I am so excited! My baby has a headstone!!! I am soo soo thankful! I can't wait to see it!! Can't wait! I will be out that way tonight but swore to Steve that I wouldn't stop in to see her until he was with me. Ugh! I guess I will have to wait until Saturday morning when Steve, Ash, and I can all go! I am so excited!!!
Just when things seem so low and out of control there is always something positive to help me through it!
Thank you Quinnie! I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul!
I am so happy that you have a proper marker for all of the world to see!
Pictures to come =)
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Feeling like a crazy person.....
Tuesday was the September Precious Parents meeting. I don’t know if it is the pregnancy hormones or what but I was way more emotional than normal. I just feel….. fucked up. I don't know what other way to put it. I feel fucked up. I have so many different emotions running through me that I don't know how I feel anymore other than just straight fucked up. I am sad and pissed that I do not have my Quinn here with me. She should be with me! I am her mother and she belongs with me and it just fucking sucks that she isn't. Fucking sucks. So, I guess right now I am more pissed than anything else when it comes to that situation.
Then there is the new baby. I am so so very thankful that we have this opportunity to become parents again but at the same time it isn't fair that we have to. Talk about feeling fucked up when you are pissed and thrilled about the very same thing! How do you sort out those feelings? I have no clue! I am excited about this baby and I feel guilty for being excited. I am thrilled that we will (hopefully) have a new baby in our house in a few short months but at the same time I am angry that we will have this baby when we should have Quinn. In all honesty we would not be having this baby if Quinn were here so how in the hell do you separate being happy and excited for new baby but angry and sad that we have to have a new one at all?
I guess this all explains why I feel fucked up! Too many emotions about the same thing to even begin to sort everything out!
I feel slightly out of control.
I don't know what I am feeling anymore.
It is just all too much! I am a giant jumbled mess of emotions and I hate it! Hate it!
So, I guess that is why yesterday I was much more emotional than usual. I guess it is all understandable but it doesn't make it any easier.
I feel like a crazy person.
I am on edge. Steve and I got into a HUGE fight a few weeks ago. The Saturday before the gender reveal. I was crazy. Crazy! That is the only way that I can explain it. I still think that he was in the wrong but by the end I was just crazy. I mean I might as well have put on my wife beater on to look the part since I certainly sounded like trash outside screaming my fool head off. I will also admit that there might have been a beer bottle thrown….. I told you, I was crazy! I didn't however throw it at him. I threw it at the ground, lol. The one good thing about that fight was that it was the first one in a long time that we actually resolved. We actually said our piece, both apologized for being crazy, and we moved on. Normally it is more of a argue until we can't fight anymore then ignore each other until eventually we just forget about it. So I am going to say that even if it was a bit out of control it turned out to be a good thing.
Everything is just hard for me right now.
I am emotionally overwhelmed.
I am mentally overwhelmed.
Besides doing a crappy job at sorting out all of my feelings I am also doing a crappy job at being a wife. Steve and I had a discussion and we both just sort of suck right now at being a couple. We are great parents to Ashlyn and we do a lot of family things with her but there really isn't an 'us' right now. We have done a really good job at ignoring us a couple. I know that part of it is that we have both been dealing with Quinn's diagnosis and death in our own way. Even though we both lost essentially the same thing, a daughter, it is still very personal and different for each of us. We grieve differently but both seem to need to stay busy and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for us. But, we finally admitted that this is a problem and both agreed that we were going to start making us and our marriage a priority. We are going to go on dates and just do things for us and stop taking each other for granted. So, I guess that is where we are at right now. It will all get better…...
Then there is the new baby. I am so so very thankful that we have this opportunity to become parents again but at the same time it isn't fair that we have to. Talk about feeling fucked up when you are pissed and thrilled about the very same thing! How do you sort out those feelings? I have no clue! I am excited about this baby and I feel guilty for being excited. I am thrilled that we will (hopefully) have a new baby in our house in a few short months but at the same time I am angry that we will have this baby when we should have Quinn. In all honesty we would not be having this baby if Quinn were here so how in the hell do you separate being happy and excited for new baby but angry and sad that we have to have a new one at all?
