Today, on the day that my Quinn-Bean should be turning one month old, we were blessed with Quinney's baby cousin. My nephew, Brycen Christopher Taylor, was born today at 10:35 am. He was 8 pounds and 22 inches long. We are pretty sure that at least 2 inches of that is his cone head =) Brycen is adorable and looks just like his daddy, which means he pretty much looks just like me. This also means that there is another child here now that I love more than life itself. I am so blessed to have 3 beautiful nieces and now 3 very handsome nephews and I love each of them so very much!
I can honestly tell you that holding Brycen was not hard for me. Not one bit! I am thrilled to welcome the little man into the world. I was so excited when my sister-in-law called me at 6am to tell me that Brycen would be born today. I really wanted him and Quinn to share the 28th as a birthday. It doesn't hurt that I also share in that as well as my birthday is September 28th! All truly awesome people are born on the 28th! I think that this is a special gift from Quinney that I not be sad today. I didn't have to sit and think of what I was doing exactly a month ago today because I was too busy celebrating a new life in Brycen.
Now I can tell you that holding Brycen isn't hard, but am I jealous? Hell yeah I am. I am jealous that I didn't get to be moved to a recovery room and have all of my family come in and meet my beautiful baby. Instead I got moved to some section that had Moms on bed rest so that I wasn't near all of the other babies who got to be with their mom's. Instead of walking my baby up and down the hall I got to leave the hospital on pass to head over to the NICU to see her as she fought for her life. I didn't get to wake up every two hours to feed her, I got to wake up to call over to the NICU to see how she was doing. (Speaking of which, the NICU number is still in my favorites on my phone and for some reason I can't bring myself to delete it....) I am jealous that I won't get to see my beautiful daughter's first smile or get to clap as she rolls over for the first time because there won't be a first time. There are no more firsts for my Quinn, there is only memories. Four short days worth of memories. I don't get a lifetime to cherish and sucks.
I am glad that I can look at my nephew and feel real joy and celebrate him but I wish to God that I could do the same with my Quinn. I want her back so bad! I feel like as time passes it only hurts more. I thought time was supposed to heal all wounds? Yeah, someone lied about that one! Maybe it is that the shock has worn off and the craziness of the holidays is over so now the real pain can settle in. I am not sure but I can tell you that it sucks! It truly effing sucks!
Welcome to the world Baby Brycen. I love you!
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Congratulations Auntie!
The worst for me was about 2- 2 1/2 months after delivery. I felt like I was sitting at the bottom of a dark well, looking up at a glimmer of light where I could hear everyone else. It was so isolating. But then I started to have a good day here or there and eventually there would be a few good days in a row, and a little while after that I started to feel like myself again. (Well, my new normal self.) But it was really really rough there for a while.
The first year was filled with milestones and "what shouldda been" moments, but the second year really got easier. I still get sad and I still miss Jude, but it's just easier to deal with. I often found myself repeating, "Today is what it is, not what was 'supposed to be.' "
And I also found that the anticipation of a milestone was always worse than the actual day.
xoxo, MO
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