8 months ago

Today is the 2nd.

8 months ago my daughter died…….

8 months.

Wow, I don't know how it has been that long already!

8 months of kisses and snuggles I have missed out on.

I miss my Bean every day but the 2nd is just one of those days that I miss her that much more. It is a knife in my heart that I have went another month without getting to hold my little girl. Another reminder of everything that is missing in my life… as if I need another reminder. EVERYTHING reminds me of Quinn. A butterfly, the clouds…. yes the clouds. Is that weird?

Instead of getting to pose Quinney for her 8 month picture and compare them too all of the other monthly pictures and see how she has grown, I only get to look at the few pictures I am blessed to have from her 4 days here with me.

8 months old…. What would she be doing? Crawling? Cruising? Probably not because of the Trisomy but what if she were healthy from the start. Oh the fun we would be having! She could be chasing her big sister around the house and pulling Frankie's tail… when she could catch him, that little pup is fast!
It just breaks my heart to think of all of the things that we are missing out on. All of us, not just me.

8 months of missing my baby and a lifetime to go……..

Missing those sleepless nights

I am tired today. Ash didn't want to go to sleep last night and it took me until around 10 to actually get her down. Steve wasn't home and she kept asking, "Daddy home?". I told her that he would come in and check on her when he got home but she would be sleeping. Finally she calmed down and fell asleep. Of course then I stayed up too late watching the Olympics.
I can.not.believe. that Michael Phelps took silver! I was so sure he had it and then to lose it in that last what tenth of a second, ugh, heartbreaking! It is clear that he didn't train like he should have and just doesn’t have that spark this year. So disappointed!
Since I stayed up late watching him take silver and the girls Gymnastics take Gold, I wasn't thrilled when Ashlyn woke up at 4:30 calling for me. I went down to check on her and she said "I pee". Yep, sure did, right through her size 5 diaper. I even got her the bigger size for this very problem but apparently it didn't help. Ugh! New rule in our house, one cup of milk before bed! It is not uncommon for her to have at least 2 so….. Now I have to be mean mom and it is one and done! Her bed was wet too so after I changed her I decided to just let her come up to bed with Steve and I, aka I was too lazy to change sheets. I should have known better because of course she wouldn't just go to sleep. She had to keep talking to me and then Frankie was annoying her and I got maybe another 20 minutes of sleep for the rest of the night. Hence my being a tired momma today.
I figured that Ashlyn would at least stay asleep upstairs with Steve while I got ready but I was wrong there too. When I got up she wanted to get up with me to have her "coppee". This weekend I made her a cup of tea for her to have while I have my morning coffee, don't worry, it is de-caf, hers not mine… judge away people, judge away! Now she is hooked. For one, it is so cool because I let her make it in the Keurig so she loves getting to push the button but then it is also just cool to be like mommy and have her coppee in the morning! So instead of me getting ready on my own I have a little shadow following me asking for coppee. I finally got her to go upstairs and have Daddy help her play her Monkey Preschool game on the Nook to get her out of my hair for a minute.
While she went upstairs I was thinking of how tired I was and it got me thinking of what it will be like when Bee arrives. Of course that then got me thinking of all of the sleepless nights that I missed with Quinn. I never got to get up with her and snuggle her in the middle of the night. I never got to be so sleep deprived that I didn't even know what my name was. I miss my Quinn and I can't wait for all of the sleepless nights that I have in my future with my Bee! I promise, no complaining here when I have went 27 hours with only 2 hours of sleep! I will be thankful for each and every sleep deprived moment just so long as I can spend every one of them snuggling my babies!

New look

Thought it was time to change things up a bit around here!  Everything else is changing, why not the look too =)

A little eye candy

for no other reason than she is to beautiful to not share!  Love this girl!!!

These were taken yesterday at Ashlyn's little friend, Kara's 2nd birthday party!  Kara was even nice enough to let Ash take a little ride on her new toy! 

We had a great weekend!  I LOVE the Olympics!  Love them!  So that took up a lot of our weekend.  Just relaxing and watching Team USA!  Ashlyn would even cheer here and there, in between begging that we please stop watching this boring crap on TV and start watching something good, namely Mee-Cee (Mickey).  Seriously, this child is obsessed with Mickey!  She wakes up asking for it.  Although, this morning she woke up asking for a back rub, apparently she has been hanging out with Daddy for too long! 

Hope you enjoyed the pictures!

July 20th.... a year later

**I wrote this Friday morning but never got around to posting**

I am sitting here thinking of where I was a year ago. Life was so very different. I was 20 weeks 2 days pregnant and getting ready to leave for our big ultrasound. The party was planned, the cake ordered, the food was in the fridge, just waiting to be cooked for our big gender reveal party. We headed to the u/s and while I was maybe slightly nervous that the baby could have Down Syndrome because of our NT Scan, I was more excited that anything else!
Steve and I sat in the waiting room and I remember a news story coming on of a family whose car was swept into a river or creek and the entire family other than the father died. Steve and I talked about how horrible that would be and how you would wish to die as well. I felt for that man thinking here we are, our family in tact and happy and he is out there devastated wishing he had died too. Little did I know that my whole world would come crashing down around me just moments later!

