Thursday, October 20, 2011

Faking it

Things have been so crazy busy lately. Steve and I are lucky if we have one night a week where we are both at home. I could so use a few days to just sit and do nothing! We both are very much looking forward for our time at the Ritz to do just that, nothing! He asked what we were going to do and I told him I would be perfectly happy to lay in bed! I know that we will do a little more than that but honestly, that is all I want to do. I need some down time before Quinn arrives because I don't know what her arrival will bring.
Being as busy as we have been not only makes me extremely exhausted but it also causes a whole other issue. Seeing as I am most obviously pregnant I get a lot of comments. People love babies which means that they love pregnant ladies too. This was one of my favorite parts of being pregnant with Ashlyn, I loved how nice everyone was to me and how they asked about the baby. This is now something I dread while being pregnant with Quinn. 99% of the time I fake it. I just give them what they want to hear. I tell them that it is a girl and her name is Quinn Elise and yes, we are so excited to be expecting another girl, blah blah blah. It is torture but it is easier than telling the truth. The few times I do tell the truth I get that pity look and then the awkward silence. I can't take it so I have to lie and fake being happy and it sucks.
This weekend was especially hard. I went to an overnight scrapbook weekend. It was a fabulous time and I needed it desperately. Just to hang out with friends and family and not think about anything was wonderful expect when I got the comments. Seeing as I was sitting in a room with all woman it was bound to happen that someone would ask about the baby. One lady pointed out that I was pregnant and asked the normal stuff, boy or girl, name…. I gave short answers but what am I supposed to say….. She probably thought it was a little odd but oh well. Another girl asked and just went on and on. She has 3 girls and how wonderful it is and how girly her house is, blah blah blah. I was so close to just blurting it out but I didn't want it to get around the room and then get pity looks from everyone the rest of the weekend. The oddest encounter was after we left the crop and went to dinner at Fridays. It was very late but it was packed. Before we left my sister and I went to the rest-room. As soon as I came out there was a girl sitting at her table who looked like she was just waiting for me. She asked me if I was having twins which I told her no. She seemed shocked. She asked when I was due and finished the question with, "any day now?". I said no that I was not due until December. Her and her friends were all surprised and said again how huge I was. Then she asked me December what. When I replied with December 5th I got the strangest response I have gotten yet… she asked me if she could touch my belly and pray for my baby. Odd. I didn't know what to say so I said yes so she did just that. At this point I am cracking up laughing, it is either laugh or cry so I laughed. She continued to pray and while I am laughing her friend asked me if I believe in the power of prayer. I told her that I did but I am sure she was wondering why the hell I was laughing then but what on earth am I supposed to do? I guess she wanted to pray for her because 12/5 is her birthday day.
I do feel at times that I am doing Quinn and all children with Trisomy a disservice when I don't tell them about her disorder. They aren't really getting to know my Quinn if they don't know they are just hearing about a baby that doesn't exist. My Quinn isn't your average baby and she never will be. She is special and has touched my heart in a way that I never thought was possible and am I robbing these people from that if I don't tell them? I don't know but the look that I see in their eyes when I do tell them the truth makes it to hard to face it. So I keep my secret and let them believe that I am a happy pregnant lady who's only complaint is that her back hurts and her ankles are swollen.


Anonymous said...

Sometimes I feel like by telling someone my story, I'm giving away a piece of my heart to them, so I can't always do it. I don't know why I've felt that way but I do. It leaves me exposed and I'm not always up for it.


KatieMGreen said...

i know exactly how you feel. And I haven't figured it out. 99% of the time I just give the answers, shortly, and go on. I know what you mean by the look on peoples faces. We already have had to see that look so many times just telling people we know... so I don't want the awkardness of people I'll never see again. AND sometimes, I just don't want to talk about it any more than I already do. It makes me sad, but then I also like that I get to acknowledge her at all and that she's still with us.
So... I don't know what to say except I am right there with you :) :)
Yall have a good weekend!!!

joe said...

I know how you feel even though our situations are different. My neighbors don't know about any problems and we just act like all is OK when they ask about him. Sometimes you feel like you are harboring a big dark secret. They talk about school 5 years from now, but your doctor says he won't live 2 months. Tell them? Or just smile and pretend everything is OK. Who's more sane, the neighbors or the doctors. I feel myself somewhere in between.

joe said...

On the radio, the preacher said sometimes you are given a diagnosis. They will tell you two months or one year. Or perhaps longer. But, if you live like all has been lost, you are dead already. I feel this way at times. If we lose hope our son are already gone

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