Before I got pregnant with Miss Aldey, I was doing Weight Watchers. I had just hit my 30 pounds lost mark when I found out I was pregnant and instantly started shoving my face ;) Hey, I knew that it would (most likely) be the last time I would ever be pregnant and my last chance to eat with no guilt!
I am not even sure what I exactly gained this pregnancy but I know that I kept on 22.8 pounds from where I was before.
I am again going with Weight Watchers to help me get this weight off but this time I opted for only online rather than the meetings.
I am quickly regretting this decision.
Now, even when we did "the meetings" we rarely ever stayed for them, but in all honesty, I NEED those ladies judging me to keep me accountable. I need those disapproving looks when I gain.
However, I am cheap. Meetings are twice the cost!
So, we are going to try something else.
You, yes you, are going to help keep me accountable. Mondays are weigh in day so, I am going to post my weight, yes, my real weight, here! I swear I will be honest. Maybe I will even take a picture of the scale.
I started WW on 2/27 at...
ugh, this is harder than I thought...
okay, 180.6 pounds.
This Monday I was at 175.6, thus loosing a whopping 5 pounds so far.
I don't have an exact number in mind for where I want to get down to but I think I would like to lose right around 40 pounds. That would be right about where I was when we got married.
I need to think of some rewards for when I hit my milestones.
Now, I just need to stay motivated and actually track! I suck at tracking! I do great during the day at work where things are controlled but at home, not so much! It is so much work to figure out points when you actually cook.
I swear I will start doing it though!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
Maybe slightly neurotic
I have learned this week that I might be slightly more neurotic than I thought.
Now that's scary!
Adley has a cold.
It started last Wednesday and has just been miserable. Runny and snotty nose, congestion, sneezing, coughing… miserable! It is hell to watch your baby be sick. It is also hell to have to make them cry while trying to make them better. I hate that bulb sucker as much as she does.
It wasn't until this Wednesday that I realized that I might be slightly crazy over this child. Renee and I were talking and she mentioned that Adley was coughing more and more and at times seemed to be having a hard time catching her breath. She emphasized that it was nothing serious but that it was making her worry. She was watching her and her mouth WAS NOT turning blue during these episodes and it wasn't constant but enough. I called the doctor and got her in for later that day.
Then I sat back down at my desk and the crazy started.
I have never been an over-protective mom. Believe me. Ashlyn is way too adventurous for me to even try to be. Honestly, one of her favorite things to do is jump off of her bed or the couch onto her over-size bean bag. I am not over protective yet I sat at my desk crying thinking, "I can't bury another one".
Yep, crazy!
I KNEW that Adley was OK. I knew that it was a cold. I trust Renee completely and though she was worried she wasn't overly concerned and I knew that meant Adley was fine. Yet with me being away from her I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop the thoughts from coming into my head and the panic creeping in.
I knew that Quinn's death would have an impact on my whole life and now I know that it will also have an impact on Adley's, in more than a 'yeah I had an older sister that died' way. You know that commercial with the mom who is blocking the dodge balls from her son? Yep, that will be me. Ashlyn will be running and jumping and climbing trees while Adley will be in my little bubble I create her. Now, don't get me wrong, I would NEVER want anything to happen to Ashlyn but I am not afraid so much of her dying. She is here and established and I don't know… like I said, neurotic. I just don't have as much fear with her but with Adley, I still expect her to be taken away. I think that is what it comes down to. I feel like one of these days she will be ripped away from me, just like her sister was. It hasn't really sunk in that I might be lucky enough to get to keep her.
Steve asked me the other day when we were going to put her in her crib. Umm…. Never….
OK, I KNOW that at some point the child will have to sleep someplace other than in her rock-n-play next to my bed but for now, I like her right there next to me. I can hear her sweet little grunts and know that she is OK. I use the excuse that it is easier while I am breastfeeding, which is true. It is easier but… it is also that I can't stand the thought of her not being right next to me.
Now, there are other things that I am totally laid back about. With Ashlyn, I felt like I had to hold her all. the. time. I was afraid of putting her down and her waking up or something. I was a new mom and didn't know any better. With Adley, as soon as she was asleep I put her in her swing or RNP or wherever. I am also not as fast to jump when she starts crying. I know that she will be OK to wait until I am able to get to her.
