Friday, March 22, 2013

Maybe slightly neurotic

I have learned this week that I might be slightly more neurotic than I thought.

Now that's scary!

Adley has a cold.
It started last Wednesday and has just been miserable. Runny and snotty nose, congestion, sneezing, coughing… miserable! It is hell to watch your baby be sick. It is also hell to have to make them cry while trying to make them better. I hate that bulb sucker as much as she does.

It wasn't until this Wednesday that I realized that I might be slightly crazy over this child. Renee and I were talking and she mentioned that Adley was coughing more and more and at times seemed to be having a hard time catching her breath. She emphasized that it was nothing serious but that it was making her worry. She was watching her and her mouth WAS NOT turning blue during these episodes and it wasn't constant but enough. I called the doctor and got her in for later that day.

Then I sat back down at my desk and the crazy started.

I have never been an over-protective mom. Believe me. Ashlyn is way too adventurous for me to even try to be. Honestly, one of her favorite things to do is jump off of her bed or the couch onto her over-size bean bag. I am not over protective yet I sat at my desk crying thinking, "I can't bury another one".

Yep, crazy!

I KNEW that Adley was OK. I knew that it was a cold. I trust Renee completely and though she was worried she wasn't overly concerned and I knew that meant Adley was fine. Yet with me being away from her I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop the thoughts from coming into my head and the panic creeping in.

I knew that Quinn's death would have an impact on my whole life and now I know that it will also have an impact on Adley's, in more than a 'yeah I had an older sister that died' way. You know that commercial with the mom who is blocking the dodge balls from her son? Yep, that will be me. Ashlyn will be running and jumping and climbing trees while Adley will be in my little bubble I create her. Now, don't get me wrong, I would NEVER want anything to happen to Ashlyn but I am not afraid so much of her dying. She is here and established and I don't know… like I said, neurotic. I just don't have as much fear with her but with Adley, I still expect her to be taken away. I think that is what it comes down to. I feel like one of these days she will be ripped away from me, just like her sister was. It hasn't really sunk in that I might be lucky enough to get to keep her.

Steve asked me the other day when we were going to put her in her crib. Umm…. Never….
OK, I KNOW that at some point the child will have to sleep someplace other than in her rock-n-play next to my bed but for now, I like her right there next to me. I can hear her sweet little grunts and know that she is OK. I use the excuse that it is easier while I am breastfeeding, which is true. It is easier but… it is also that I can't stand the thought of her not being right next to me.
Now, there are other things that I am totally laid back about. With Ashlyn, I felt like I had to hold her all. the. time. I was afraid of putting her down and her waking up or something. I was a new mom and didn't know any better. With Adley, as soon as she was asleep I put her in her swing or RNP or wherever. I am also not as fast to jump when she starts crying. I know that she will be OK to wait until I am able to get to her.
On a different note, Tuesday was the Precious Parents meeting. It is so great to go and just think of Quinn. I don't get to do that often being so busy with working full time and being mom of two so I cherish those few hours where I get to parent my middle child. Oh how I wish I had my 3 girls at home with me. I know that had Quinn made it we most likely wouldn't have Adley but it is still fun and heartbreaking to think of the what if. What if we did have all 3 at home right now. How crazy and wonderful would our life be! I wish…..
Well, I leave you with a picture of my beautiful youngest child, the source of a lot of my neurosis. OK, probably not really the source, I think I had a lot of it already she is just making me realize the extent of it =)
Isn't she just freaking gorgeous! Oh, I could just eat her up!


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