I guess this all explains why I feel fucked up! Too many emotions about the same thing to even begin to sort everything out!
I feel slightly out of control.
I don't know what I am feeling anymore.
It is just all too much! I am a giant jumbled mess of emotions and I hate it! Hate it!
So, I guess that is why yesterday I was much more emotional than usual. I guess it is all understandable but it doesn't make it any easier.
I feel like a crazy person.
I am on edge. Steve and I got into a HUGE fight a few weeks ago. The Saturday before the gender reveal. I was crazy. Crazy! That is the only way that I can explain it. I still think that he was in the wrong but by the end I was just crazy. I mean I might as well have put on my wife beater on to look the part since I certainly sounded like trash outside screaming my fool head off. I will also admit that there might have been a beer bottle thrown….. I told you, I was crazy! I didn't however throw it at him. I threw it at the ground, lol. The one good thing about that fight was that it was the first one in a long time that we actually resolved. We actually said our piece, both apologized for being crazy, and we moved on. Normally it is more of a argue until we can't fight anymore then ignore each other until eventually we just forget about it. So I am going to say that even if it was a bit out of control it turned out to be a good thing.
Everything is just hard for me right now.
I am emotionally overwhelmed.
I am mentally overwhelmed.
Besides doing a crappy job at sorting out all of my feelings I am also doing a crappy job at being a wife. Steve and I had a discussion and we both just sort of suck right now at being a couple. We are great parents to Ashlyn and we do a lot of family things with her but there really isn't an 'us' right now. We have done a really good job at ignoring us a couple. I know that part of it is that we have both been dealing with Quinn's diagnosis and death in our own way. Even though we both lost essentially the same thing, a daughter, it is still very personal and different for each of us. We grieve differently but both seem to need to stay busy and that doesn’t leave a lot of time for us. But, we finally admitted that this is a problem and both agreed that we were going to start making us and our marriage a priority. We are going to go on dates and just do things for us and stop taking each other for granted. So, I guess that is where we are at right now. It will all get better…...
Monday, September 17, 2012
I have entered wallpaper hell!
Had a pretty busy weekend in the Pfeiffer house.
Saturday we got up early to clear out the living room, Ashlyn's room, and what was the play room to get the carpets cleaned.
The play room has now taken over our basement so we can work on Ashlyn's new room. So, we need to make some changes down there to accommodate the 2 year old. *sigh* anyone interested in a solid wood marble top bar that is in perfect condition? So sad to get rid of it but we could use the space.. and the money... so... I plan to post on craigslist here in the next week or so. Boo.
After the carpets were all cleaned Steve, Ash, and I headed to Ace to get some supplies to start stripping wallpaper and for me to re-finish what will be Ashlyn's new dresser. Right now it is a terrible orange stain color but it is going to be a pale purple with a fun Martha Stewart stencil on the front of the drawers. I am super excited to see how it turns out!
Once we dropped off our supplies Ash and I went to pickup Kesh and Bella to go to lunch and see Finding Nemo 3D.
This is the before shot.... we will see how long it takes to get to the after.... by the way it is going, it might be done by the time that Ashlyn graduates college!
Saturday we got up early to clear out the living room, Ashlyn's room, and what was the play room to get the carpets cleaned.
The play room has now taken over our basement so we can work on Ashlyn's new room. So, we need to make some changes down there to accommodate the 2 year old. *sigh* anyone interested in a solid wood marble top bar that is in perfect condition? So sad to get rid of it but we could use the space.. and the money... so... I plan to post on craigslist here in the next week or so. Boo.
After the carpets were all cleaned Steve, Ash, and I headed to Ace to get some supplies to start stripping wallpaper and for me to re-finish what will be Ashlyn's new dresser. Right now it is a terrible orange stain color but it is going to be a pale purple with a fun Martha Stewart stencil on the front of the drawers. I am super excited to see how it turns out!
