Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Rough night

Yesterday was just one of those days.  I just couldn't shake the sadness that was nipping at me.  As long as I was busy I was okay but sit for one second and the tears were right there.  I made it through work, making dinner, cleaning up, but as soon as I sat down in Ashlyn's playroom to watch her play the tears were right there and I hate to cry in front of her.  I decided that I would leave her with Daddy and take a long hot shower.  I sat in the tub with the hot water hitting me and just let the tears come.   I allowed myself to just be consumed in the sadness.  I don't do this very often because it is very hard to crawl my way back out from the all consuming grief but I needed it last night.  I asked over and over again "why".  Why my daughter?  Why my family?  Why me?  Part of the "why me" is that I hurt.  Obviously I hurt emotionally but I also hurt physically.  Being hugely pregnant is not comfortable and Quinn has been killing my ribs for weeks now.  My back is killing me to the point where I have a hard time lifting my leg at times.  It hurts to try and bend because she is breech and right there digging into me.  I just all around hurt and you know what, it sucks!  It sucks that I am going through all of this physical pain and discomfort and I can't even say that it will all be worth it.  Of course it will be worth it that I will get to meet Quinn but that isn't enough.  I don't want to meet her and then be forced to say goodbye.  Or if we are lucky have to watch her fight for life in the NICU for weeks and weeks.  I don't want this to be my life  I want back what I was SUPPOSED to get! 
After crying for what seemed like forever in the shower I got out and put on a happy face to put Ash to bed.  As soon as she was down I went straight to my bed to cry myself to sleep. 
I know that I have to let myself be sad and cry but it is hard to face everything too.  It is so much easier to go on about my normal life and push the feeling back and try to be normal. 

We met with our counselor again on Monday.  She said that from what she can see we are doing remarkably well and she can really see that we have our priorities where they should be.  Right now that is taking care of us, as in Steve and I.  Ashlyn will always be taken care of but if we do not put an effort into it our relationship will not be.  We decided that once a week we want to do something just the two of us.  I also booked us a room at the Ritz in Cleveland for a night away before Quinn is born.  Once she is born regardless of the outcome we will be so consumed in her and our own feelings that we won't have the time for each other so we need to be sure that we get to spend as much time together now as possible.  Now I just need Quinn to stay put until after our stay! 


Miranda said...

You're so right to take those moments and let the sadness consume you. I have learned through this that no matter how well we can fake a happy face and stuff down our feelings - that sadness (and anger and depression and bitterness) is inevitably going to make it's way to the surface. Dealing with it as it comes is so healthy. We are going to counseling too and I am seeing things rear their ugly heads from the time my parents got a divorce - things I never dealt with. Let it out girl - take that time for you and encourage Steve to do the same. James put on a happy face and now it's come back around and hit him hard.

I'm so glad you guys are getting some time away for just the two of you. I hope it is an amazing time. Meghan, I am so so sorry you are going through this and know that you are on my heart and in my thoughts daily. You can do this! Take it one day at a time and know you're not alone in your pain!

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