I have somehow become addicted to reading other people's depressing blogs. Misery enjoys company? Maybe. I think it is more that I am reading a different perspective to the same loss. Every one grieves differently but it is comforting to know that other people, who have also lost their child, are feeling some of the same things that I am feeling. I guess it is really just a way to prove that I am not going crazy and that what I am feeling is 'normal'.
I have been reading a blog written by a mother who lost her 12 year old son. On a rainy afternoon he was playing with friends and in a senseless accident he was swept away in a creek. It was a tragic accident and she is now left putting the pieces of her life back together.
While reading I came across this:
Many of you watching the AMA’s with us probably gasped when The Band Perry played, “If I Die Young.” Ouch. That was a hard one, but much harder still for me was “Good Life” by One Republic. All I could think when they sang, “It’s gonna be a good life…” was, "Really? I thought so too, but now I’m not so sure.”
(Her, her husband, and her 10 year old daughter were treated to a trip to the AMA's and even got to meet Justin Bieber!)
It is funny to me that these two songs are the songs that she mentioned. Before Quinn was born I would listen to "If I die Young" and think of her and how I would be able to handle her dying. Of course you can't ever prepare yourself for the loss of a child but when I would hear this song I would wonder...
Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
ain't even grey, but she buries her baby
...always stuck with me. Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby.... this isn't entirely true, I do have a bit of grey (more now), but at only 32 I certainly didn't ever imagine that I would be burying my baby. How could I? Now that Quinn is gone this song resonates even more with me. Not for the obvious but for the line "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother". The song that was playing when we said our last goodbye's to Quinney, just before we had them close the casket, was Somewhere Over the Rainbow (the pianist was playing the song, but this is my favorite version). Whenever I see a rainbow I will forever think of my Quinn. I will stand under her colors and know that she is safe and is looking down on me.
"Good life" by One Republic, ha, it makes me laugh (almost) that someone else in this situation could also relate this song to such a loss. It makes no sense. The song is about a band jumping from place to place and how they have it good so how can they complain. They wake up in London and then go from Paris to China to Colorado.....
I laugh because Steve also relates this song to Quinn and I have also told him that it makes no sense. Before Quinn died it was a good song that made him think that she would live and that it would be a "Good Life". Now that she is gone it tortures him because the "Good Life" is over because there will always be something missing. Now I can't listen to the song and not think of Quinn either. It still makes no sense but I get it.
Speaking of songs, today I was listening to "I will carry you (Audrey's song)" by Selah. It is a beautiful song that is very fitting of our situation. Audrey's mom carried her also knowing that she would not survive. She also wrote a book by the same name that I read while I was pregnant with Quinn.
I probably listened to that song 5 times this morning while laying in bed waiting for Ash to wake up. There might have been some tears shed while listening but tears are healthy right....
There is much more that I have read and could ponder over but for right now I am going to go snuggle with my husband. Night!