Here's to 2014!

    Wow, 2014!  Where did the year go? 

 

I would say that 2013 was good to me and my little family! 

 

Adley joined us on January 14th at 9:14 pm.  She is the happiest, sweetest, baby.  She has made our lives so full.  Ashlyn has went from my baby to my little girl.  Not so sure I am happy about that though.... She is the sweetest girl though... usually... unless she is in a mood and she can be pretty darn sassy!  This is the first year since before being being pregnant with Quinn in 2011 that I have felt good.  The days and months after July 20, 2011 have been hard but this past year, they have been less hard.  There are still moments where I have a hard time believing that I am the mother to a dead daughter, don't get me wrong, and I miss her still with everything that I am but I am doing....better.  I can say that I am out of the fog, out of the deep grief and am in "new normal" stage I guess. 

 

It is hard to start a new year and leave Quinn further behind.  It always will be, but at the same time, I am looking forward to the future.  I am looking forward to watching my sweet Ashlyn and Adley grow and work on a better marriage with Steve.  I will be honest, your daughter dying and everything that comes along with it can take a toll on your marriage.  I think we are both at a point in our grief that it is time that we can stop looking inward and start looking to each other, too.  We can grow closer again, like we used to be.  Stop being just Ashlyn, Quinn, and Adley's mom & dad and become Meghan & Steve, the couple, again. 

 

My resolution for 2014 is to be a better me.  In every way that I can be.  Take care of myself more and put me first for a change.  Wash my face before bed, work out again, lose some more weight, get up earlier so I am not rushing in the morning, be more organized, be more patient with the girls, just work on being a better me!  Oh, and maybe even to blog more ;)

 

I hope you have a very happy and safe New Years! 

What should be perfect but isn't

This past weekend, Saturday was beautiful. Your perfect Spring day. Steve and I took the girls to the park for Ashlyn to play. I sat on the bench enjoying the sun with Adley and as it always goes, Ashlyn decided she had to pee about 15 minutes in. Of course they didn’t have the bathrooms open so we called my parents to see if they were home for her to go since we were out that way. After her potty break we walked up to the park near their house.
On the way home, I was wearing a sleeping Adley in the carrier and Ashlyn was running ahead with my mom and I thought of how perfect our life is, and then instantly that stab of pain came and reminded me just how it will never be perfect.
I am so so very blessed to have such a wonderful life. A loving husband who is good to me, respects me, and loves me for me, two BEAUTIFUL girls here with me, a wonderful supportive family, a nice little house, a job… I have a lot. I have a lot that some people would kill for. Yet, it will never be enough. It will never be perfect. My perfect died on December 2, 2011. My life will never be complete. Never.
Even the simplest of things, like a walk to the park on a beautiful day, can remind me of that, and that sucks! Sucks.

Weigh-In Monday - week 4

Phew, finally getting around to updating. This week started so strong and ended so so wrong! Isn't that the way it always is!!?!?
First off, weigh in. It wasn't great, but down. I just can't seem to get away from this damn 175!! (Well couldn't……)
　

Current weight: 175.0

This weeks loss / gain : -.8

Loss to date: 5.6

First Goal: 171.6 (5% loss)

Hard spots: Tracking - let's all just admit that it isn't going to happen and move on, okay? Okay!

Bragging : I can't even remember at this point…. Doing this post way too far after the fact but I have good reasons!
　

Sunday night I was so ready to start this week! I cut up peppers to snack on, made garlic garlic dip, blended my Green Smoothie
　

had my new awesome running shoes all ready to start the C25K program

　
and then this happened: 　

Yeah……. my poor poor baby was so so sick =(

And after that I was back to work on Tuesday and then Wednesday it was my turn. It was MISERABLE! I don't think I have EVER been that sick! But, having intestinal flu will help you drop weight! Thanks to the flu diet on Thursday I was here on the scale:

Now, I know that it wasn't a REAL loss and once I am able to eat again, if that ever happens, I will likely gain most back but it was still nice to see none-the-less!


The weather is going to be beautiful this weekend, I told the family that no one is allowed in the house unless it is nap time or bed time. We are shaking those germs off! And next week I am back on track with the C25K program! More on that in the next post!

Have a good weekend!

Explaining Heaven...

