July 20th.... a year later

**I wrote this Friday morning but never got around to posting**

I am sitting here thinking of where I was a year ago. Life was so very different. I was 20 weeks 2 days pregnant and getting ready to leave for our big ultrasound. The party was planned, the cake ordered, the food was in the fridge, just waiting to be cooked for our big gender reveal party. We headed to the u/s and while I was maybe slightly nervous that the baby could have Down Syndrome because of our NT Scan, I was more excited that anything else!
Steve and I sat in the waiting room and I remember a news story coming on of a family whose car was swept into a river or creek and the entire family other than the father died. Steve and I talked about how horrible that would be and how you would wish to die as well. I felt for that man thinking here we are, our family in tact and happy and he is out there devastated wishing he had died too. Little did I know that my whole world would come crashing down around me just moments later!

Six little worlds…… "I am seeing genetic defects here……..." Six words that changed the course of our lives forever! The words hanging in the air, my brain not completely able to comprehend the full impact that they would have on my life…. I am seeing genetic defects here……

A year later and I still can't fully comprehend it or maybe I just don't want to. I know that Quinn was here. I know that I felt her warmth in my arms. I heard her little squeaks and her wonderful cat like cries but I still can't believe that it all happened. Sometimes I still expect to wake up pregnant with her and ready to leave for that u/s and hear the news that we were supposed to hear! That we were having a healthy baby and would find out the gender later that evening surrounded by our family and friends! I just want to wake up from this nightmare! But, I won't wake up. This nightmare is my life and I am a mommy with out her baby

*****

A year later and our story goes on even without Quinn here. We have no choice but to pick up and move on as much as we might not want to. Here I am pregnant again and thankfully this time our baby is healthy!!!! As far as Trisomy is concerned that is. Anything could still happen and I still fear all of those other things, but we do know that this baby does not have a form of Trisomy. Dr Stewart called last night and told us that our test results came back normal! A huge relief washed over me when he said those words. I feel better but I still have a lot of fear of all of the other things that can go wrong but I do feel like I have relaxed a bit. Now, we wait until our 20 week ultrasound so we can see that he or she is looking nice and healthy and I will feel MUCH better! Only one month and 2 weeks to go =)

It is crazy to think how different things are a year later. A year later I am a different person. So different.

I love you Quinn! Always!

And to you little Bee, I love you, too, and can't wait to meet you!

Anxiously Waiting

Things are going pretty well. Not much to report from the Pfeiffer household.
We are still waiting on the results from my blood draw. I am getting a little anxious. I know, I know, they said 7 to 10 days and technically today is only day 8 (if I give them the extra day for having to ship the blood to the lab). I am really trying to not be an anxious crazy person but… no one has ever accused me of being a patient person. I'm not. I am actually quite psychotic about it. I hate waiting! Hate it! But, there is nothing I can do but twiddle my thumbs and stare at my phone willing it to ring! I am just really hoping that they do not have to go to the second vile of blood and we get results in the next day or so and do not have to wait an additional 7 to 10 days!

Come on Dr Stewart, you can call with good news anytime now!

I get butterflies just thinking about seeing that phone number coming up on my phone…. I know that I will be on the verge of a panic attack upon answering it. How can I not be. I just keep praying pleading that everything is okay in there and baby number 3 is happy and healthy!!
If you get a chance and can say a quick prayer for baby and my patience / nerves it would be much appreciated! Oh and maybe one for daddy too… seems he has a terrible case of food poisoning. Yuck! Really hoping that he is better fast, we are planning a camping trip for this weekend!

Guess What...

So, I am not going full out public yet, or should I say I am not going out of facebook, but for those who still follow us, in the few and far between posts, here is the big announcement.

I am happy!

Thrilled!

Terrified!

Monday we had a new test done called Materni T21. This is a DNA based test in which the baby's DNA is extracted from my blood and tested for any extra chromosomal material floating around in there. In all honesty, I am not really afraid that this baby has Trisomy.