On a different note, Tuesday was the Precious Parents meeting. It is so great to go and just think of Quinn. I don't get to do that often being so busy with working full time and being mom of two so I cherish those few hours where I get to parent my middle child. Oh how I wish I had my 3 girls at home with me. I know that had Quinn made it we most likely wouldn't have Adley but it is still fun and heartbreaking to think of the what if. What if we did have all 3 at home right now. How crazy and wonderful would our life be! I wish…..
Well, I leave you with a picture of my beautiful youngest child, the source of a lot of my neurosis. OK, probably not really the source, I think I had a lot of it already she is just making me realize the extent of it =)
Isn't she just freaking gorgeous! Oh, I could just eat her up!
Now that's scary!
Adley has a cold.
It started last Wednesday and has just been miserable. Runny and snotty nose, congestion, sneezing, coughing… miserable! It is hell to watch your baby be sick. It is also hell to have to make them cry while trying to make them better. I hate that bulb sucker as much as she does.
It wasn't until this Wednesday that I realized that I might be slightly crazy over this child. Renee and I were talking and she mentioned that Adley was coughing more and more and at times seemed to be having a hard time catching her breath. She emphasized that it was nothing serious but that it was making her worry. She was watching her and her mouth WAS NOT turning blue during these episodes and it wasn't constant but enough. I called the doctor and got her in for later that day.
Then I sat back down at my desk and the crazy started.
I have never been an over-protective mom. Believe me. Ashlyn is way too adventurous for me to even try to be. Honestly, one of her favorite things to do is jump off of her bed or the couch onto her over-size bean bag. I am not over protective yet I sat at my desk crying thinking, "I can't bury another one".
Yep, crazy!
I KNEW that Adley was OK. I knew that it was a cold. I trust Renee completely and though she was worried she wasn't overly concerned and I knew that meant Adley was fine. Yet with me being away from her I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop the thoughts from coming into my head and the panic creeping in.
I knew that Quinn's death would have an impact on my whole life and now I know that it will also have an impact on Adley's, in more than a 'yeah I had an older sister that died' way. You know that commercial with the mom who is blocking the dodge balls from her son? Yep, that will be me. Ashlyn will be running and jumping and climbing trees while Adley will be in my little bubble I create her. Now, don't get me wrong, I would NEVER want anything to happen to Ashlyn but I am not afraid so much of her dying. She is here and established and I don't know… like I said, neurotic. I just don't have as much fear with her but with Adley, I still expect her to be taken away. I think that is what it comes down to. I feel like one of these days she will be ripped away from me, just like her sister was. It hasn't really sunk in that I might be lucky enough to get to keep her.
Steve asked me the other day when we were going to put her in her crib. Umm…. Never….
OK, I KNOW that at some point the child will have to sleep someplace other than in her rock-n-play next to my bed but for now, I like her right there next to me. I can hear her sweet little grunts and know that she is OK. I use the excuse that it is easier while I am breastfeeding, which is true. It is easier but… it is also that I can't stand the thought of her not being right next to me.
Now, there are other things that I am totally laid back about. With Ashlyn, I felt like I had to hold her all. the. time. I was afraid of putting her down and her waking up or something. I was a new mom and didn't know any better. With Adley, as soon as she was asleep I put her in her swing or RNP or wherever. I am also not as fast to jump when she starts crying. I know that she will be OK to wait until I am able to get to her.
On a different note, Tuesday was the Precious Parents meeting. It is so great to go and just think of Quinn. I don't get to do that often being so busy with working full time and being mom of two so I cherish those few hours where I get to parent my middle child. Oh how I wish I had my 3 girls at home with me. I know that had Quinn made it we most likely wouldn't have Adley but it is still fun and heartbreaking to think of the what if. What if we did have all 3 at home right now. How crazy and wonderful would our life be! I wish…..
Well, I leave you with a picture of my beautiful youngest child, the source of a lot of my neurosis. OK, probably not really the source, I think I had a lot of it already she is just making me realize the extent of it =)
Isn't she just freaking gorgeous! Oh, I could just eat her up!
Friday, February 22, 2013
Birth Story
My beautiful Adley Mae is here!
I am again head over heals in love! She is beautiful and I could spend all day snuggling with her! She is tiny, well for one of my babies anyway! Did I say that I am in love? I could gush over her forever!
For those who don't know, Adley was born on January 14th at 9:14pm. She was 7 pounds 14 ounces.
Once again I had a great labor. This one was a bit more intense being that it was the first that I actually went into labor on my own. With Ashlyn my water was leaking so I was induced and with Quinn I was also induced.
