Last week was my first week back to work. I didn't expect it to be hard but it was. Realizing that life was now back to normal yet at the same time so far from normal that it is hard to comprehend. I am back to work, Ashlyn is back to the sitter's, everything is the same as it was yet it is all so different. It is hard to accept that life really does go on.
Once I got into the swing of things with being back to work things are going well. I am keeping busy and that of course helps but I feel myself coming to grips with the reality that my daughter is gone. It is a hard thing to really face. I think the first weeks after Quinn's death I was more in shock and just floating along. Sure, I knew that there was a very good chance that I would have to say goodbye but actually facing it is much harder than you ever imagine. The shock is slowing wearing off and the true utter grief is sinking in. A friend of mine told me that it was about 2 1/2 months after loosing her baby when she was at her lowest point. I can see that this timing is just about the same for me. The initial shock of everything wears off and life is supposed to be normal, you are supposed to be normal. It is around now that you realize that there is no normal. You can't really wrap your mind around what this "new normal" is supposed to be.
I miss my baby! I want her back! I want her back so bad! I wish every night when I go to bed that I might dream about her so I can have her back even for a little while. It still hasn't happened. I tell Ashlyn every night that if she sees Quinn in her dreams to tell her that momma loves her and give her a big hug and kiss for me.
I just keep trying to keep busy in order to keep all of the pieces together. I started weight watchers so I have something healthy to obsess about it. I also have been helping Zaina with Bowling for Babies. I am so excited to have a time to get together with all of my family and friends and really celebrate Quinn and the lives of all other babies that were taken from us to soon. They deserve to be celebrated! I am also excited that through this we are able to give back to the Hospital that did so much for us and Quinn. If you get a chance, please visit the website, http://www.bowlingforbabies.net/. Sign up on a team, buy tickets to bowl, or just donate, and if you already have, thank you. Thank you for celebrating my Quinn with me!