Wednesday, May 2, 2012

5 months... it just isn't fair!

Five months.  It feels like just yesterday yet at the same time it feels like years ago.  I have somehow managed to survive 5 months without my baby.  How?  I continue to breath and move on yet I also feel as if I am slipping backwards at times to.  It is getting harder to really believe that this is my story.  How is this my, MY, me - Meghan Pfeiffer, how in the fuck is this my story?  I am not supposed to be the mom to a dead baby.  I'm not.  How can this possibly really be my story?  It is getting harder to believe that I really do have to live with this forever.  Everyday I wake up and face yet another day that my daughter is not here with me. 
I have done a really good job keeping busy and sort of pushing the grief and the truth into the far far corners of my mind where I just don't have to deal with it.  Out of sight out of mind, right?  Well, I am tired.  I am tired of being so busy and what does that mean?  It means that it is time to slow down but that also means that I am going to have to face it.  I know that I have to eventually so.......  I am going to really have to sit down and deal with this.  I am going to really have to grieve.  Not something that I am really wanting to do..... it is easier to just push it aside and just be OK.  What is really wrong with OK?  Am I really supposed to ever be more than OK?  I don't know but I also know that I will never know if I don't really face this. 
I don't really know a lot about grieving but I know that there are stages and that it takes time.  I am assuming that anger is one of these stages and I am betting that there might be something about denial and maybe some guilt... I dont know, I have yet to read any of the books - this is another thing that I am working on......
I guess right now I am in the anger phase.  I am angry that my daughter isn't here.   I am angry that my friends daughters / sons aren't here.  I am angry.  There I said it, I am angry.  It isn't fair and don't give me that shit that life isn't fair.  I am not complaining that my kid didn't get to play during her softball game I am complaining that my daughter doesn't get any softball games or proms or a wedding.  All she got was 4 short days in the NICU and a funeral.  Now that isn't fair!  My daughter not only didn't get to run outside and play in the sunshine, her sweet face never got be touched by sunlight, ever.  Now that isn't fair!  It isn't fair that my most vivid memory of my sweet beautiful daughter is watching her turn blue in my arms.  That isn't fair!  So I am angry because I still believe that she and I deserve better!  We deserved a lifetime, not 4 days.  Four days is not a lifetime! 
It just isn't fucking fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


This weekend is Bowling for Babies.  I am very excited for the event and also excited for it to be over.  I am ready to relax.  If you haven't already done so you can donate to Quinn's Pins at or, if you are in the area please join us!  If you don't want to bowl you can stop by for our silent auction! 

I also want to send a thank you to whoever you are in or around St Louis.  We received your card, thank you!!!! 
And because I am sad and angry I am going to attach a couple of the memorials I did for Quinn for this weekend... looking at that sweet face can always make me smile. 

I love you so much my sweet Quinn-Bean!!!  I can't wait for the day where I see you again!!! 


Anonymous said...


I am not here to judge or say that I understand because I don't. Being angry is a feeling I have almost found comforting. Loosing a child at any stage is more than sad it is devistating. I cant begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss (Which I am sure you are tired of hearing that). But know that I mean it with all my heart. We lost our little boy at 18 weeks gestation and it has been the HARDEST thing to deal with in my life. Everyday seeing my daughter makes me think of him. When I think of all the things we are going to miss without him here I have to just remember how much God loves him and me and know that he would never give me more than I can bare. And then I have my bad days where I just want him here in MY arms, not Gods. But he is safe without pain and he breathes again, it is the only peace that brings me comfort. Know that we are praying for you and hope that someday when you say Quinn's name that it wont hold such anger of what could have been but what has been and how much joy those 4 days brought you just being with her! (I hope to be there at some point myself, just dont know when or if ever that will happen). Please know this comes from the best place and that I dont mean to offend you at all just want you to know that I am here and praying for you always! Find peace and rest in her love!


Meghan said...

Oh Morgan I know. I have days where I am comforted by the fact that she is whole and no longer has to struggle just to breath. She is healthy and happy but then the selfish me wants her here with me. It is so hard!