With Adley it was all her.
It started Sunday evening. I just didn't feel good. That night I was having contractions but nothing timeable, just enough to keep me uncomfortable and not able to sleep. I decided to go to work anyway figuring it was nothing and just the normal joys of pregnancy. I was tired and feeling pretty crappy but up until around noon I was mainly OK. Then I started having more and more contractions. I still managed to stay until around 2 and then I had to go home to relax. Relaxing in my world is doing the dishes (hey, if I was in labor I didn't want to come home to dishes in the sink), take a shower (to shave my legs of course), and pack my hospital bag. I got all of that done and finally laid down.
By this time the contractions were about 9 minutes apart but they weren't terrible. Uncomfortable but I didn't have to breath through them or anything. After a while I decided to go downstairs and sit in the rocker in Adley's room. I talked to Steve right before he left work and we (I) decided that we would leave Ashlyn at Renee's house seeing as the contractions were about 6 minutes apart by this time. I still do not think that Steve thought I was in labor. By the time that he got home they were 2 to 3 minutes apart but still not as painful. At this point I think he finally realized that this was happening and started running around to get everything ready for us to go to the hospital. I spent the next 15 minutes or so trying to get a hold of the after hours line for the midwife. I FINALLY got a hold of someone and spoke to the midwife on call and told her that I was ready to head to the hospital. She said to go ahead, they would check me and let her know if I would be admitted.
The ride to the hospital sucked. My contractions were now painful. PAINFUL! Of course this is when you get behind someone that appears to be high because there is no reason that you should be going that slow on the express way, ever! Ever! Especially not when there is a woman in labor behind you.
We got to the hospital right around 6. At Labor and Delivery Triage I saw 2 clearly pregnant girls waiting. One sitting and one leaning against the wall. Neither of them about to die as their baby ripping its' way out of their body. Me being in tears, moaning and near screams got taken first. It was kind of them. They quickly got me checked and I was at 5cm. I remember one nurse saying that they thought that this was going to be a "stop and drop" but lucky or everyone we had a little time.
I will admit that I was a bitch. I was in pain and it wasn't like a contraction, rest, another contraction, they were right on top of each other. There was very little rest. I wanted to claw Steve's arm. Literally. It took all that I had to not. I yelled at him to not touch me, not move me, snapped at the midwife who had to ask the same question over and over again.
Thankfully, I did get my epidural rather quickly. It was much harder this time to sit still for it. With Ashlyn I was uncomfortable but never in serious pain, I more got the epidural when I did because I was so tired. With Quinn, I never felt a single contraction. Once the drugs were in though, I was happy and much nicer. Also, the annoying midwife was off and my favorite, who I have seen since before I got married, Molly, was now my midwife!
The rest of labor was pretty uneventful. Around 8:15 or so Molly checked me and I was at around 9.5 cm and would have been full 10 but my water hadn't broke yet, though it was bulging. Molly went ahead and broke it and around 9 Molly said that I should start pushing. The only thing was I didn't feel the need to push. With both of the other girls I knew when it was time. This time, nothing. But, we went ahead and started anyway. I pushed a couple of times and nothing was really happening. Molly finally felt up there and could tell that not only was Adley sunny side up but she had her head tilted up and was stuck. I have to say that Molly did a great job keeping me calm. She said that she needed the doctor to come in and they were going to have to try and move her. I knew that if she didn't move I was going to have to go for a c-section but I managed to keep calm and not freak out. I asked if I should keep pushing and Molly said that a couple times wouldn't hurt. I pushed one more time and when I stopped I felt her move. Suddenly I actually felt the need to push and knew that one more push and she would be out and that is exactly what happened. By the time the doctor was coming into the room Adley was coming into this world!
My beautiful, ooey gooey baby! Out of the 3 girls, this was the first time I got to hold my ooey gooey baby! With Ashlyn they had to take her right away due to my water leaking for nearly 24 hours and of course Quinn had to be taken to be assessed. This time though, I got to cuddle my baby as soon she was in this world! I honestly could have stared at that little face forever!
We decided that we wanted pictures taken during her birth seeing as this would be a very emotional experience. Of course all births are, but we figured that this might be a bit more than your typical birth experience. I am so so very thankful that we have these pictures. They capture everything perfectly. I can look at these pictures and I see the pure JOY. Complete and utter joy and amazement!
