Today is a rough day. I am sad. That is it, just plain sad. Steve and I are at odds right now and that just compounds the pain. We aren't fighting but we aren't.... I don't even know how to put it. I know that men and women grieve differently and I guess that is just what we are doing, grieving.
Okay, warning - I am going to have a bratty moment here.....
I know that Steve is hurt and sad and angry and every other negative emotion under the sun just like I am. It breaks my heart to see him hurting. It breaks my heart to know that he might very well loose his little girl. However, (here comes the bratty part) I don't think he realizes how much harder this is on me. Not only do I have to face the very same knowledge that he does but I have to do it while pregnant. I still have to wake up every day and face the world who assumes that I am your average pregnant lady. I still get the comments asking when I am due and how exciting it is. I also hear the comments to Ashlyn about how she will be a big sister. It kills me. I also have to face all of the pains of pregnancy. The swollen feet / ankles, heartburn, rib pain, back pain, crappy sleep, peeing a million times a day, hormones.... I still have to face it all and I don't get to think it will all be worth it because in the end I will get my beautiful healthy baby. I have to deal with it all knowing that my beautiful baby will most likely die and I will go home empty handed. I have to face all of this on top of everything that he is facing and sometimes I just want to be babied.
Okay, bratty moment over.