Names

Names. Have we discussed names?

Our boy name we have had picked out since before we had Ashlyn. Now, with every pregnancy I tend to freak out about it and start searching high and low for other boy names but always come back to this same one.
Casey Andrew.

We actually started with Casey John. Which is Steve's middle name. And his brother's middle name. And his dad's name, both grandpas…. Lots of Johns. Then Steve decided that he doesn't really like John so it was out. Steve always liked Andrew but I don't. Not as a first name. I am okay with the full name, Andrew, but I do not like Andy or Drew at all so it was out for a first name choice.


Now for the girl. A while before we got pregnant I was watching The Voice, with my boyfriend Adam, have I mentioned my love for Adam Levine before? It is true love! Anyway…..
I was watching my boyfriend and there was a girl that came on named Adlee.
I loved it.
The day that we found out that I was pregnant I was looking up names and the very first name that I pulled up was Adlee, with that spelling and at the bottom it said that if you like this name you might also like Quinn. Well, I was sold. I mean basically Quinn was telling me that was the girl name we were supposed to use. I did go back and forth for a while on spelling, Adlee, Adley, Adleigh… but ultimately came back to Quinn's spelling. Now, the problem is in the middle name. We just can not agree! Can't! Neither of us will give up our choice. So, what is your vote?

Adlee Elizabeth
Or
Adlee Mae
　
Yes, I know, they are both pretty, but….... One is better, lol!
We like the old fashion type of name with our other girls being Grace and Elise. So, what is your choice? Maybe Bee is a boy and it won't matter, but just incase…....
If this is a girl we might have to fight to the death because we just both won't give! So vote your choice…. But make sure you vote for mine! =)

Busy Buys Bee

Bee has a very busy week this week! Today is my normal midwife appointment. Today it is with Laura so I am a bit anxious. Laura is the midwife who delivered Quinn and I haven't seen her since that day. I am excited to see her because she is fabulous but then a little nervous too. I am also anxious to find out what the heart rate is. You know, that old wives tale that high is a girl, low is a boy. Quinn was actually always rather low, well compared to Ashlyn that is. Ashlyn was always in the 160s and Quinn tended to be low 150s.
Only about 3.5 days until we will know! Eeekkkk!!! Right now I am VERY anxious for our 20 week ultrasound tomorrow. thank God it is first thing in the morning. I am so freaking nervous! For one, the ultrasound is with Dr Stewart who is the same doctor that told us of Quinn's condition. I am scared. I am looking forward to seeing my Bee but at the same time I am dreading it. I am so nervous that there could be something wrong! Ugh! We have not yet had a real ultrasound so I haven't had a chance to see this baby at all really. I have no idea what is going on in there. The first ultrasound was so early that there was barely the flutter of a heartbeat. The second ultrasound was just a quick one to see the heartbeat since Dr Douche (love you Emily) couldn’t find it with the doppler. I didn't get to see anything other than there was a baby and yes, there was a heartbeat. So, this will be the first time that I will actually get to really get a look at my baby. I just pray that all of the pieces and parts are there and that everything looks just as it should! I am so anxious to know for sure that Bee is healthy and happy in there and I get to plan on keeping him or her forever!
Him or Her? So, what do you think? I still don't know. I just don't know. I have all along hoped that we were having another girl and I will admit that I still do. I am very much okay with us having a boy too, though. Really, I am. The thought is growing on me and I know that as long as they are healthy I will happy! Whether it is a boy or a girl I can tell you that they are an active little Bee! I never felt Ashlyn or Quinn until after 20 weeks but this one I have been feeling for a while. I just didn't admit it right away. I have this crazy thing that I am afraid to admit that I am feeling them because what if I go to the doctor and they tell me that they aren't there? Then I am crazy because I thought I was feeling them…. Yeah, I know, I have problems, I know this! I am going to go ahead and admit that I am indeed feeling this little Bee though and it makes me smile every time I feel that little pop!
So, that is it. Busy week with appointments and then getting ready for the party on Sunday. I. can't. wait. I would love to just cheat and have the tech tell Steve and I tomorrow but I won't. I think it will be so much fun to have the excitement of finding out surrounded with our friends and family and especially with Ashlyn there! She is going to be such an amazing big sister to Bee just as she is to Quinn!