Adley is a wonderful baby! She is beautiful and calm and just perfect! Honestly, bringing a baby home for the second time is a whole lot easier than the first. There isn't the stress of the not knowing.
Ashlyn is an amazing big sister! She LOVES her baby sister and is always wanting to hold her and help take care of her. I was worried that she would feel slighted, especially since she is such a Momma's girl and I am nursing but she has been such a big girl and very understanding. I am so very proud of my little lady! I couldn't ask for better daughters, all 3 of them.
I will admit that there are times that I look at Adley and my heart breaks for Quinn. I miss her every day and I promise you that as happy as I am to be Adley's mom I would give anything to have my Quinn back as well! It is surreal. Adley looks a lot like Quinn and I think that makes it even harder at times. It is hard to put the feelings into words. I know that if Quinn hadn't died or if she never had T13 that Adley wouldn't be here. It is hard to think of my world without Adley now that she is in it and to think if it weren't for her sister dying she wouldn't be here is just..... like I said, it is hard to put into words.
I know that my little Quinn-Bean is in Heaven smiling down on her baby sister and that makes me smile!
I am a very happy and proud Mommy! I love my 3 girls with all my heart!
Now that I have rambled forever, here are a few pictures of Adley not all ooey gooey =)
Gawd, is she gorgeous! Even if she does look just like her daddy and nothing like me!
I am again head over heals in love! She is beautiful and I could spend all day snuggling with her! She is tiny, well for one of my babies anyway! Did I say that I am in love? I could gush over her forever!
For those who don't know, Adley was born on January 14th at 9:14pm. She was 7 pounds 14 ounces.
Once again I had a great labor. This one was a bit more intense being that it was the first that I actually went into labor on my own. With Ashlyn my water was leaking so I was induced and with Quinn I was also induced.
With Adley it was all her.
It started Sunday evening. I just didn't feel good. That night I was having contractions but nothing timeable, just enough to keep me uncomfortable and not able to sleep. I decided to go to work anyway figuring it was nothing and just the normal joys of pregnancy. I was tired and feeling pretty crappy but up until around noon I was mainly OK. Then I started having more and more contractions. I still managed to stay until around 2 and then I had to go home to relax. Relaxing in my world is doing the dishes (hey, if I was in labor I didn't want to come home to dishes in the sink), take a shower (to shave my legs of course), and pack my hospital bag. I got all of that done and finally laid down.
By this time the contractions were about 9 minutes apart but they weren't terrible. Uncomfortable but I didn't have to breath through them or anything. After a while I decided to go downstairs and sit in the rocker in Adley's room. I talked to Steve right before he left work and we (I) decided that we would leave Ashlyn at Renee's house seeing as the contractions were about 6 minutes apart by this time. I still do not think that Steve thought I was in labor. By the time that he got home they were 2 to 3 minutes apart but still not as painful. At this point I think he finally realized that this was happening and started running around to get everything ready for us to go to the hospital. I spent the next 15 minutes or so trying to get a hold of the after hours line for the midwife. I FINALLY got a hold of someone and spoke to the midwife on call and told her that I was ready to head to the hospital. She said to go ahead, they would check me and let her know if I would be admitted.
The ride to the hospital sucked. My contractions were now painful. PAINFUL! Of course this is when you get behind someone that appears to be high because there is no reason that you should be going that slow on the express way, ever! Ever! Especially not when there is a woman in labor behind you.
We got to the hospital right around 6. At Labor and Delivery Triage I saw 2 clearly pregnant girls waiting. One sitting and one leaning against the wall. Neither of them about to die as their baby ripping its' way out of their body. Me being in tears, moaning and near screams got taken first. It was kind of them. They quickly got me checked and I was at 5cm. I remember one nurse saying that they thought that this was going to be a "stop and drop" but lucky or everyone we had a little time.
I will admit that I was a bitch. I was in pain and it wasn't like a contraction, rest, another contraction, they were right on top of each other. There was very little rest. I wanted to claw Steve's arm. Literally. It took all that I had to not. I yelled at him to not touch me, not move me, snapped at the midwife who had to ask the same question over and over again.
Thankfully, I did get my epidural rather quickly. It was much harder this time to sit still for it. With Ashlyn I was uncomfortable but never in serious pain, I more got the epidural when I did because I was so tired. With Quinn, I never felt a single contraction. Once the drugs were in though, I was happy and much nicer. Also, the annoying midwife was off and my favorite, who I have seen since before I got married, Molly, was now my midwife!