Ashlyn talks about Quinn a lot.  We encourage it.  It makes my heart smile and cry at the same time. 
She woke up the other day and the first words out of her mouth were that she told Quinn that mommy and daddy love her. 
She will randomly bring her up with no prompting at all.  She will talk about her being in Heaven with Jesus and God. 
The hard times are when she asks if she can go and see her in Heaven.  She will ask where Heaven is and when you tell her that it is way up in the sky with the clouds she wants to go.  She knows that Uncle Nick lives far away in Florida and he takes an airplane to get there so she figures that if Heaven is far away we can just fly there too.  How can you explain to someone so sweet and innocent that we can't just go and visit as much as we wish we could.  I try and tell her that someday, a long long time from now, we can all go and visit Quinney.  She will ask if random people can come as well, her cousins, Ethan and Dommie and their sister Lennyn, Nana, Papa, Terry our neighbor,...  she wants them all to go to Heaven with her and visit her sister and God. 

Oh how I wish we could visit my Quinn-Bean.  Oh how I wish that Ashlyn could know her baby sister, and Adley her big sister. 

My heart hurts today. 

Update...

I have been trying to write this post forever. Honestly, since at least Easter. I had all of my pictures all set to wow you with my cute kiddos but then could never get around to actually writing the post. Here are at least a couple of the pictures….

I really feel like I just can't get a handle on things. Being back to work is fine but I feel like I can't get everything done. I have so many things I want to spend time on and it seems they all get half-assed or not at all. The house is a disaster 90% of the time. We have this little tornado named Ashlyn who lives with us and she messes it up faster than I can pick up. It is never ending! I pick up one thing and turn to find 3 more. We teach her to put her shoes away, coat in the closet, clothes in the hamper, do not just leave puppy in the middle of the kitchen floor, yet there is still constantly stuff everywhere! Constantly! Other than just the normal upkeep to stop the house resembling too closely to the city dump, there is so much else I would love to do. I would love to keep up on couponing and actually save some money. I would love to be able to make hair bows, scrapbook… this will (most likely) be the first year that I do not have Ashlyn's album done by her birthday. I couldn't go to the weekend crop I normally go to because I had just had Adley and just don't have the time to sit and scrapbook at home. Plus, whenever you try to do something like that is when the kiddos want you! There is so many other things that I would love to do… even if it is just deep cleaning the house… but I can't find the time. When I am not with the kids I am exhausted. Plus, there is the whole spending time with Steve too which we really do not get to do as much as we would like.
Sigh…
Okay, I am done complaining. I know that every other working mom, which I put "stay-at-home moms" in this grouping as well (it is work people, you try staying home all day with a 3 year old - getting to go to work is like a vacation at times), have the same problem!
Things in the Pfeiffer house have been good. Crazy, but good!
As we are quickly approaching Ashlyn's birthday I can tell you first hand that the "terrible-two" are a joke. Seriously! Try the oh-my-fucking-gosh-my-child-is-a-monster-threes. Yeah. We're there. This weekend alone I was told "I don't love you, anymore" and Steve got the "I hate you", the first of what I am sure is many to come! That was all because we told her to either go potty or eat her dinner. Gasp! What mean parents!
Normally, I have a very sweet, smart, caring, child but get her over-tired or try and do something that she perceives as taking away any bit of independence and you might need to shield yourself from the pea soup!
Adley has been doing fabulous! I can not get enough of this child. She is so damn cute! She is smiling and cooing and just completely adorable. She is so happy and easy going! She got to hang out with her BFF / Twin, Kendal, this week and it made me see just how much of a peanut she is. Kendal is just about 6 weeks younger and is already bigger. They are so flipping cute together! Although I do not want my baby to grow up, at the same time, I can't wait until the girls are a little older and can really interact with each other. This summer is going to be so much fun!

Speaking of Summer, I just got Ashlyn enrolled in swim classes. I think I am more excited that she is!
Well, that is what is going on with us.
I have a ton of other posts that I want to write and I am hoping to get to them soon! Hopefully!!

Weigh-In Monday - week 3

I was down.  Not enough, especially since I am not even down the full pound that I gained last week, but down. 

I started the week doing great with tracking and then, as always, I started sucking.  I really just need to suck it up and pay for the meetings.  Honestly, I think that is the only way I am going to stay on track.  I need those old ladies judging me!  It costs about double and I really didn't want to fork over $40 a month but... I apparently can't find the motivation on my own!
I will say that although I wasn't down what I would like, I did fit back into some pants that I was in when I got pregnant with Adley!  Now, the shirt is very forgiving, but I am still pretty happy =)

I also got Adley's new ride!  I am so excited to try it out!  That and the 'Ease into 5k' app that I just downloaded on my phone!  I did tell my mom I would run some with her so now I have to be busy training for them!! 

Current weight: 175.8

This weeks loss / gain : -.6

Loss to date: 4.8

First Goal: 171.6 (5% loss)

Hard spots: Tracking

Bragging : Fitting into pre-pregnancy pants

This week's goal: Track!  (Isn't that every week's goal) and break in that stroller

Weigh-In Monday - week 2

Alright, I was up.

