Friday, December 23, 2011

I have been trying for days to write about Quinn's funeral and for some reason I just can't.  I guess all I need to write is that it was a beautiful service.  It was uplifting and joyous.  We celebrated Quinn's life.   Yes, her life was way too short but it was meaningful and full of more love than most long lives and that is something to celebrate.  While it was a celebration it was also the 2nd hardest day of my life.  Getting out of bed to face the day you will watch your baby be buried is not an easy thing to do.  Walking into the funeral home knowing that it would be the last time that I would get to see and kiss my angle was excruciating.  Saying goodbye and knowing that I would never again be able to kiss her or rub my lips on her hair was harder than I could ever put into words. 

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve.  I have tried to get into the Christmas spirit but I just can't.  I have shopped, decorated, wrapped gifts, even did crafts with the kids and yet I still just can't get into it.  No matter how many times I listen to Michael Buble's Christmas CD I just don't have it in me this year.  Of course I will go out of my way to celebrate and make it special for Ashlyn but my heart just isn't in it.  My heart isn't in it because half of it is missing.  From the day that we found out that I was pregnant we looked forward to Christmas, knowing that we would be a family of 4.   We imagined going to visit family with our beautiful squishy little new born baby.  Even after we found out about Quinn's diagnosis of Trisomy 13 I still imagined spending a large portion of the day in the NICU with my Bean because she couldn't dare be alone on Christmas.  Up until the moment that she died I thought that we would still be a family of 4 at Christmas.  Of course she might not be able to be home with us but she would be alive and getting stronger every day.  Instead, it is just my grief that is getting stronger every day. 

I don't yet know how to live with out my Quinn-Bean.  I don't know if I will ever fully know how.  I don't know if my heart will ever feel whole again.  So much of me hurts that I don't know how I still function.  I am managing but mostly I feel like I am in a fog.  I go through the motions but I am never fully present, part of me is always with Quinn.  There hasn't been one day that has gone by that I haven't cried. 

Thank you for the continued prayers, Please pray for peace for us. 


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