Five months. It feels like just yesterday yet at the same time it feels like years ago. I have somehow managed to survive 5 months without my baby. How? I continue to breath and move on yet I also feel as if I am slipping backwards at times to. It is getting harder to really believe that this is my story. How is this my, MY, me - Meghan Pfeiffer, how in the fuck is this my story? I am not supposed to be the mom to a dead baby. I'm not. How can this possibly really be my story? It is getting harder to believe that I really do have to live with this forever. Everyday I wake up and face yet another day that my daughter is not here with me.
I have done a really good job keeping busy and sort of pushing the grief and the truth into the far far corners of my mind where I just don't have to deal with it. Out of sight out of mind, right? Well, I am tired. I am tired of being so busy and what does that mean? It means that it is time to slow down but that also means that I am going to have to face it. I know that I have to eventually so....... I am going to really have to sit down and deal with this. I am going to really have to grieve. Not something that I am really wanting to do..... it is easier to just push it aside and just be OK. What is really wrong with OK? Am I really supposed to ever be more than OK? I don't know but I also know that I will never know if I don't really face this.
I don't really know a lot about grieving but I know that there are stages and that it takes time. I am assuming that anger is one of these stages and I am betting that there might be something about denial and maybe some guilt... I dont know, I have yet to read any of the books - this is another thing that I am working on......
I guess right now I am in the anger phase. I am angry that my daughter isn't here. I am angry that my friends daughters / sons aren't here. I am angry. There I said it, I am angry. It isn't fair and don't give me that shit that life isn't fair. I am not complaining that my kid didn't get to play during her softball game I am complaining that my daughter doesn't get any softball games or proms or a wedding. All she got was 4 short days in the NICU and a funeral. Now that isn't fair! My daughter not only didn't get to run outside and play in the sunshine, her sweet face never got be touched by sunlight, ever. Now that isn't fair! It isn't fair that my most vivid memory of my sweet beautiful daughter is watching her turn blue in my arms. That isn't fair! So I am angry because I still believe that she and I deserve better! We deserved a lifetime, not 4 days. Four days is not a lifetime!
It just isn't fucking fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This weekend is Bowling for Babies. I am very excited for the event and also excited for it to be over. I am ready to relax. If you haven't already done so you can donate to Quinn's Pins at www.bowlingforbabies.net or, if you are in the area please join us! If you don't want to bowl you can stop by for our silent auction!
I also want to send a thank you to whoever you are in or around St Louis. We received your card, thank you!!!!
And because I am sad and angry I am going to attach a couple of the memorials I did for Quinn for this weekend... looking at that sweet face can always make me smile.
I love you so much my sweet Quinn-Bean!!! I can't wait for the day where I see you again!!!