A whole pound! Ugh!

Stupid Easter candy! I can't even blame the Easter Bunny, it is all of the crap that I have bought after Easter on clearance! Terrible!

I started out doing great. Tracking everything that went into my mouth and it actually kept me from eating any of the Easter candy because I was too lazy to figure out points, lol.
Then there was the Sam's Club bag of snack size Reese's peanut butter eggs that was on sale for $4… and I might have gotten 2 of them… then the Cadbury mini-eggs…. I know, I know… terrible! So, I started eating all of that and stopped tracking. I suck at tracking, I really do. Which, is the WHOLE point of Weight Watchers!

On the plus side, I did get outside this weekend, got to walk and play with Ash running around at the park. I also picked out a jogging stroller so Addie can go for rides with me while I walk or maybe even jog around the neighborhood or on the trail near our house. I think I even have Steve convinced that it will be a good investment and not a waste, lol!

My co-worker, Brandi, and I have been walking at lunch and this week we are trying to do some sort of moving every hour. Sitting all day is pretty terrible so every hour we are doing something with weights or a quick set of squats, something to get us moving some during the day.

I am not going to get to down on myself for my one pound. I am simply going to move forward and do better! Current weight: 176.4

This weeks loss / gain : +1

Loss to date: 4.2

First Goal: 171.6 (5% loss)

Hard spots: Damn Reese's and their delicious peanut butter eggs!

Bragging : I got nothing. I sucked, that is all there is to it.

This week's goal: Track, track, track, work on some sort of quick set every hour, and get outside and moving as much as possible!

Weigh-in Monday

Well, I was down.

It might have only been by .2 but it was down.

Even at only .2, I am calling this a success! The fact that I was not up is pretty much a miracle considering I had whoppers, a Reese peanut-butter egg, and a Cadbury egg for breakfast yesterday. Then a delicious Easter dinner…. Really, any loss is a success this week.

But now, Easter is over and I have zero excuses to not do better this week!
I am going to track EVERYTHING! Even dinner!

Current weight: 175.4

This weeks loss / gain : -.2

Loss to date: 5.2

First Goal: 171.6 (5% loss)

Hard spots: Easter! All that wonderful candy and my favorite meal of the year!

Bragging : The fact that I was down at all!

This weeks goal: Track, track, track!

Weight Watchers

Before I got pregnant with Miss Aldey, I was doing Weight Watchers.  I had just hit my 30 pounds lost mark when I found out I was pregnant and instantly started shoving my face ;) Hey, I knew that it would (most likely) be the last time I would ever be pregnant and my last chance to eat with no guilt! 

I am not even sure what I exactly gained this pregnancy but I know that I kept on 22.8 pounds from where I was before. 
I am again going with Weight Watchers to help me get this weight off but this time I opted for only online rather than the meetings. 

I am quickly regretting this decision. 

Now, even when we did "the meetings" we rarely ever stayed for them, but in all honesty, I NEED those ladies judging me to keep me accountable.  I need those disapproving looks when I gain. 

However, I am cheap.  Meetings are twice the cost! 

So, we are going to try something else. 
You, yes you, are going to help keep me accountable.  Mondays are weigh in day so, I am going to post my weight, yes, my real weight, here!  I swear I will be honest.  Maybe I will even take a picture of the scale. 

I started WW on 2/27 at...

ugh, this is harder than I thought...

okay, 180.6 pounds. 

This Monday I was at 175.6, thus loosing a whopping 5 pounds so far. 

I don't have an exact number in mind for where I want to get down to but I think I would like to lose right around 40 pounds.  That would be right about where I was when we got married. 

I need to think of some rewards for when I hit my milestones.
Now, I just need to stay motivated and actually track!  I suck at tracking!  I do great during the day at work where things are controlled but at home, not so much!  It is so much work to figure out points when you actually cook.
 I swear I will start doing it though! 

Maybe slightly neurotic

I have learned this week that I might be slightly more neurotic than I thought.

Now that's scary!

Adley has a cold.
It started last Wednesday and has just been miserable. Runny and snotty nose, congestion, sneezing, coughing… miserable! It is hell to watch your baby be sick. It is also hell to have to make them cry while trying to make them better. I hate that bulb sucker as much as she does.

It wasn't until this Wednesday that I realized that I might be slightly crazy over this child. Renee and I were talking and she mentioned that Adley was coughing more and more and at times seemed to be having a hard time catching her breath. She emphasized that it was nothing serious but that it was making her worry. She was watching her and her mouth WAS NOT turning blue during these episodes and it wasn't constant but enough. I called the doctor and got her in for later that day.