I'm not!
Really!

I know that the chances of that are EXTREMELY slim. What happened with Quinn was a freak thing. It wasn't genetic, we didn't pass it on, it is just something that happened. I am not afraid that this baby also has it but I am afraid of EVERYTHING else. Miscarriage, late-term miscarriage, pre-term labor, ruptured uterus, you name it and I have thought about it. I am just so afraid that anything could happen to rip this little being out of my arms. I am no longer that naïve happy pregnant person who delusionally thinks that every pregnant lady goes home with a baby. They don't. Hard truth is, babies die. They die every day and bewildered broken hearted parents go home empty handed. This hard knowledge jades you. Eleven weeks and 3 days into this pregnancy I am still afraid to get too excited about it. Anything could happen to take this dream, this baby, away from me and damn it, I am scared to get too attached. Of course I am attached, this is my baby, my rainbow, but I don't know how yet to give all my heart because I can't live through it again. Watching my beautiful daughter take her last breaths and turn blue in my arms was the most beautiful and horrific thing I could ever endure and I. cannot. do. it. again. Can't. So, I am scared and I think I have a right to be.

The test that we had done is 99.8% effective in finding cases of Trisomy with an extremely low false positive. I should have results in 2 weeks or so. Two long torturous weeks! Like I said, I do not believe that this baby has Trisomy but I still need to hear it! Then I might calm a bit but until the 20 week ultrasound where we can take a look at every single little part of my little guy or girl in there I won't fully be comfortable. Even then I am sure I will be on edge because I have heard so many of the horror stories but I am hopeful that I will not be a complete basket case like now.

I am REALLY trying to relax and enjoy this pregnancy but the fear just slips its way in there. I find myself pleading with God to please please please let my baby be healthy. Let me bring home this baby and watch him / her grow up and let Ashlyn have a living sibling. I plead and plead!
I know that I haven't been posting much. This is sort of my therapy and when I couldn’t talk about my real issues, the new baby and the fears, I didn't really see a need to blog. I wasn't ready to tell the world yet. I couldn't let the world know and then have something happen. I still have this fear that as soon as more people know something will happen and I will have to tell everyone the horrible news. I know, crazy person right here! I can't help it. Go through something as traumatic and horrible as your daughter dying and you become slightly pessimistic. I don't want to be but….

So, this blog may take on a little bit of a change. I will still always talk about Quinn, I have in no way moved on from her death. It will never happen. Sure I will wade my way through this new world but I will never be far from the pain. Under the smile there are tears and that is just a part of life now. Until the day I see my Quinn again there will always be a gaping hole in my heart and no one will EVER fill it. However, I do feel slightly more stable in this new place. The sharp piercing stabs of pain are few and farther and more a dull ache now. So, the blog will likely turn some and concentrate a bit on the pregnancy, Ashlyn growing up, and our life in general. I won't change the name of the blog because no matter where we go in life, it is still Quinn's story. She is a part of me, of us, and our story is her story even if she isn't here. This little being that I have in my belly now is Quinn's little brother or sister and they, and Ashlyn, will always know their sister! I want them to know her strength and love and always know that they have an angel looking over them. As long as my Quinn is remembered she is never gone and I want to make sure that she is always remembered!

My sweet daughter

Last night I was reading Ashlyn her two books before bed. 
This is a new thing for us. She is finally letting me read to her. Before, she would steal the book and try to flip the pages herself and just had no interest in her momma reading to her, at all. This was a bit of a heartbreaking thing for her book worm nerd of a mother!

Well low and behold we have finally come to a point where it is acceptable for me to hold onto the book and she might actually pay attention to part of the story =) 

So, last night we were reading Goodnight Thumper. We came to a part where Thumper’s sisters told him how they had missed him while he was gone. I then asked Ashlyn where her sister was.