Six little worlds…… "I am seeing genetic defects here……..." Six words that changed the course of our lives forever! The words hanging in the air, my brain not completely able to comprehend the full impact that they would have on my life…. I am seeing genetic defects here……

A year later and I still can't fully comprehend it or maybe I just don't want to. I know that Quinn was here. I know that I felt her warmth in my arms. I heard her little squeaks and her wonderful cat like cries but I still can't believe that it all happened. Sometimes I still expect to wake up pregnant with her and ready to leave for that u/s and hear the news that we were supposed to hear! That we were having a healthy baby and would find out the gender later that evening surrounded by our family and friends! I just want to wake up from this nightmare! But, I won't wake up. This nightmare is my life and I am a mommy with out her baby

*****

A year later and our story goes on even without Quinn here. We have no choice but to pick up and move on as much as we might not want to. Here I am pregnant again and thankfully this time our baby is healthy!!!! As far as Trisomy is concerned that is. Anything could still happen and I still fear all of those other things, but we do know that this baby does not have a form of Trisomy. Dr Stewart called last night and told us that our test results came back normal! A huge relief washed over me when he said those words. I feel better but I still have a lot of fear of all of the other things that can go wrong but I do feel like I have relaxed a bit. Now, we wait until our 20 week ultrasound so we can see that he or she is looking nice and healthy and I will feel MUCH better! Only one month and 2 weeks to go =)

It is crazy to think how different things are a year later. A year later I am a different person. So different.

I love you Quinn! Always!

And to you little Bee, I love you, too, and can't wait to meet you!

Anxiously Waiting

Things are going pretty well. Not much to report from the Pfeiffer household.
We are still waiting on the results from my blood draw. I am getting a little anxious. I know, I know, they said 7 to 10 days and technically today is only day 8 (if I give them the extra day for having to ship the blood to the lab). I am really trying to not be an anxious crazy person but… no one has ever accused me of being a patient person. I'm not. I am actually quite psychotic about it. I hate waiting! Hate it! But, there is nothing I can do but twiddle my thumbs and stare at my phone willing it to ring! I am just really hoping that they do not have to go to the second vile of blood and we get results in the next day or so and do not have to wait an additional 7 to 10 days!

Come on Dr Stewart, you can call with good news anytime now!

I get butterflies just thinking about seeing that phone number coming up on my phone…. I know that I will be on the verge of a panic attack upon answering it. How can I not be. I just keep praying pleading that everything is okay in there and baby number 3 is happy and healthy!!
If you get a chance and can say a quick prayer for baby and my patience / nerves it would be much appreciated! Oh and maybe one for daddy too… seems he has a terrible case of food poisoning. Yuck! Really hoping that he is better fast, we are planning a camping trip for this weekend!

Guess What...

So, I am not going full out public yet, or should I say I am not going out of facebook, but for those who still follow us, in the few and far between posts, here is the big announcement.

I am happy!

Thrilled!

Terrified!

Monday we had a new test done called Materni T21. This is a DNA based test in which the baby's DNA is extracted from my blood and tested for any extra chromosomal material floating around in there. In all honesty, I am not really afraid that this baby has Trisomy.

I'm not!
Really!

I know that the chances of that are EXTREMELY slim. What happened with Quinn was a freak thing. It wasn't genetic, we didn't pass it on, it is just something that happened. I am not afraid that this baby also has it but I am afraid of EVERYTHING else. Miscarriage, late-term miscarriage, pre-term labor, ruptured uterus, you name it and I have thought about it. I am just so afraid that anything could happen to rip this little being out of my arms. I am no longer that naïve happy pregnant person who delusionally thinks that every pregnant lady goes home with a baby. They don't. Hard truth is, babies die. They die every day and bewildered broken hearted parents go home empty handed. This hard knowledge jades you. Eleven weeks and 3 days into this pregnancy I am still afraid to get too excited about it. Anything could happen to take this dream, this baby, away from me and damn it, I am scared to get too attached. Of course I am attached, this is my baby, my rainbow, but I don't know how yet to give all my heart because I can't live through it again. Watching my beautiful daughter take her last breaths and turn blue in my arms was the most beautiful and horrific thing I could ever endure and I. cannot. do. it. again. Can't. So, I am scared and I think I have a right to be.

The test that we had done is 99.8% effective in finding cases of Trisomy with an extremely low false positive. I should have results in 2 weeks or so. Two long torturous weeks! Like I said, I do not believe that this baby has Trisomy but I still need to hear it! Then I might calm a bit but until the 20 week ultrasound where we can take a look at every single little part of my little guy or girl in there I won't fully be comfortable. Even then I am sure I will be on edge because I have heard so many of the horror stories but I am hopeful that I will not be a complete basket case like now.

I am REALLY trying to relax and enjoy this pregnancy but the fear just slips its way in there. I find myself pleading with God to please please please let my baby be healthy. Let me bring home this baby and watch him / her grow up and let Ashlyn have a living sibling. I plead and plead!
I know that I haven't been posting much. This is sort of my therapy and when I couldn’t talk about my real issues, the new baby and the fears, I didn't really see a need to blog. I wasn't ready to tell the world yet. I couldn't let the world know and then have something happen. I still have this fear that as soon as more people know something will happen and I will have to tell everyone the horrible news. I know, crazy person right here! I can't help it. Go through something as traumatic and horrible as your daughter dying and you become slightly pessimistic. I don't want to be but….

So, this blog may take on a little bit of a change. I will still always talk about Quinn, I have in no way moved on from her death. It will never happen. Sure I will wade my way through this new world but I will never be far from the pain. Under the smile there are tears and that is just a part of life now. Until the day I see my Quinn again there will always be a gaping hole in my heart and no one will EVER fill it. However, I do feel slightly more stable in this new place. The sharp piercing stabs of pain are few and farther and more a dull ache now. So, the blog will likely turn some and concentrate a bit on the pregnancy, Ashlyn growing up, and our life in general. I won't change the name of the blog because no matter where we go in life, it is still Quinn's story. She is a part of me, of us, and our story is her story even if she isn't here. This little being that I have in my belly now is Quinn's little brother or sister and they, and Ashlyn, will always know their sister! I want them to know her strength and love and always know that they have an angel looking over them. As long as my Quinn is remembered she is never gone and I want to make sure that she is always remembered!