The rest of labor was pretty uneventful. Around 8:15 or so Molly checked me and I was at around 9.5 cm and would have been full 10 but my water hadn't broke yet, though it was bulging. Molly went ahead and broke it and around 9 Molly said that I should start pushing. The only thing was I didn't feel the need to push. With both of the other girls I knew when it was time. This time, nothing. But, we went ahead and started anyway. I pushed a couple of times and nothing was really happening. Molly finally felt up there and could tell that not only was Adley sunny side up but she had her head tilted up and was stuck. I have to say that Molly did a great job keeping me calm. She said that she needed the doctor to come in and they were going to have to try and move her. I knew that if she didn't move I was going to have to go for a c-section but I managed to keep calm and not freak out. I asked if I should keep pushing and Molly said that a couple times wouldn't hurt. I pushed one more time and when I stopped I felt her move. Suddenly I actually felt the need to push and knew that one more push and she would be out and that is exactly what happened. By the time the doctor was coming into the room Adley was coming into this world!
9:14pm and I finally got to meet my rainbow!
My beautiful, ooey gooey baby! Out of the 3 girls, this was the first time I got to hold my ooey gooey baby! With Ashlyn they had to take her right away due to my water leaking for nearly 24 hours and of course Quinn had to be taken to be assessed. This time though, I got to cuddle my baby as soon she was in this world! I honestly could have stared at that little face forever!
We decided that we wanted pictures taken during her birth seeing as this would be a very emotional experience. Of course all births are, but we figured that this might be a bit more than your typical birth experience. I am so so very thankful that we have these pictures. They capture everything perfectly. I can look at these pictures and I see the pure JOY. Complete and utter joy and amazement!
Adley is a wonderful baby! She is beautiful and calm and just perfect! Honestly, bringing a baby home for the second time is a whole lot easier than the first. There isn't the stress of the not knowing.
Ashlyn is an amazing big sister! She LOVES her baby sister and is always wanting to hold her and help take care of her. I was worried that she would feel slighted, especially since she is such a Momma's girl and I am nursing but she has been such a big girl and very understanding. I am so very proud of my little lady! I couldn't ask for better daughters, all 3 of them.
I will admit that there are times that I look at Adley and my heart breaks for Quinn. I miss her every day and I promise you that as happy as I am to be Adley's mom I would give anything to have my Quinn back as well! It is surreal. Adley looks a lot like Quinn and I think that makes it even harder at times. It is hard to put the feelings into words. I know that if Quinn hadn't died or if she never had T13 that Adley wouldn't be here. It is hard to think of my world without Adley now that she is in it and to think if it weren't for her sister dying she wouldn't be here is just..... like I said, it is hard to put into words.
I know that my little Quinn-Bean is in Heaven smiling down on her baby sister and that makes me smile!
I am a very happy and proud Mommy! I love my 3 girls with all my heart!
Now that I have rambled forever, here are a few pictures of Adley not all ooey gooey =)
Gawd, is she gorgeous! Even if she does look just like her daddy and nothing like me!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Christmas
Christmas was wonderful. Ashlyn was very excited for all of her gifts and had a great time playing with her cousins from North Carolina on Christmas day. We of course missed our Quinn but overall it was a very enjoyable Christmas. We did go out to the cemetery, just Steve and I, on Sunday and decorated for Christmas. It was nice, been a while since we went without Ashlyn and just got to be quite and be with Quinn for a little bit.
We intended to go on Christmas but because I am suffering a terrible case of pregnancy brain we ended up not making it. We did however end up at my parents house 2 hours before dinner, lol! Oh well, it worked out so Ashlyn could take a nap and Quinn knows that she was with us that day so I am comfortable with that.
I must say though, I am glad that it is all over. I didn’t really feel the Christmas spirit this year even though I did very much enjoy it but the real spirit wasn't there. I am ready to relax and most importantly get this little bee's room ready! And wash all of the cloths, maybe even weed out another bag for goodwill. Get all of the baby gear out and washed as well. I feel very unprepared for her to be joining us so the next couple weeks I will be very focused on getting those things done. I am so very ready for this 4 day weekend coming up where we do not have a ton of running to do and I can really concentrate on getting her room and things done!
My cousin and his wife just had their 3rd baby so Steve and I went up to the hospital to visit them on Sunday. It was wonderful to hold Lennyn Rose and neither Steve nor I wanted to give her up, lol!