She replied “I don’t know.”

I told her that her sister is her angel. This must have clicked in that little brain of hers because she promptly got off the couch and went and got Quinny’s picture down (knocking many others over in the process). She brought it over where she gave her a kiss and then handed it to me so I could also give her a kiss.

I then continued the story to both of my babies with tears in my eyes.

Oh the sweetness of my beautiful, caring, and oh so smart Bug! I am blessed to have such love in my life!

5 months... it just isn't fair!

Five months.  It feels like just yesterday yet at the same time it feels like years ago.  I have somehow managed to survive 5 months without my baby.  How?  I continue to breath and move on yet I also feel as if I am slipping backwards at times to.  It is getting harder to really believe that this is my story.  How is this my, MY, me - Meghan Pfeiffer, how in the fuck is this my story?  I am not supposed to be the mom to a dead baby.  I'm not.  How can this possibly really be my story?  It is getting harder to believe that I really do have to live with this forever.  Everyday I wake up and face yet another day that my daughter is not here with me. 
I have done a really good job keeping busy and sort of pushing the grief and the truth into the far far corners of my mind where I just don't have to deal with it.  Out of sight out of mind, right?  Well, I am tired.  I am tired of being so busy and what does that mean?  It means that it is time to slow down but that also means that I am going to have to face it.  I know that I have to eventually so.......  I am going to really have to sit down and deal with this.  I am going to really have to grieve.  Not something that I am really wanting to do..... it is easier to just push it aside and just be OK.  What is really wrong with OK?  Am I really supposed to ever be more than OK?  I don't know but I also know that I will never know if I don't really face this. 
I don't really know a lot about grieving but I know that there are stages and that it takes time.  I am assuming that anger is one of these stages and I am betting that there might be something about denial and maybe some guilt... I dont know, I have yet to read any of the books - this is another thing that I am working on......
I guess right now I am in the anger phase.  I am angry that my daughter isn't here.   I am angry that my friends daughters / sons aren't here.  I am angry.  There I said it, I am angry.  It isn't fair and don't give me that shit that life isn't fair.  I am not complaining that my kid didn't get to play during her softball game I am complaining that my daughter doesn't get any softball games or proms or a wedding.  All she got was 4 short days in the NICU and a funeral.  Now that isn't fair!  My daughter not only didn't get to run outside and play in the sunshine, her sweet face never got be touched by sunlight, ever.  Now that isn't fair!  It isn't fair that my most vivid memory of my sweet beautiful daughter is watching her turn blue in my arms.  That isn't fair!  So I am angry because I still believe that she and I deserve better!  We deserved a lifetime, not 4 days.  Four days is not a lifetime! 
It just isn't fucking fair!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

**sigh**

This weekend is Bowling for Babies.  I am very excited for the event and also excited for it to be over.  I am ready to relax.  If you haven't already done so you can donate to Quinn's Pins at www.bowlingforbabies.net or, if you are in the area please join us!  If you don't want to bowl you can stop by for our silent auction! 

I also want to send a thank you to whoever you are in or around St Louis.  We received your card, thank you!!!! 
And because I am sad and angry I am going to attach a couple of the memorials I did for Quinn for this weekend... looking at that sweet face can always make me smile. 

I love you so much my sweet Quinn-Bean!!!  I can't wait for the day where I see you again!!! 

Easter

So, Easter sort of sucked for me this year. I had a great time with Ashlyn. She was excited to get her basket, and had fun at the breakfast with the Easter Bunny though she did not go see him. She thought he was so cool until it was actually time to go up there. Then it was that moment where she looks at you with the shock in her eyes as if to say, “Really? Really? You really expect me to go up to that demented looking bunny and actually sit on his lap?   Really? You have apparently lost your ever loving mind!”
I, being the softy that I am, did not force her, So we ended up with this picture:

Rather than something like this:

She had a good time decorating her cookie

And at both of her egg hunts:

But all the while there are pieces of me missing. I smile and genuinely enjoy this time with my oldest daughter but at the same time I am desperately missing my youngest. I look back at Steve while we are on the egg hunt and while there is a stroller next to him it isn’t our stroller. It isn’t our daughter lying in that stroller while her big sister goes and gets candy just to come back and taunt her with all of the goodies that she isn’t old enough to eat yet. It isn’t my daughter because my daughter is lying cold in the ground, dead.