A little comparison

18 weeks now and 18 weeks with Ashlyn.  I didn't have one with Quinn. 
I can see that I am carrying slightly higher this time around.... I can also see that I was very very pale when I was pregnant with Ashlyn.  Thank you Myrtle Beach! 

 

 

So, seeing as I am 18 weeks (seriously, how am I already 18 weeks??), that means that the big ultrasound is in less than 2 weeks!  I am honestly dying!  I have been waiting since July 20th of last year to be able to go baby shopping so I think that it is appropriate to say that I am dying to go shopping!!!  Before I can go shopping though we need to have our big reveal party!!!   We are combining the reveal with our annual Browns kickoff party!  Here is the invite that I made... I must say, I love how it turned out!  Love it!

Having the invite done made me all the more excited for the party!  I am even more excited for the ultrasound!  I can't wait to see my baby! 
So, what is your guess?  Boy or girl? 
I can't really gauge myself.
Besides the obvious of wanting a healthy baby, I am hoping for a girl.  I lost my daughter and though no other baby can ever replace her I still want another girl.  I pictured Ashlyn and her sister growing up together, fighting, sharing...   Now, let me reiterate that I KNOW that no baby, boy or girl, will ever replace Quinn but that doesn't make me not wish for a girl. 
I will, of course, be happy with a healthy baby of either gender but a girl can hope.

 I will also admit that I know full well that this is most likely a boy and I am very prepared for that fact but until those blue balloons go floating up, I will hold onto that hope that they just might be pink. 

15 year reunion

Saturday was my 15 year reunion.  It was a good time.  I am sure it would have been a little more fun had I not been completely sober but still, good time.  I mingled but not as much as I could have... again, I was completely sober! 
There were a couple of people there that mentioned Quinn and the blog.  I guess I forget that there are actually people out there that read this.  I guess in my mind it is just like a diary hidden under my bed where I can go to put all of my inner thoughts.  The good, the bad, the fucked up, all of it, just out there.  I forget that it is actually all out there!  It is very surreal to know that people actually read my words.  I don't know how I feel about it.  I guess at times I feel... exposed. 
But that was the point right... to be exposed.  To tell it all - the ugly, the painful, the good things, and the bad.  Expose all of my deep crazy fucked up-ness in the hopes that maybe, just maybe, my words would help someone else.  Maybe there is another mom who has lost their baby and my words will help them not feel alone, not feel crazy because maybe they are just as lost as me.  Or maybe my words will simply make someone appreciate all that they have.  Make them look at their children in a new light.  Each and every one of our children are a mirical, a gift!  On those days that they are driving you crazy, just absolutly pull your hair out crazy, you remember that some of us do not get to be driven crazy by our kids and make you appreciate them all the more.  I hope.  I hope that my words help you in some small way because then it makes it worth it.  It makes all of these words that I pour out actually matter.

Beach pictures

It was a little rough the day that we got there but still beautiful!

Honestly, does it get any cuter?  I didn't think so!  Those eyes!  I die!

Beautiful sunrise from the balcony of our condo.  Only problem was that it did not actually come up over the ocean.  I mean really.... what the heck!  I

Again, I die!  Such a gorgeous girl!

My little fish floating around!  She did fabulous and was perfectly happy just floating around kicking her little legs to get where she wanted to go!  I am thinking that swim lessons are in our very near future!  Just hoping that I can fit in a swim suit for another 8 weeks!! 

Woo hoo!  Catch me Daddy!!!  One of the few times that she would actually jump to him, only because I made her so I could get the picture!  Totally worth it though!!

This is my absolute favorite picture from our week at the beach!  I LOVE IT!

 

Momma, Ashlyn, and Bee at put-put golf

Yum, some ice-cream!

Daddy and Ashlyn outside of Wonderworks.  It was a neat place to go but just a bit too advanced for Ash.  I think this is something that we should have waited to do until she was like 7 or 8.

