay busy and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for us. But, we finally admitted that this is a problem and both agreed that we were going to start making us and our marriage a priority. We are going to go on dates and just do things for us and stop taking each other for granted. So, I guess that is where we are at right now. It will all get better…...


KatieMGreen said...

sorry you are having a rough time. but it's totally understandable.
many times i question what the heck is going on!?!? why did this have to happen!?!? but i know i wont' find out the answer so it's maddening. i can only imagine that pregnancy hormones add to the craziness.

i just started a book last week called "parenting by the book" It is awesome. i haven't read ANYTHING since "i will carry you" when i was preggo. The book is so good. it's exactly what you are talking babout - making your family orient around husband/wife and not revolve around the kids. it's something i knew, but just forget when you are running around with kids that you aren't just mom and dad - you are first and foremost husband and wife. it's a great read.

anyways... i totally just went on and on.

good blog post!! praying your third girl is just as healing as you are hormonal right now. I have a feeling it will be!!

Meghan said...

I am downloading that book tonight!! I haven't really read anything since "I will carry you either". I tried to get into the book club on FB but it just wasn't the right time for me.
Steve and I do need to get back to life revolving around us and not just Ashlyn and soon Adley too! I know that we need to do this now before the new baby makes things even more crazy!
Thanks Katie! I think of you often and hope that you are doing good =) <3

Emily said...

I feel this way a LOT! I can also say that John and I became more distant after Hazel died, read my posts lol but we are now reconnecting...

I think everything going on is normal and honestly it makes me feel more normal knowing that I am not the only one who feels emotionally and mentally overwhelmed and had trouble in the marriage and is confused about the current pregnancy!

Things do suck. I wonder sometimes if my life will ever become good again... even though good things are happening its always gonna have a hole.

Big hugs girl!

Post a Comment