Then I sat back down at my desk and the crazy started.

I have never been an over-protective mom. Believe me. Ashlyn is way too adventurous for me to even try to be. Honestly, one of her favorite things to do is jump off of her bed or the couch onto her over-size bean bag. I am not over protective yet I sat at my desk crying thinking, "I can't bury another one".

Yep, crazy!

I KNEW that Adley was OK. I knew that it was a cold. I trust Renee completely and though she was worried she wasn't overly concerned and I knew that meant Adley was fine. Yet with me being away from her I couldn't help myself. I couldn't stop the thoughts from coming into my head and the panic creeping in.

I knew that Quinn's death would have an impact on my whole life and now I know that it will also have an impact on Adley's, in more than a 'yeah I had an older sister that died' way. You know that commercial with the mom who is blocking the dodge balls from her son? Yep, that will be me. Ashlyn will be running and jumping and climbing trees while Adley will be in my little bubble I create her. Now, don't get me wrong, I would NEVER want anything to happen to Ashlyn but I am not afraid so much of her dying. She is here and established and I don't know… like I said, neurotic. I just don't have as much fear with her but with Adley, I still expect her to be taken away. I think that is what it comes down to. I feel like one of these days she will be ripped away from me, just like her sister was. It hasn't really sunk in that I might be lucky enough to get to keep her.

Steve asked me the other day when we were going to put her in her crib. Umm…. Never….
OK, I KNOW that at some point the child will have to sleep someplace other than in her rock-n-play next to my bed but for now, I like her right there next to me. I can hear her sweet little grunts and know that she is OK. I use the excuse that it is easier while I am breastfeeding, which is true. It is easier but… it is also that I can't stand the thought of her not being right next to me.
Now, there are other things that I am totally laid back about. With Ashlyn, I felt like I had to hold her all. the. time. I was afraid of putting her down and her waking up or something. I was a new mom and didn't know any better. With Adley, as soon as she was asleep I put her in her swing or RNP or wherever. I am also not as fast to jump when she starts crying. I know that she will be OK to wait until I am able to get to her.
　
On a different note, Tuesday was the Precious Parents meeting. It is so great to go and just think of Quinn. I don't get to do that often being so busy with working full time and being mom of two so I cherish those few hours where I get to parent my middle child. Oh how I wish I had my 3 girls at home with me. I know that had Quinn made it we most likely wouldn't have Adley but it is still fun and heartbreaking to think of the what if. What if we did have all 3 at home right now. How crazy and wonderful would our life be! I wish…..
Well, I leave you with a picture of my beautiful youngest child, the source of a lot of my neurosis. OK, probably not really the source, I think I had a lot of it already she is just making me realize the extent of it =)
Isn't she just freaking gorgeous! Oh, I could just eat her up!

Birth Story

My beautiful Adley Mae is here! 

I am again head over heals in love!  She is beautiful and I could spend all day snuggling with her!  She is tiny, well for one of my babies anyway!  Did I say that I am in love?  I could gush over her forever! 
For those who don't know, Adley was born on January 14th at 9:14pm.  She was 7 pounds 14 ounces.   
Once again I had a great labor.  This one was a bit more intense being that it was the first that I actually went into labor on my own.  With Ashlyn my water was leaking so I was induced and with Quinn I was also induced.

With Adley it was all her.

