How another mother who lost a child feels: "This life, this world, doesn’t seem to fit me anymore. I can’t believe I look remotely normal when I walk down the street or drive in my car, because I feel so “off”-- so stricken-- with a new reality that I consider completely, utterly, unacceptable."
I saw this on a friends facebook page and it is so fitting. This is exactly how I feel. After loosing Quinn I feel as if I have started a new life. Not a new chapter but a new life all together. Things do not seem the same. I do not feel the same. I am a new person. I am a person who has lost a daughter and therefore have lost a huge chunk of myself. I am no longer whole and I never will be again. There will forever be a part of me that is missing and it is unfathomable to me that other people can't see that when they look at me. I don't know how I can look like the same person when I feel so incredibly different.
I am at a loss on how to go back to living like a 'normal' person again. Right now I am still off work and living in this alternate reality where I am a stay at home mom. Now when I have break downs in the middle of the day it is okay because there is no one here to see me. That will not be the case when I have to go back to work. Everything else in life is the same but I am so very different.
At times I feel like people will expect this pain to just go away. I only had her in my arms for 4 days and she didn't get to come home with me so life should just go on like normal right... that is so not the case. This is a pain that I will never be able to get over. It isn't possible to recover from a pain as deep as this. They say that time heals all wounds and I am sure that with time the pain will dull but it will never stop and I will never again be the person that I once was. The reality of it is, that every day that I am here living this life, is one more day that I am not with my Quinn.
I am mom to three beautiful daughters, Ashlyn Grace, Quinn Elise, and Adley Mae.
Quinney was diagnosed with Trisomy 13 at 20 weeks gestation. Quinn was born on November 28, 2011 and passed away in my arms on December 2nd. We may have only held her in our arms for 4 days but we will hold her in our hearts forever!
This is me processing my loss while raising our girls that are here with us.
Be careful, it may get a little messy!