I go to a support group at Children's Hospital that if you are interested you could come with me sometime. You might find comfort there after everything that you have been through with losing your son. It is called Precious Parents if you would like to look up anymore info on it. The people that I have met there are wonderful and it is nice to know that I am not alone in this grief. I am not crazy, other people are feeling the same things that I feel. Let me know =)

Taylor gandc said...

While you want to believe that you will recover from the death of your child, that's rarely the case. The journey through grief takes time and much work. The days will become less painful, but there is no single date that passes that will make you feel instantly healed. The pain - and the memory of your child - will be with you forever.
Do get help - talk to family and friends, and don't be afraid to seek professional help from a grief counselor. To not seek help from others in ways you feel comfortable is why those who are professional at it may be the best even when you think not. Family and friends do care but struggle in ways you do not understand, the same as they all cannot understand your side unless they have lived it. There are those who have lived similar experiences that you should seek out to talk to or ask questions of their journey. It might be helpful when you think it will not.
Get into your grief, not out of it - many people want to rush around, keep busy, work harder, to have another baby - all to escape the grief. It doesn't work that way. Your baby will live on forever in your heart and not acknowledging your loss may hinder the grieving process. Maybe you should slow down and concentrate some on your own healing, and immediate family setting. There is no magic that can or will complete this process.
No matter how deep your grief and pain, no matter how alone you feel, you ARE NOT alone. Even when you think others are not commenting or talking direct to you about this, in their own ways they are wanting to help and may be struggling with how to. Don't assume, talk and work it out with yourself, with others.
You are loved, people do care and no matter how many quotes or words continue to be heard or shared, you and you alone have to find your way through this, and know that yes, life will never be the same as it was before this. Don't look for the way it used to be, look for the new ways life can and will be beautiful. With Quinn's memory always present, seek the happiness of each day and make that your strength.
Some of these words I found from healing sites I visit for helping me as you mother. Some of the words are mine. It doesn't matter which are which, what does matter is that you KNOW many family and friends have been touched by Quinn's birth and death. Everyone wants to see you happy and on a path of healing. You may not see 100% healing but with God's strength you can see the days ahead as a blessing without feeling life in not complete. We all seek answers to the Whys of Life and maybe we should strive to seek the blessings that came from them and the good that helps even one other person to accept the path and journey they are on. I love you and am here for you, you do have to seek the love and help from others, we cannot make it or fix it no matter how much we try. Take just a little small amount of your love for Quinn and realize that I am your mom and love you more than you will ever know. I love ALL my children no matter what has happen in life and they can accept that from me or not. May God bless you and help you each step of the way. xoxoxo

Jodi said...

Meghan, only knowing you for this short time, I feel so much of your pain. I hate feeling all the anger, guilt, physical heartache, and loss over Christian. I get up and go through the motions everyday, and every night I go to bed and everyday I wake up and realize AGAIN, that my baby boy is gone. I try to tell myself that Christian is in a better place and his heart is now whole, and he is running and playing and doing all of the things that he couldn't do and wouldn't be able to do here. I know that this isn't supposed to be more than I can handle, but it in my opinion it is. I am angry that nobody asked me if I could handle having a child with special needs and all of the things that came along with it. I feel like God didn't ask me, I would've loved him and cared for him and I wouldn't have cared about the stress of him needing 24 hour a day care, and that we wouldn't have cared about the financial burdens that we would have faced. At least he would have been here for me to physically hold and love. However, I find alot of comfort in our support group, and I find alot of comfort in knowing that I am not alone. I am here for you to vent to, please know that. Know that I am a phone call away, and don't worry about my sadness or my hurt because there are days that it will be my turn and you can be my rock for the day. You are amazing to me, and I think and pray for you often.

Emily said...

I *thought* I had a comment here. Guess it decided not to post.

I admire your courage to dive into grief and to face it. Grief is hard work and isn't fun. But everyone has different ways of dealing with grief and there is no wrong way of dealing with grief. I feel like we have so much in common with each other in terms of so many emotional things and I feel so lucky to have found someone like you. It helps to not feel alone like Jodi said. I find so much comfort in knowing I am not alone and that I have people to support and care. I think it is so great we found each other and all at different stages.

This seems kinda lame compared to what I wrote originally... but I wanted you to know that I find comfort too in knowing I am not alone.

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