 

Fun times at the Alligator Adventure

Our little family!

9 months - a gift

9 months ago today I met my beautiful Quinn!



And to celebrate my daughter's 9th month birthday I received this....

 

 

 

 

The final sketch of Quinn's headstone!!! 

 

It took 3 different sketches but I think I am happy.  I think....  I am.  It is perfect.  She is my butterfly and there is one for each day that she was with us.  The quote is perfect.  Everything is perfect yet I still got all panicky when I gave the final approval.  This is it, so final.  There are very few things that I get to do for my daughter now that she is gone.  I got to plan her funeral and how I wanted people to remember her, and frankly, I think we did a damn good job!  I got to pick out the only outfit that she would ever wear and now I get to pick what will be her marker forever.  It is really one of the last tangible things that I get to do for her and with that over I feel..... I feel.... sad.  Very sad!

 

I miss my Bean.  More than I ever thought possible, I miss my Bean!

 

I would like to thank Memorials of Angels for donating this headstone to Quinn and our family!  Please, if you have a couple of extra dollars to spare, please donate to this wonderful organization! 

 

Happy 9 month birthday Quinn Elise!  I love you my sweet darling baby!

 

Back from vacation!

I swear that I am going to get around to posting some pictures for the beach here soon. We had an absolutely wonderful time on vacation with the family!
It started out a little rocky…. apparently you have to tell the GPS NORTH
Myrtle Beach and not just Myrtle Beach…. We ended up at 3150 N Ocean BLVD no problem… except that the problem was, it wasn't our condo. Which was quite clear as soon as you looked at the place. I mean either my in-laws have been holding out on the fact that they won the lottery prior to booking this place or we were clearly not in the correct location! Well, turns out that we were about 20 minutes away from where we should have been. There were a few tense moments there…. okay, okay, tense is an understatement. I am highly surprised that Ashlyn wasn't dropping the F-bomb after that little fiasco. Sweet little child was giving me everything she could to comfort me as I was crying and no longer talking to Steve after screaming "That is the fucking address I put in" and it was… minus the North part. Hey, no one told me!
So puppy, blanket, her sippy cup, and her "hippo" (otherwise known as a pillow - she might be slightly confused on this one…) rode with me in the front for the rest of the trip.
We did finally make it to the correct condo and it was very nice, I mean there was no fountain and you wouldn't mistake if for a hotel in Las Vegas, but still, very nice! The week was wonderful. We had fabulous weather and had a great time just relaxing and just doing whatever we wanted to do! I promise, pictures are coming soon!!!
Now that we are home from vacation I am desperately trying to get life back to normal and still failing miserably. We just can't seem to stop running.
Tuesday was the Precious Parents meeting that I thought I had missed while we were on vacation. I missed both June and July and I was so thrilled when I realized that I got to go this month. I desperately needed that Quinn time. It is so nice to just get to think of my Bean and talk about her. Just saying her name makes me feel better! I miss her so very very much and I don't get to say her name near enough! I say Ashlyn probably 100 times a day and really, there are days that I don't say Quinn once. How sad is that! I needed that meeting! Apparently we all did because we ended up not leaving until just after 11:00! As much as I needed that Quinn time, in regards to Bee, it is hard. I am already a freak about this pregnancy and not fully convinced that there is a baby in there at all… yes, I know I have heard the heartbeat and in no way fit in normal cloths anymore but still……
Listening to everyone else brag about their babies does instill all that fear that you just never know! I want to go back to being naïve. I want to go back to believing that you get pregnant, make it past the 12 week mark and you are home free. You are then guaranteed to bring home a healthy happy baby. Or maybe the baby wont' be happy, maybe they will be colicky but you still go home with that screaming little being. But that isn't always the case. Babies die and sometimes always for no good reason! I still don't understand it. I cherish each and every person in my support group. I appreciate that they "get it" and they don't flinch when I say my daughter's name or look away when I cry but I hate that I have to know them at all. Hate it! I hate that I know that there is no guarantee that I will get to go home with a baby. All I can do is hold onto hope that this time we will be one of the lucky ones!
Next post, pictures of the beach, I promise!!