Monday, December 26, 2011

A new life

How another mother who lost a child feels: "This life, this world, doesn’t seem to fit me anymore. I can’t believe I look remotely normal when I walk down the street or drive in my car, because I feel so “off”-- so stricken-- with a new reality that I consider completely, utterly, unacceptable."
I saw this on a friends facebook page and it is so fitting.  This is exactly how I feel.  After loosing Quinn I feel as if I have started a new life.  Not a new chapter but a new life all together.  Things do not seem the same.  I do not feel the same.  I am a new person.  I am a person who has lost a daughter and therefore have lost a huge chunk of myself.  I am no longer whole and I never will be again.  There will forever be a part of me that is missing and it is unfathomable to me that other people can't see that when they look at me.  I don't know how I can look like the same person when I feel so incredibly different.  
I am at a loss on how to go back to living like a 'normal' person again.  Right now I am still off work and living in this alternate reality where I am a stay at home mom.  Now when I have break downs in the middle of the day it is okay because there is no one here to see me.  That will not be the case when I have to go back to work.  Everything else in life is the same but I am so very different. 
At times I feel like people will expect this pain to just go away.  I only had her in my arms for 4 days and she didn't get to come home with me so life should just go on like normal right... that is so not the case.  This is a pain that I will never be able to get over.  It isn't possible to recover from a pain as deep as this.  They say that time heals all wounds and I am sure that with time the pain will dull but it will never stop and I will never again be the person that I once was.   The reality of it is, that every day that I am here living this life, is one more day that I am not with my Quinn. 


Anonymous said...
This is the most recent post of a blog friend who lost his daughter a few weeks ago. I think that the advice he mentioned at the end is so good. Anyone who expects you to get over it or even past it has never suffered such a loss. God bless.

mbehm said...

The pain won't go away. You will just learn to live with it. It is our "new normal."
I think this quote sums it up best:
"I realize that sometimes the reason I feel so strange is that part of my heart is not here anymore. I gave it to (Quinn) and she took it with her."
Gregory Floyd- A Grief Unveiled (with my substitutions)

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