Friday, September 30, 2011

Sorry that it has been a while, this week has been crazy busy. 

Wednesday was my 32nd birthday.  I had a great day but it was clouded in sadness.  Steve went out of his way to make it a wonderful day for me.  Ashlyn stayed the night at Renee's (her baby-sitter) house.  Steve and I went to dinner at Carrabba's.  It was delicious!  The only problem was that they sat a table of 11 women right behind us.  One of these woman had a very small baby with her.  A very small baby with a full head of hair.  I tried my best to ignore them but it was very hard.  At one point Steve asked me if was bothering me and I nearly lost it.  I didn't want to cry and did my best not to.  Sometimes I am fine to see other babies but every once in a while it is just hard.  I think it was particularly hard that day because I was already feeling a little down.  As much as I was trying to enjoy my birthday since I LOVE birthdays I was still feeling a little down.  Here I am turning 32 and nothing is as planned.  I should be happy and excited that I am 32 and my life is right where it should be but instead it is anything but.  I am supposed to be planning my life with Steve and my girls but I can't do that.  At 32 I should not know such profound sadness.  At 32 I should not be planning for my daughter's birth and death.  As much as I tried to keep these thoughts away it wasn't easy. 
After dinner, we went home and Steve gave me my birthday present.  He got me a Pandora bracelet with charms that spell out both our babies' names.  It is beautiful.  It is the perfect gift. 

Thursday was my normal checkup with my midwife.  I gave her my birth plan and we talked a bit about that.  I showed her Quinn's 3D ultrasound and we talked about how I had been feeling.  I told her that as of the ultrasound Quinn is breech.  I told her how I feel like she is big.  It is a different feeling than with Ash because she is breech and I do not have the pelvic pressure but I am very uncomfortable and she just feels big.  This is right about the time that she did my measurement and she said said that "wow, you are measuring HUGE".  I asked her to define huge and I am measuring 36 weeks.  Yikes.  Seeing as I am only 30 weeks and 3 days at this point this isn't really good.  Not really sure why I am measuring so large at this point.  We did schedule a growth ultrasound with Dr Stewart for 10/5 and hopefully we will get some answers at that point.  I let Julie, our case worker in the fetal treatment center, know and she is going to try and make it to the ultrasound as well.  I am anxious and nervous for the ultrasound but I am sure that will end up a post all it's own. 

Today I feel like crap.  I am not sure if it is because I am an idiot and took my iron pill on an empty stomach or what.  Either way I will not make that mistake again.  My stomach felt horrible, well still does actually.  I worked until a little after 1 and then went home.  As soon as I got home I went straight to bed and stayed there until Steve and Ashlyn got home.  After they got home I did force myself to get up and play for a bit.  I am desperately hoping that I will feel better tomorrow, especially since our maternity pictures are tomorrow which the weather is NOT cooperating for. 


Anonymous said...

On my 30th birthday, I had a complete and total sobbing meltdown. Like ugly uncontrollable tears in the middle of Las Vegas and had to be driven home sobbing, where I cried all night. I was supposed to be pregnant and preparing for a baby, not with one already delivered, cremated, and home on a shelf.

At some point I picked up (or made up... I really don't know) the mantra, Today is what it is, not what was 'supposed to be.' It ended up being very helpful when trying to talk myself out of many a meltdown on important dates along the way. I hope you find something that brings you comfort soon.

xoxo, MO

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