Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Still me...

You can't ever prepare yourself to lose a child.  You can try but you just can't ever actually prepare yourself.  The pain is way greater than you would ever imagine possible, for one.  It can, at times, be a mind numbing pain that can literally take your breath away.  There are times where the hole in my heart feels like it might just cave my chest in.  Though I never knew that the pain could be so intense, I am also handling everything WAY better than I thought I would.  I was terrified to be on maternity leave after loosing Quinn because I would have too much free time and I wouldn't be able to function like a normal person.  Well, Ashlyn keeps me entirely too busy and I am also really okay.  I thought that there would be days where it would take everything I had to just get out of bed but that isn't the case.  I really thought that I wouldn't want to leave the house because I would be so consumed with grief but that isn't the case either.  Yes, there are times when I am consumed but for the most part I'm not.  I am still me.  I am still Ashlyn's mom.  I am still funny (or at least I amuse myself), I still sing (flat if you ask my husband), I still enjoy life and am not a bitter pessimist.  I still see the glass as half full and most importantly, I still believe.  I still believe that God loves me and Quinn. 
My friend asked me how I was, referring to the grief, and said that if she didn't know that I had just lost a baby she wouldn't be able to tell based on how I act.  It is true, I do seem normal.  I don't feel normal and it still seems odd to me that people can't look at me and tell that I am not a whole person but, I am still normal.  The grief is not all consuming like I thought it would be.  It is there and there isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think of Quinn and the tears are always just under the surface but I am still me. 

I just read Heaven is for Real.  It is a pretty good book and was fairly comforting.  I always thought that Quinn would be in Heaven waiting for me but I guess this sort of made that seem more real.  I in no way want to die and it would kill me to leave Ashlyn but I am not afraid to die.  I have something wonderful waiting for me in Heaven!


KatieMGreen said...

Man, you said that all sooooo well. Exactly how I feel!!

mbehm said...

I agree with everything you said....and I'm glad you're doing ok. Have you read "Holding on to Hope" by Nancy Guthrie? I thought it was really good.

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