Grieving is messy

At times I feel like I am just skating along in this process of grieving Quinn, until I am not.  Then I fall and I fall hard.  It will come out of no where and suddenly I feel like my heart has been ripped open again and the pain is unbearable. 
I have been doing really well.  I had quite a few days there with very few tears which I am thankful for, but grieving is messy.  Even when I am doing well and I am not crying continuously I then have the guilt.  I feel guilty that I am not crying and I am here apparently unbroken.  The thing is, I am broken.  I might be put back together at the time and moving along okay but one little bump and I shatter again. 
The other night, rocking Ashlyn was my "bump".  She was over tired and not sleeping well so I got up and rocked her back to sleep.  I do not get to do this often with her so any time I do I enjoy it, even at 3am.  She had fallen back to sleep and her sweet little breath was on my cheek and it made me suddenly miss Quinn so badly.  I miss holding her and hearing her wonderful little squeaks.  I miss her so much!  So much. 
Today we are going to our first support group for grieving parents, Precious Parents.  I don't know yet if it will be something that we continue to go to or if it will even help us.  I guess we will find out tonight. 

The Bereaved Mother

To those of you who look away when I grow teary eyed in the baby department, look a little deeper. Surely you have some compassion in your heart.

To those of you who change the subject when I speak my child's name, change your way of thinking. It may just change your whole life.

To those of you who roll your eyes and say we barely had them at all, how could we miss them so much, in our hearts we have seen them live a thousand times. We have seen their first steps, first day of school, their weddings, and their children. We have had them forever in our minds.

To those who say we can have another, even if we had twenty more they would never be the child we lost, and we will always miss them.

To those who say get on with my life, I have. It is a different life, the life of a grieving mother. One with a tremendous amount to be thankful for, but also one with a lot to mourn the loss of.

Do not judge a bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart throbs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS, but she is NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity.

Do not dismiss us: we have shaped more than just the future generation. We have released all the tiny angels who are watching over you.

Open your eyes to us, and you just might see them.

~ Author Unknown

This poem is more for me.  I need to remember that just because I am here and continue to live everyday does not mean that my love for Quinn is not here.  Just because the tears are not flowing at this second does not mean that I am not heart broken.  I miss her more every day and will until the day that I die.  Everyday that I am living is another day away from her but it is also another day closer to her.  I do not need to feel guilty that I choose to live because that is what my baby would want.  I love you so so very much Quinn-Bean and I will continue to choose to live.  I will be the very best person that I can be so I can be sure that I do get to see you again and spend eternity with you in my arms!