Once we dropped off our supplies Ash and I went to pickup Kesh and Bella to go to lunch and see Finding Nemo 3D.
This is pre-movie. Please ignore the glistening around the mouth. We might have gotten a little overzealous with Bella's lip gloss! Seriously, by the end of the day it was all over both of their faces, nails, legs... apparently now it is called "entire body gloss".
Nemo in 3D is pretty fantastic. I love the movie anyway but it was really neat in 3D. Highly recommended! Ashlyn apparently wasn't all the impressed because she chose to sleep through most of the movie. Oh well, made it less stressful for me =)
Sunday I decided to start stripping the wallpaper in Ashlyn's new big girl room. Ugh! I have now entered wallpaper Hell! Seriously! I worked on it for probably 6 hours yesterday and I do not have a single wall done! Kill me now! Seriously!
I did have some pretty cute help though...
This is the before shot.... we will see how long it takes to get to the after.... by the way it is going, it might be done by the time that Ashlyn graduates college!
Monday, September 10, 2012
It's a........
Eeeekkk! I am SO excited!
The box that my mom might have went a tad crazy with, lol! It turned out great and a whole lot better than if I would have done it!!!
PINK!!! I will admit that I did see a peak right before they came out of the box and that squeal you hear on the video would be that moment, lol! It's a girl!! Eeeekkk!
The family - as complete as we can ever be....
2 pink for me, a blue for Steve, and a pink for Ash. It really looks white, freakishly white really but I swear it was a pale pink color!
It's a girl!!!!!
Our bank account is in trouble!! Not even 12 hours had went by before I made my first Target run! Can you tell that I am slightly excited to get to buy for my healthy baby girl??
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Healthy!!!
Baby is PERFECT! ABSOLUTELY PERFECT!!!
A million pounds has been lifted off my shoulders! Finally, I can breath easily, we are having a healthy baby!!! HEALTHY! The most beautiful word that this mom can hear!!!
This morning was…. stressfull to put it lightly. I actually slept okay which I was quite surprised but thankful for. As soon as I woke up though the thoughts were just running through my mind. I was in short, terrified.
I hate to be late, even though I usually am, but I REALLY do not like to be late if I am already stressed about something. Of course we left slightly later than I wanted but we made it there right at 9.
Got checked in and Steve made a comment about it being weird to be there and knowing that he (Dr Stewart) normally deals with multiples. I might have said something to the effect of…"it is weird to be here because this is where they tell you that your baby is going to die"… might have. At that point I had to tell him to stop talking to me because I was going to loose it. Yeah, I am not dramatic at all!
Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long and the tech came out to get us. Just like with Quinn, open door to the left. Very same room that my world came crashing down just over a year ago. *sigh*
The tech was wonderful. She was the very same tech that we had with Quinn. She said that she remembered doing our scan last time and though she isn't supposed to tell us anything, everything was looking perfect.
This is the point that I start to cry.
Happy happy tears!!
She made it through the scan and then it was time to venture down lower to see the gender. She turned the screen on us so I had no chance of peeking at all. Baby was VERY stubborn and did not want to show the goods at all! Neither did Ashlyn. I have very modest babies!! After rolling from side to side to back to side to the other side, right about the time that I thought that she was going to give up and we were going to be releasing yellow and green balloons, she said she got it! Phew!! She was a trooper and tried for a long time! It might have been the fact that I said I couldn't have two babies that I didn't get to buy for or that I didn't have a neutral nursery picked out so I had to know, lol!
What!?!?
Like I said, I am not dramatic AT ALL!
After all that Dr Stewart came in and said how happy he was that he got to do this scan in different circumstances and that the baby looked great. He then went through every little piece and part. Brain is formed and looking just as it should, the fluid around the brain is as it should be, hands, fingers and toes are all perfect! 4 chambers of the heart, no holes in the lips therefore no cleft, stomach is there just as it should be, everything, EVERYTHING looks perfect! Then he gave me a very big hug! I guess he is no longer my least favorite person on Earth.
