Thursday, September 22, 2011

Excuse me while I have a bratty moment

Today is a rough day.  I am sad.  That is it, just plain sad.  Steve and I are at odds right now and that just compounds the pain.  We aren't fighting but we aren't....  I don't even know how to put it.  I know that men and women grieve differently and I guess that is just what we are doing, grieving. 

Okay, warning - I am going to have a bratty moment here.....

I know that Steve is hurt and sad and angry and every other negative emotion under the sun just like I am.  It breaks my heart to see him hurting.  It breaks my heart to know that he might very well loose his little girl.  However, (here comes the bratty part) I don't think he realizes how much harder this is on me.  Not only do I have to face the very same knowledge that he does but I have to do it while pregnant.  I still have to wake up every day and face the world who assumes that I am your average pregnant lady.  I still get the comments asking when I am due and how exciting it is.  I also hear the comments to Ashlyn about how she will be a big sister.  It kills me.  I also have to face all of the pains of pregnancy.  The swollen feet / ankles, heartburn, rib pain, back pain, crappy sleep, peeing a million times a day, hormones.... I still have to face it all and I don't get to think it will all be worth it because in the end I will get my beautiful healthy baby.  I have to deal with it all knowing that my beautiful baby will most likely die and I will go home empty handed.  I have to face all of this on top of everything that he is facing and sometimes I just want to be babied.

Okay, bratty moment over. 


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