Christmas

Christmas was wonderful. Ashlyn was very excited for all of her gifts and had a great time playing with her cousins from North Carolina on Christmas day. We of course missed our Quinn but overall it was a very enjoyable Christmas. We did go out to the cemetery, just Steve and I, on Sunday and decorated for Christmas. It was nice, been a while since we went without Ashlyn and just got to be quite and be with Quinn for a little bit.

We intended to go on Christmas but because I am suffering a terrible case of pregnancy brain we ended up not making it. We did however end up at my parents house 2 hours before dinner, lol! Oh well, it worked out so Ashlyn could take a nap and Quinn knows that she was with us that day so I am comfortable with that.
I must say though, I am glad that it is all over. I didn’t really feel the Christmas spirit this year even though I did very much enjoy it but the real spirit wasn't there. I am ready to relax and most importantly get this little bee's room ready! And wash all of the cloths, maybe even weed out another bag for goodwill. Get all of the baby gear out and washed as well. I feel very unprepared for her to be joining us so the next couple weeks I will be very focused on getting those things done. I am so very ready for this 4 day weekend coming up where we do not have a ton of running to do and I can really concentrate on getting her room and things done!

My cousin and his wife just had their 3rd baby so Steve and I went up to the hospital to visit them on Sunday. It was wonderful to hold Lennyn Rose and neither Steve nor I wanted to give her up, lol!

Can't wait until it is our own little Bee we are squeezing!! Less than 5 weeks!!!

Have I mentioned that we do officially have a middle name?

Adley Mae =)

Yep, I won! LOL!
It was actually sort of Steve who gave up. We made me a deal a while before Thanksgiving that if I would concede to not paint the nursery and keep it the pink that we had for Ashlyn that I could pick any middle name that I wanted. I honestly did have to think about it. I had a very clear vision of the room that I wanted and this was changing it completely. However, I knew that this was my only chance. If I didn't take this opportunity to pick the name I would somehow lose and I really love Mae. So, the room is pink. Maybe that is why I have had a hard time getting in there to work on it. I know that there isn't that much to really do and I don't yet completely have my vision of what it will be since I am no longer doing the walls the aqua color that I had planned. I know that it will turn out and my mom and I found some fabulous material for curtains so that did help. Now we just need to get the curtains made!


I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a safe happy New Year! We will be staying in watching some Ryan Secrest and drinking some sparkling grape juice… and I am perfectly okay with that =)

Beam me up

I heard this song this morning on the Elvis Duran show, Beam me up by Pink. They were playing it after the horrific events on Friday, which I just still can't fully think about. It hurts too much to think of what those parents and siblings are going through.

Of course it also made me think of my Quinn-Bean. Although, I don't know that a minute would be enough…..


There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parralell universe
Where nothig breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone

Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.

In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you

So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine

Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.

It's Gonna Be a Good Life

Funny how it works…….

I just started thinking how at this time one year ago I was getting out of bed to face the day that I would bury my daughter. To face my nightmare.

The last time I would see that sweet face, touch her hand, or feel the touch of her hair on my lips. That was my favorite, so soft and wonderful.

I was just having this thought and at that exact time, her song came on.

It's Gonna be a good life

I love you Quinney! Thank you for reminding me that it is going to be okay!
I miss you baby girl!

December 3rd

While it seems like December 3rd shouldn't mean much, today has been the hardest day I have had in....  I don't know... since right after Quinney died I would guess. 
November 28th is her birthday (which was a good day, and there will be a post coming at some point), December 2nd was the day that she died and it was fine up until around 10:30.  We had a good day, we took Ashlyn to the blimp hanger to donate toys for Toys for Tots, went to Donzelle's to check out their Christmas stuff, and then home to watch the Browns game.  It was a good day.  After Ashlyn went to bed I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was the time that I never wanted to have to face.  It was the exact moments that, one year ago, I was holding my baby as she died in my arms.  As much as I didn't want to face it, I had to.  I couldn't ignore it and so, the tears came.  I wanted to just sleep and wake up and it be over but that didn't happen either.  After I cried myself to sleep thinking of those final moments with my Bean, I woke up and just like last December 3rd, I had to face the world with out my baby.  Nothing had stopped, everyone else continued on with their lives just like nothing had happened.  But something had happened, my heart was still broken.  I was still here and my baby isn't. 
I survived a whole year without her.  First Christmas, Easter, birthday... all of these firsts that she should have got to celebrate and didn't.  But I survived them.  Without her.  But today, today, I didn't want to survive.  I didn't want to carry on and act like everything was okay.  So, I didn't.  I cried.  I cried a lot.  I remembered and thought of my baby and what should have been.  I, for the first time, called off work and let myself feel sorry for myself.  I deserved it.  Quinn deserved it.  No matter how much it hurts she deserves to be remembered and that is what I did today.  I did what was best for her and me and just let myself go and remember.
It is a lot easier to just push the feelings and memories to the side and go on like I am fine.  A lot easier.  Sometimes though, sometimes, we actually have to face our grief and remind ourselves that is okay.  It is okay to not be okay.  It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry!  I am not always that great at doing this but today, as much as it sucked, it was good.  It was good for me to just remember and even to feel sorry for myself.
Now, tomorrow I will go on and be strong again.