Baby is measuring right on schedule - well one day ahead, quite the over achiever, and 11 ounces! Only about 12 more pounds to go, lol!
So, I feel like a new person! The worry, well most of the worry, is gone and I can start planning on having this baby and actually bringing them home in 20ish weeks! Eeekkkkk!!!
I am super anxious to know if Bee is a boy or a girl but just knowing that regardless of which, they are healthy is enough for me, for now! But that doesn't mean that I am not counting down the seconds until Sunday at 12:30! Seriously people, do not be late! That box will be ripped open at exactly 12:30!! =)
Now, your last chance for guessing! At yesterday's appointment the heart rate was 168 and this morning was 153. You have seen that I am carrying slightly higher and if you must know I do not think that my butt has changed at all… but I don't think it changed with either of the girls either!
A million pounds has been lifted off my shoulders! Finally, I can breath easily, we are having a healthy baby!!! HEALTHY! The most beautiful word that this mom can hear!!!
This morning was…. stressfull to put it lightly. I actually slept okay which I was quite surprised but thankful for. As soon as I woke up though the thoughts were just running through my mind. I was in short, terrified.
I hate to be late, even though I usually am, but I REALLY do not like to be late if I am already stressed about something. Of course we left slightly later than I wanted but we made it there right at 9.
Got checked in and Steve made a comment about it being weird to be there and knowing that he (Dr Stewart) normally deals with multiples. I might have said something to the effect of…"it is weird to be here because this is where they tell you that your baby is going to die"… might have. At that point I had to tell him to stop talking to me because I was going to loose it. Yeah, I am not dramatic at all!
Thankfully we didn't have to wait too long and the tech came out to get us. Just like with Quinn, open door to the left. Very same room that my world came crashing down just over a year ago. *sigh*
The tech was wonderful. She was the very same tech that we had with Quinn. She said that she remembered doing our scan last time and though she isn't supposed to tell us anything, everything was looking perfect.
This is the point that I start to cry.
Happy happy tears!!
She made it through the scan and then it was time to venture down lower to see the gender. She turned the screen on us so I had no chance of peeking at all. Baby was VERY stubborn and did not want to show the goods at all! Neither did Ashlyn. I have very modest babies!! After rolling from side to side to back to side to the other side, right about the time that I thought that she was going to give up and we were going to be releasing yellow and green balloons, she said she got it! Phew!! She was a trooper and tried for a long time! It might have been the fact that I said I couldn't have two babies that I didn't get to buy for or that I didn't have a neutral nursery picked out so I had to know, lol!
What!?!?
Like I said, I am not dramatic AT ALL!
After all that Dr Stewart came in and said how happy he was that he got to do this scan in different circumstances and that the baby looked great. He then went through every little piece and part. Brain is formed and looking just as it should, the fluid around the brain is as it should be, hands, fingers and toes are all perfect! 4 chambers of the heart, no holes in the lips therefore no cleft, stomach is there just as it should be, everything, EVERYTHING looks perfect! Then he gave me a very big hug! I guess he is no longer my least favorite person on Earth.
Baby is measuring right on schedule - well one day ahead, quite the over achiever, and 11 ounces! Only about 12 more pounds to go, lol!
So, I feel like a new person! The worry, well most of the worry, is gone and I can start planning on having this baby and actually bringing them home in 20ish weeks! Eeekkkkk!!!
I am super anxious to know if Bee is a boy or a girl but just knowing that regardless of which, they are healthy is enough for me, for now! But that doesn't mean that I am not counting down the seconds until Sunday at 12:30! Seriously people, do not be late! That box will be ripped open at exactly 12:30!! =)
Now, your last chance for guessing! At yesterday's appointment the heart rate was 168 and this morning was 153. You have seen that I am carrying slightly higher and if you must know I do not think that my butt has changed at all… but I don't think it changed with either of the girls either!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Names
Names. Have we discussed names?
