You can't ever prepare yourself to lose a child. You can try but you just can't ever actually prepare yourself. The pain is way greater than you would ever imagine possible, for one. It can, at times, be a mind numbing pain that can literally take your breath away. There are times where the hole in my heart feels like it might just cave my chest in. Though I never knew that the pain could be so intense, I am also handling everything WAY better than I thought I would. I was terrified to be on maternity leave after loosing Quinn because I would have too much free time and I wouldn't be able to function like a normal person. Well, Ashlyn keeps me entirely too busy and I am also really okay. I thought that there would be days where it would take everything I had to just get out of bed but that isn't the case. I really thought that I wouldn't want to leave the house because I would be so consumed with grief but that isn't the case either. Yes, there are times when I am consumed but for the most part I'm not. I am still me. I am still Ashlyn's mom. I am still funny (or at least I amuse myself), I still sing (flat if you ask my husband), I still enjoy life and am not a bitter pessimist. I still see the glass as half full and most importantly, I still believe. I still believe that God loves me and Quinn.
My friend asked me how I was, referring to the grief, and said that if she didn't know that I had just lost a baby she wouldn't be able to tell based on how I act. It is true, I do seem normal. I don't feel normal and it still seems odd to me that people can't look at me and tell that I am not a whole person but, I am still normal. The grief is not all consuming like I thought it would be. It is there and there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think of Quinn and the tears are always just under the surface but I am still me.
I just read Heaven is for Real. It is a pretty good book and was fairly comforting. I always thought that Quinn would be in Heaven waiting for me but I guess this sort of made that seem more real. I in no way want to die and it would kill me to leave Ashlyn but I am not afraid to die. I have something wonderful waiting for me in Heaven!