Can't wait until it is our own little Bee we are squeezing!! Less than 5 weeks!!!
Have I mentioned that we do officially have a middle name?
Adley Mae =)
Yep, I won! LOL!
It was actually sort of Steve who gave up. We made me a deal a while before Thanksgiving that if I would concede to not paint the nursery and keep it the pink that we had for Ashlyn that I could pick any middle name that I wanted. I honestly did have to think about it. I had a very clear vision of the room that I wanted and this was changing it completely. However, I knew that this was my only chance. If I didn't take this opportunity to pick the name I would somehow lose and I really love Mae. So, the room is pink. Maybe that is why I have had a hard time getting in there to work on it. I know that there isn't that much to really do and I don't yet completely have my vision of what it will be since I am no longer doing the walls the aqua color that I had planned. I know that it will turn out and my mom and I found some fabulous material for curtains so that did help. Now we just need to get the curtains made!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a safe happy New Year! We will be staying in watching some Ryan Secrest and drinking some sparkling grape juice… and I am perfectly okay with that =)
I must say though, I am glad that it is all over. I didn’t really feel the Christmas spirit this year even though I did very much enjoy it but the real spirit wasn't there. I am ready to relax and most importantly get this little bee's room ready! And wash all of the cloths, maybe even weed out another bag for goodwill. Get all of the baby gear out and washed as well. I feel very unprepared for her to be joining us so the next couple weeks I will be very focused on getting those things done. I am so very ready for this 4 day weekend coming up where we do not have a ton of running to do and I can really concentrate on getting her room and things done!
My cousin and his wife just had their 3rd baby so Steve and I went up to the hospital to visit them on Sunday. It was wonderful to hold Lennyn Rose and neither Steve nor I wanted to give her up, lol!
Have I mentioned that we do officially have a middle name?
Adley Mae =)
Yep, I won! LOL!
It was actually sort of Steve who gave up. We made me a deal a while before Thanksgiving that if I would concede to not paint the nursery and keep it the pink that we had for Ashlyn that I could pick any middle name that I wanted. I honestly did have to think about it. I had a very clear vision of the room that I wanted and this was changing it completely. However, I knew that this was my only chance. If I didn't take this opportunity to pick the name I would somehow lose and I really love Mae. So, the room is pink. Maybe that is why I have had a hard time getting in there to work on it. I know that there isn't that much to really do and I don't yet completely have my vision of what it will be since I am no longer doing the walls the aqua color that I had planned. I know that it will turn out and my mom and I found some fabulous material for curtains so that did help. Now we just need to get the curtains made!
I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas and have a safe happy New Year! We will be staying in watching some Ryan Secrest and drinking some sparkling grape juice… and I am perfectly okay with that =)
Monday, December 17, 2012
Beam me up
I heard this song this morning on the Elvis Duran show, Beam me up by Pink. They were playing it after the horrific events on Friday, which I just still can't fully think about. It hurts too much to think of what those parents and siblings are going through.
Of course it also made me think of my Quinn-Bean. Although, I don't know that a minute would be enough…..
There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parralell universe
Where nothig breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.
Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.
In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you
So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine
Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.
Of course it also made me think of my Quinn-Bean. Although, I don't know that a minute would be enough…..
There's a whole n'other conversation going on
In a parralell universe
Where nothig breaks and nothing hurts
There's a waltz playing frozen in time
Blades of grass on tiny bare feet
I look at you and you're looking at me
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.
Some black birds soaring in the sky,
Barely a breath like our one last say
Tell me that was you, saying goodbye,
There are times I feel the shiver and cold,
It only happens when I'm on my own,
I tell ya, tell me, I'm not alone
Could you beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
I'd Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Just beam me up.
In my head, I see your baby blues
I hear your voice and I, I break in two and now there's
One of me, with you
So when I need you can I send you a sign
I'll burn a candle and turn off the lights
I'll pick a star and watch you shine
Just beam me up,
Give me a minute, I don't know what I'd say in it
Probably just stare, happy just to be there, holding your face
Beam me up,
Let me be lighter, tired of being a fighter,
I think, a minutes enough,
Beam me up
Beam me up
Beam me up
Could you beam me up.
Friday, December 7, 2012
It's Gonna Be a Good Life
Funny how it works…….
I just started thinking how at this time one year ago I was getting out of bed to face the day that I would bury my daughter. To face my nightmare.