Our boy name we have had picked out since before we had Ashlyn. Now, with every pregnancy I tend to freak out about it and start searching high and low for other boy names but always come back to this same one.
Casey Andrew.
We actually started with Casey John. Which is Steve's middle name. And his brother's middle name. And his dad's name, both grandpas…. Lots of Johns. Then Steve decided that he doesn't really like John so it was out. Steve always liked Andrew but I don't. Not as a first name. I am okay with the full name, Andrew, but I do not like Andy or Drew at all so it was out for a first name choice.
Now for the girl. A while before we got pregnant I was watching The Voice, with my boyfriend Adam, have I mentioned my love for Adam Levine before? It is true love! Anyway…..
I was watching my boyfriend and there was a girl that came on named Adlee.
I loved it.
The day that we found out that I was pregnant I was looking up names and the very first name that I pulled up was Adlee, with that spelling and at the bottom it said that if you like this name you might also like Quinn. Well, I was sold. I mean basically Quinn was telling me that was the girl name we were supposed to use. I did go back and forth for a while on spelling, Adlee, Adley, Adleigh… but ultimately came back to Quinn's spelling. Now, the problem is in the middle name. We just can not agree! Can't! Neither of us will give up our choice. So, what is your vote?
Adlee Elizabeth
Or
Adlee Mae
Yes, I know, they are both pretty, but….... One is better, lol!
We like the old fashion type of name with our other girls being Grace and Elise. So, what is your choice? Maybe Bee is a boy and it won't matter, but just incase…....
If this is a girl we might have to fight to the death because we just both won't give! So vote your choice…. But make sure you vote for mine! =)
Our boy name we have had picked out since before we had Ashlyn. Now, with every pregnancy I tend to freak out about it and start searching high and low for other boy names but always come back to this same one.
Casey Andrew.
We actually started with Casey John. Which is Steve's middle name. And his brother's middle name. And his dad's name, both grandpas…. Lots of Johns. Then Steve decided that he doesn't really like John so it was out. Steve always liked Andrew but I don't. Not as a first name. I am okay with the full name, Andrew, but I do not like Andy or Drew at all so it was out for a first name choice.
Now for the girl. A while before we got pregnant I was watching The Voice, with my boyfriend Adam, have I mentioned my love for Adam Levine before? It is true love! Anyway…..
I was watching my boyfriend and there was a girl that came on named Adlee.
I loved it.
The day that we found out that I was pregnant I was looking up names and the very first name that I pulled up was Adlee, with that spelling and at the bottom it said that if you like this name you might also like Quinn. Well, I was sold. I mean basically Quinn was telling me that was the girl name we were supposed to use. I did go back and forth for a while on spelling, Adlee, Adley, Adleigh… but ultimately came back to Quinn's spelling. Now, the problem is in the middle name. We just can not agree! Can't! Neither of us will give up our choice. So, what is your vote?
Adlee Elizabeth
Or
Adlee Mae
Yes, I know, they are both pretty, but….... One is better, lol!
We like the old fashion type of name with our other girls being Grace and Elise. So, what is your choice? Maybe Bee is a boy and it won't matter, but just incase…....
If this is a girl we might have to fight to the death because we just both won't give! So vote your choice…. But make sure you vote for mine! =)
Busy Buys Bee
Bee has a very busy week this week! Today is my normal midwife appointment. Today it is with Laura so I am a bit anxious. Laura is the midwife who delivered Quinn and I haven't seen her since that day. I am excited to see her because she is fabulous but then a little nervous too. I am also anxious to find out what the heart rate is. You know, that old wives tale that high is a girl, low is a boy. Quinn was actually always rather low, well compared to Ashlyn that is. Ashlyn was always in the 160s and Quinn tended to be low 150s.