It started Sunday evening.  I just didn't feel good.  That night I was having contractions but nothing timeable, just enough to keep me uncomfortable and not able to sleep.  I decided to go to work anyway figuring it was nothing and just the normal joys of pregnancy.  I was tired and feeling pretty crappy but up until around noon I was mainly OK.  Then I started having more and more contractions.  I still managed to stay until around 2 and then I had to go home to relax.  Relaxing in my world is doing the dishes (hey, if I was in labor I didn't want to come home to dishes in the sink), take a shower (to shave my legs of course), and pack my hospital bag.  I got all of that done and finally laid down.
By this time the contractions were about 9 minutes apart but they weren't terrible.  Uncomfortable but I didn't have to breath through them or anything.  After a while I decided to go downstairs and sit in the rocker in Adley's room.  I talked to Steve right before he left work and we (I) decided that we would leave Ashlyn at Renee's house seeing as the contractions were about 6 minutes apart by this time.  I still do not think that Steve thought I was in labor.  By the time that he got home they were 2 to 3 minutes apart but still not as painful.  At this point I think he finally realized that this was happening and started running around to get everything ready for us to go to the hospital.  I spent the next 15 minutes or so trying to get a hold of the after hours line for the midwife.  I FINALLY got a hold of someone and spoke to the midwife on call and told her that I was ready to head to the hospital.  She said to go ahead, they would check me and let her know if I would be admitted. 
The ride to the hospital sucked.  My contractions were now painful.  PAINFUL!  Of course this is when you get behind someone that appears to be high because there is no reason that you should be going that slow on the express way, ever!  Ever!  Especially not when there is a woman in labor behind you. 
We got to the hospital right around 6.  At Labor and Delivery Triage I saw 2 clearly pregnant girls waiting.  One sitting and one leaning against the wall.  Neither of them about to die as their baby ripping its' way out of their body.  Me being in tears, moaning and near screams got taken first.  It was kind of them.  They quickly got me checked and I was at 5cm.  I remember one nurse saying that they thought that this was going to be a "stop and drop" but lucky or everyone we had a little time. 
I will admit that I was a bitch.  I was in pain and it wasn't like a contraction, rest, another contraction, they were right on top of each other.  There was very little rest.  I wanted to claw Steve's arm.  Literally.  It took all that I had to not.  I yelled at him to not touch me, not move me, snapped at the midwife who had to ask the same question over and over again. 
Thankfully, I did get my epidural rather quickly.  It was much harder this time to sit still for it.  With Ashlyn I was uncomfortable but never in serious pain, I more got the epidural when I did because I was so tired.  With Quinn, I never felt a single contraction.  Once the drugs were in though, I was happy and much nicer.  Also, the annoying midwife was off and my favorite, who I have seen since before I got married, Molly, was now my midwife! 
The rest of labor was pretty uneventful.  Around 8:15 or so Molly checked me and I was at around 9.5 cm and would have been full 10 but my water hadn't broke yet, though it was bulging.  Molly went ahead and broke it and around 9 Molly said that I should start pushing.  The only thing was I didn't feel the need to push.  With both of the other girls I knew when it was time.  This time, nothing.  But, we went ahead and started anyway.  I pushed a couple of times and nothing was really happening.  Molly finally felt up there and could tell that not only was Adley sunny side up but she had her head tilted up and was stuck.  I have to say that Molly did a great job keeping me calm.  She said that she needed the doctor to come in and they were going to have to try and move her.  I knew that if she didn't move I was going to have to go for a c-section but I managed to keep calm and not freak out.  I asked if I should keep pushing and Molly said that a couple times wouldn't hurt.  I pushed one more time and when I stopped I felt her move.  Suddenly I actually felt the need to push and knew that one more push and she would be out and that is exactly what happened.  By the time the doctor was coming into the room Adley was coming into this world! 

9:14pm and I finally got to meet my rainbow!

My beautiful, ooey gooey baby!  Out of the 3 girls, this was the first time I got to hold my ooey gooey baby!  With Ashlyn they had to take her right away due to my water leaking for nearly 24 hours and of course Quinn had to be taken to be assessed.  This time though, I got to cuddle my baby as soon she was in this world!  I honestly could have stared at that little face forever!

We decided that we wanted pictures taken during her birth seeing as this would be a very emotional experience.  Of course all births are, but we figured that this might be a bit more than your typical birth experience.  I am so so very thankful that we have these pictures.  They capture everything perfectly.  I can look at these pictures and I see the pure JOY.  Complete and utter joy and amazement! 

Adley is a wonderful baby!  She is beautiful and calm and just perfect!  Honestly, bringing a baby home for the second time is a whole lot easier than the first.  There isn't the stress of the not knowing. 
Ashlyn is an amazing big sister!  She LOVES her baby sister and is always wanting to hold her and help take care of her.  I was worried that she would feel slighted, especially since she is such a Momma's girl and I am nursing but she has been such a big girl and very understanding.  I am so very proud of my little lady!  I couldn't ask for better daughters, all 3 of them.

I will admit that there are times that I look at Adley and my heart breaks for Quinn.  I miss her every day and I promise you that as happy as I am to be Adley's mom I would give anything to have my Quinn back as well!  It is surreal.  Adley looks a lot like Quinn and I think that makes it even harder at times.  It is hard to put the feelings into words.  I know that if Quinn hadn't died or if she never had T13 that Adley wouldn't be here.  It is hard to think of my world without Adley now that she is in it and to think if it weren't for her sister dying she wouldn't be here is just.....  like I said, it is hard to put into words. 

I know that my little Quinn-Bean is in Heaven smiling down on her baby sister and that makes me smile! 
I am a very happy and proud Mommy!  I love my 3 girls with all my heart!

Now that I have rambled forever, here are a few pictures of Adley not all ooey gooey =)
Gawd, is she gorgeous!  Even if she does look just like her daddy and nothing like me!