Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Heart wrenching but healing, I think

Last night was our first support group meeting.  It was hard.  Heart wrenching.  Terrifying.  It was all of these things and more but it was also somewhat healing, I think.  I had no idea what to expect.  Honestly, just getting there was hard enough.  Making that drive again.  Pulling into that parking lot when the last time I was there I was walking out of the hospital having just had to give me poor sweet dead baby to a nurse and instead of carrying her out I was carrying all of her worldly belongings that sadly fit very easily in a plastic hospital bag.  It was very hard to face this place again!  Thankfully, the meeting was not in the hospital itself but in the building across the street.  Walking was hard as well.  I am not really a shy person but I do get uneasy around people that I don't know and I was very timid walking into that room.  I knew that most likely everyone there would already know each other and we would be the newbies.  Listening to the chatter before the meeting started made me feel a bit like the new girl in homeroom.  Everyone chatted and talked amongst themselves, clearly having relationships already and here we were just there. 
The meeting started by people going around and telling their stories.  Saying it was hard to listen to is an understatement.  It was gut wrenching to listen to how all of these other moms (and dads) had lost their sweet sweet angels.  There were tears, many tears, but it was okay.  I felt safe, oddly enough since I was poring my heart out to a room full of strangers.  Everyone else in this room was in the same place as us.  Yes, we might all be in different phases but we were all there. 
I don't know yet how much I got from it but I will certainly go back.  I am sure that the more I go, the more we talk, it will help bring healing but the main reason is because I LOVE to talk about Quinn.  I will go every month for the simple fact that I have a time to talk about my Bean.  I want/need to talk about her.  She was here and she IS my daughter and I need and want to acknowledge that!  It feels good to remember her, even if it is sad!  Yes, of course it is sad, we all know the ending, but her death does not end it there for me.  I am her mom and I want to get to brag about her!  Of course I might not get to brag about the same things that I do for Ashlyn but I still need that time and if this is a chance for me to do that then I will run not walk to the meetings! 
I also hope that the meetings will bring new friendships into our lives.  Steve and I always said that we wanted more couple friends that we were on the same page with and maybe this is just one other gift that Quinn will give us.  I have already met amazing woman on this journey with Quinn, Katie and Miranda helped get me through my pregnancy and the days after Quinn passed.  I really feel that these friendships, that I am sure will last a lifetime even if they are over great distance, are special gifts that my Quinn-Bean has given me and with meeting more people through the support group that gift goes even further!  I am often times amazed at all that Quinn has given to us in her short life here.  It is more than I ever imagined and I am so very proud of my beautiful daughter! 


Anonymous said...

What a beautiful outlook you have for the gifts your daughter has left for you and Steve...and in time Ash too. She may have only been here on Earth a few short days but her gift (ie presents) will be here forever. (yes, I meant for that misspelled!). :) -Carrie Robson

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Your story has so touched me.....Sending you a hug

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