Only about 3.5 days until we will know! Eeekkkk!!! Right now I am VERY anxious for our 20 week ultrasound tomorrow. thank God it is first thing in the morning. I am so freaking nervous! For one, the ultrasound is with Dr Stewart who is the same doctor that told us of Quinn's condition. I am scared. I am looking forward to seeing my Bee but at the same time I am dreading it. I am so nervous that there could be something wrong! Ugh! We have not yet had a real ultrasound so I haven't had a chance to see this baby at all really. I have no idea what is going on in there. The first ultrasound was so early that there was barely the flutter of a heartbeat. The second ultrasound was just a quick one to see the heartbeat since Dr Douche (love you Emily) couldn’t find it with the doppler. I didn't get to see anything other than there was a baby and yes, there was a heartbeat. So, this will be the first time that I will actually get to really get a look at my baby. I just pray that all of the pieces and parts are there and that everything looks just as it should! I am so anxious to know for sure that Bee is healthy and happy in there and I get to plan on keeping him or her forever!
Him or Her? So, what do you think? I still don't know. I just don't know. I have all along hoped that we were having another girl and I will admit that I still do. I am very much okay with us having a boy too, though. Really, I am. The thought is growing on me and I know that as long as they are healthy I will happy! Whether it is a boy or a girl I can tell you that they are an active little Bee! I never felt Ashlyn or Quinn until after 20 weeks but this one I have been feeling for a while. I just didn't admit it right away. I have this crazy thing that I am afraid to admit that I am feeling them because what if I go to the doctor and they tell me that they aren't there? Then I am crazy because I thought I was feeling them…. Yeah, I know, I have problems, I know this! I am going to go ahead and admit that I am indeed feeling this little Bee though and it makes me smile every time I feel that little pop!
So, that is it. Busy week with appointments and then getting ready for the party on Sunday. I. can't. wait. I would love to just cheat and have the tech tell Steve and I tomorrow but I won't. I think it will be so much fun to have the excitement of finding out surrounded with our friends and family and especially with Ashlyn there! She is going to be such an amazing big sister to Bee just as she is to Quinn!
Only about 3.5 days until we will know! Eeekkkk!!! Right now I am VERY anxious for our 20 week ultrasound tomorrow. thank God it is first thing in the morning. I am so freaking nervous! For one, the ultrasound is with Dr Stewart who is the same doctor that told us of Quinn's condition. I am scared. I am looking forward to seeing my Bee but at the same time I am dreading it. I am so nervous that there could be something wrong! Ugh! We have not yet had a real ultrasound so I haven't had a chance to see this baby at all really. I have no idea what is going on in there. The first ultrasound was so early that there was barely the flutter of a heartbeat. The second ultrasound was just a quick one to see the heartbeat since Dr Douche (love you Emily) couldn’t find it with the doppler. I didn't get to see anything other than there was a baby and yes, there was a heartbeat. So, this will be the first time that I will actually get to really get a look at my baby. I just pray that all of the pieces and parts are there and that everything looks just as it should! I am so anxious to know for sure that Bee is healthy and happy in there and I get to plan on keeping him or her forever!
Him or Her? So, what do you think? I still don't know. I just don't know. I have all along hoped that we were having another girl and I will admit that I still do. I am very much okay with us having a boy too, though. Really, I am. The thought is growing on me and I know that as long as they are healthy I will happy! Whether it is a boy or a girl I can tell you that they are an active little Bee! I never felt Ashlyn or Quinn until after 20 weeks but this one I have been feeling for a while. I just didn't admit it right away. I have this crazy thing that I am afraid to admit that I am feeling them because what if I go to the doctor and they tell me that they aren't there? Then I am crazy because I thought I was feeling them…. Yeah, I know, I have problems, I know this! I am going to go ahead and admit that I am indeed feeling this little Bee though and it makes me smile every time I feel that little pop!
So, that is it. Busy week with appointments and then getting ready for the party on Sunday. I. can't. wait. I would love to just cheat and have the tech tell Steve and I tomorrow but I won't. I think it will be so much fun to have the excitement of finding out surrounded with our friends and family and especially with Ashlyn there! She is going to be such an amazing big sister to Bee just as she is to Quinn!
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