I think that this holiday has hit me harder for a couple reasons…. For one, I am over the initial shock. Christmas is one giant fucking blur. I have no idea what we did or how in the hell I ever lived through it. No fucking clue! But now, time has passed and memories have faded and I am forced to really face what is going on. This is also the first holiday that last year our little Bean was a part of. I knew I was pregnant and knew that it was our last Easter as a family of 3, we would be a complete little family of 4 but yet here we are a year later and we aren’t. Last year we had eggs for our Bean:

And this year I just have one that says "Momma loves Quinny" (sorry, I didn't get a picture of it yet and I am too lazy to do it right now)

Rather than having 2 Easter baskets from the Easter Bunny we have one.
We couldn’t show Ashlyn how brave her baby sister was because she would sit on the bunny’s lap. I imagine what it would be like to have both of my girls in their car-seats on the way to Papa and Nana’s house for Easter but instead when I look back the seat is empty where my Quinn should be.  Every time I look in that backseat I am reminded of what should be and isn't.  It isn't so much what is that is painful it is what isn't.  The fact that I can go to the indoor water park with my sister-in-law and our 3 kids..... I shouldn't be able to because there is no way in hell that we could have a 4 month old, 3 month old, 2 year old, and 6 year old.  No way in hell!  But there we were, having a blast because my baby girl isn't here to keep me at home with her.  There is my empty backseat screaming at me that my daughter is dead.  This is the hard part.  It isn't so much looking at her pictures or anything like that it is the normal everyday things that shouldn't be normal or easy because I should have an almost 2 year old and a 4 month old and nothing is easy with two children under 2! 

Still here

Phew, it has been forever!  I am still hanging in there I have just been crazy busy lately.  I have barely had time to breath let alone blog.  For right now I am liking my crazy schedule.  I know eventually I will have to slow down but for right now it is helping me get through. 

Today Steve, Ash, and I went to visit Quinney and decorate her grave.  It was such a gorgeous day!  75+ degrees in the middle of March, yes please!  We got a large urn to plant some flowers in and then a little Easter sign.  After we got all of the flowers planted Ashlyn and I blew some bubbles for Quinney =) 

I have been doing pretty well lately with keeping things together and not having too many break downs.  I did have one the other day when I was getting ready for crop.  I had to get all of my pictures of Ashlyn ready which meant that I also had to go through the ones I had printed of Quinn.  That was hard.  It is one thing to look at the pictures on the computer but it is another to hold them in your hand.  We have LOTS of pictures of her around the house but none from the night that she was born.  Looking at my sweet little baby in the minutes after her birth and just remember all of the emotions that I went through.  The relief that she was here and alive and the sheer terror that she could leave at any second.  The pride that I had just given birth to a 9 pound 13 ounce baby, only pushing for 10 minutes!  The love that was bursting from my heart for my sweet baby girl who was such a fighter that as soon as they put her on my belly for that second that I got to see her, she was already grabbing my finger.  So many emotions in those moments and to hold the pictures in my hands was really rough. 
It just reminded me of everything that I lost. 

I know that I am doing well.  Better than I thought even but I am not OK.  I will never be OK.  I hurt and I cry and I miss my daughter so so very much!  So much! 

I promise I am going to try and start updating more frequently again.  This week is going to be a hard one with the memorial on Monday and then Precious Parents on Tuesday.  We also have a Mass for Quinney on Saturday so I do believe that this will be a tear-filled week.