Exactly 2 years ago today my life changed forever. After a year of trying, many broken hearts, too many doctor visits and tests, and a round of fertility drugs, I found out that I was pregnant. I was ecstatic and terrified. I was so afraid that something might happen and I might loose the pregnancy. I prayed and prayed and prayed that we would have a healthy happy baby. 20 weeks later we went for our "big ultrasound". I was a complete nervous wreck. A friend of mine had found out at her 20 week ultrasound that her baby had Potter's Syndrome and that there was no chance of survival. With this still being very fresh in my mind I was terrified that something might be wrong with my baby as well. Thankfully, our ultrasound showed a healthy baby girl and we couldn't have been happier.
When we got pregnant with Quinn everything was different. We weren't really trying to get pregnant at all. We figured that it would once again be difficult for us to get pregnant so when we did so fast it was sort of hard for me to take in. I knew that I was but then I also couldn't really wrap my head around the idea of it. Our children would only be 18 months apart and that was also hard to imagine. As hard as it was to accept the idea I was still thrilled that we would be completing our family. Our plan all along was 2 and done so this was it. This was my last hurrah.
When we found out about Quinn's diagnosis I felt guilty and I told Steve that I wondered if it was because I didn't pray enough for her to be healthy. I was so consumed with fear with Ashlyn that something would go wrong but with Quinn I just took it for granted that she would be healthy. Everything was so easy with Ashlyn that I assumed that it would be easy with Quinn too. I didn't beg God to make her healthy like I did with Ash and I wondered if that was why this was happening. Even after we found out that we were high risk for Down Syndrome I still didn't pray like I had with the first pregnancy. I know that God didn't give Quinn this disorder because of me. I know that in my mind but sometimes in my heart I still feel that guilt. I can't go back and even if I could it wouldn't change anything. My baby would still have this genetic disorder and I would still be heartbroken for her and for us.
2 years ago today I became a mom to one baby. Today I am a mom to 2 baby girls who I love more than life itself. I would give absolutely anything to switch places with Quinn but I can't. There is absolutely nothing I can do for my Quinn-bean except love her with everything I have and that is exactly what I am doing.
4 comments:
We felt a lot like you. Wondering what we could have done. Maricel worried that she worked for too long. I worried that something we did, ate wrong, exposure to chemicals or whatever that caused this. Maricel asked me, "I prayed every day that our baby would be healthy and normal," so how did this happen? But then it finally dawned on me. This happened at the moment of conception. All those things we worried we did wrong would have had no effect because Trisomy 13 happened those first few seconds of conception. There's nothing you could have done to change anything after that.
One thing you should understand. Down Syndrome is a triple chromosome 21, similar to Trisomy 13, but a completely different chromosome disorder. Quinn's not going to have both. Most likely they have warned you that Trisomy 13 babies are at risk for mental or physical retardation. It's not quite the same thing as Down Syndrome. 85% that have retardation can function and live on their own. They will not have the physical characteristics of Down Syndrome. Trust me, I worried about the same thing, but you'll quickly learn that mostly what those doctors are saying is that it could take your baby longer to walk or crawl than normal, or have a lower IQ. They told us the same thing with Troy. In our case, he seems to be taking 1 month longer for physical stuff, but mentally is passing all goals, despite being high risk.
Don't worry, be happy :)
With love,
Joe and Maricel
Hi Joe and Maricel. Thank you for the comment and for reading my blog! I just wanted to clarify that when I said we were told we were high risk for Down Syndrom that this was prior to our diagnosis of T13. We were informed that we were high risk for DS due to our NT scan. We did NOT show any signs of being high risk for Trisomy 13 / 18 at that time. When we found out about the increased risk for DS we declined the amnio but agreed to have a level 2 ultrasound at 20 weeks. It was here that we were advised that we were most likly having a T13/18 baby and then decided to have the amnio to confirm.
I am so glad to hear that Troy is doing so well. I pray that we are as blessed with Quinn as you have been with your Troy.
Oh, I see! I just didn't want you to worry about anything else more than you already worry about. God bless tomorrow on your ultrasound. We check back often to see how you are doing and look forward to seeing Quinn born safe and sound.
I hear you sister. Loud and clear.
It took me a long time to be able to let go of the guilt that there was something I could have done to change what happened. I think it's part of the bargaining process of grief in a way--but in the end, no matter if you would have worried or prayed more, the decision was already made. I'm so sorry that you're on the bad end of an awful statistic.
xoxo, Meghan O
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