Monday, September 12, 2011

The outfit arrived.....

Friday night was a rough night.  All day I was looking forward to going shopping for the play room but after we did I just felt empty.  Like it wasn't enough.  It wasn't everything that I wanted it to be.  We didn't get the cube shelf thing because my brother in law was going to make it for me but he hasn't yet so I still can't really set anything up.  I totally understand that he has his own life and it certainly doesn't resolve around me but I was really hoping to have it for our Browns party so the room could be somewhat done.  So after we left Target I just felt down.  I know that it really didn't have anything to do with the shelf and it has everything to do with Quinn.  I want to do the playroom but I still feel cheated that I am not doing a nursery instead.  I hate that I am settling for a play room instead.  My mood that evening also had a lot to do with the fact that I got Quinn's outfit in the mail.  I opened the package showed Steve and out we went.  I appeared to be fine but inside my heart was breaking..  The outfit is perfect.  It is sweet, soft, thick, and adorable and it was haunting me.  This was the first thing that we have in the house that is hers.  It isn't something that Ashlyn used and Quinn would get to this is hers and hers alone.  I was holding the outfit that my daughter could very well be buried in and the thought of that was breaking my heart.  Every time I looked at or thought of the outfit my heart broke a little more.  I don't know how to face living in a world with out my daughter.  I don't want to face living in a world with out my daughter.  Unfortunately, I don't get that choice.  I went to bed that night holding onto the outfit with tears streaming down my face.  When Steve came to bed he told me that it was just cotton it wasn't her.  She iswith me right now alive.  I put the outfit on the night stand and finally fell asleep. 


Miranda said...

I am so sorry for the sadness and pain you are going through. My heart aches for you and I wish my little girls' death could have been the end to all Trisomy issues - that no more had to suffer. I can completely relate to these emotions you are having. Thank you for sharing your heart. You are such an amazing mommy to Quinn. She know's how much you love her! Thinking of you always and praying.

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