The last time I would see that sweet face, touch her hand, or feel the touch of her hair on my lips. That was my favorite, so soft and wonderful.
I was just having this thought and at that exact time, her song came on.
It's Gonna be a good life
I love you Quinney! Thank you for reminding me that it is going to be okay!
I miss you baby girl!
I just started thinking how at this time one year ago I was getting out of bed to face the day that I would bury my daughter. To face my nightmare.
The last time I would see that sweet face, touch her hand, or feel the touch of her hair on my lips. That was my favorite, so soft and wonderful.
I was just having this thought and at that exact time, her song came on.
It's Gonna be a good life
I love you Quinney! Thank you for reminding me that it is going to be okay!
I miss you baby girl!
Monday, December 3, 2012
December 3rd
While it seems like December 3rd shouldn't mean much, today has been the hardest day I have had in.... I don't know... since right after Quinney died I would guess.
November 28th is her birthday (which was a good day, and there will be a post coming at some point), December 2nd was the day that she died and it was fine up until around 10:30. We had a good day, we took Ashlyn to the blimp hanger to donate toys for Toys for Tots, went to Donzelle's to check out their Christmas stuff, and then home to watch the Browns game. It was a good day. After Ashlyn went to bed I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was the time that I never wanted to have to face. It was the exact moments that, one year ago, I was holding my baby as she died in my arms. As much as I didn't want to face it, I had to. I couldn't ignore it and so, the tears came. I wanted to just sleep and wake up and it be over but that didn't happen either. After I cried myself to sleep thinking of those final moments with my Bean, I woke up and just like last December 3rd, I had to face the world with out my baby. Nothing had stopped, everyone else continued on with their lives just like nothing had happened. But something had happened, my heart was still broken. I was still here and my baby isn't.
I survived a whole year without her. First Christmas, Easter, birthday... all of these firsts that she should have got to celebrate and didn't. But I survived them. Without her. But today, today, I didn't want to survive. I didn't want to carry on and act like everything was okay. So, I didn't. I cried. I cried a lot. I remembered and thought of my baby and what should have been. I, for the first time, called off work and let myself feel sorry for myself. I deserved it. Quinn deserved it. No matter how much it hurts she deserves to be remembered and that is what I did today. I did what was best for her and me and just let myself go and remember.
It is a lot easier to just push the feelings and memories to the side and go on like I am fine. A lot easier. Sometimes though, sometimes, we actually have to face our grief and remind ourselves that is okay. It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry! I am not always that great at doing this but today, as much as it sucked, it was good. It was good for me to just remember and even to feel sorry for myself.
Now, tomorrow I will go on and be strong again.
November 28th is her birthday (which was a good day, and there will be a post coming at some point), December 2nd was the day that she died and it was fine up until around 10:30. We had a good day, we took Ashlyn to the blimp hanger to donate toys for Toys for Tots, went to Donzelle's to check out their Christmas stuff, and then home to watch the Browns game. It was a good day. After Ashlyn went to bed I fell asleep on the couch and when I woke up it was the time that I never wanted to have to face. It was the exact moments that, one year ago, I was holding my baby as she died in my arms. As much as I didn't want to face it, I had to. I couldn't ignore it and so, the tears came. I wanted to just sleep and wake up and it be over but that didn't happen either. After I cried myself to sleep thinking of those final moments with my Bean, I woke up and just like last December 3rd, I had to face the world with out my baby. Nothing had stopped, everyone else continued on with their lives just like nothing had happened. But something had happened, my heart was still broken. I was still here and my baby isn't.
I survived a whole year without her. First Christmas, Easter, birthday... all of these firsts that she should have got to celebrate and didn't. But I survived them. Without her. But today, today, I didn't want to survive. I didn't want to carry on and act like everything was okay. So, I didn't. I cried. I cried a lot. I remembered and thought of my baby and what should have been. I, for the first time, called off work and let myself feel sorry for myself. I deserved it. Quinn deserved it. No matter how much it hurts she deserves to be remembered and that is what I did today. I did what was best for her and me and just let myself go and remember.
It is a lot easier to just push the feelings and memories to the side and go on like I am fine. A lot easier. Sometimes though, sometimes, we actually have to face our grief and remind ourselves that is okay. It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to be sad and it is okay to cry! I am not always that great at doing this but today, as much as it sucked, it was good. It was good for me to just remember and even to feel sorry for myself.
Now, tomorrow I will go on and be strong again.
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