Today I just feel blah. I came home from work and really just wanted to lay in bed and cry. I didn't but that was all I really wanted to do. Instead I went to dinner with Steve and my love-bug. Now we are home my love-bug is sleeping, okay should be sleeping, instead she is playing around in her crib. Some days it is hard to be away from her. There are times that she is the only thing that keeps me together. Tonight putting her to bed I told her how much I love her and it broke my heart to think that I might not get these moments with Quinn. I might not get to kiss her little cheeks and tell her that I love her more than she will ever know.
Today just hurts. I feel like I am surrounded by people having healthy babies. It isn't just that I feel like it, I am surrounded by people who are pregnant with healthy babies. My brother's step-daughter is due 4 weeks before me with a baby girl, my sister-in-law is due 4 weeks after me with a baby boy, my Aunt is due in April, a guy at work is having a baby girl shortly after me,.... they are everywhere. I would never ever wish this upon anyone but I can't help the thoughts of why me. Why are all of these people having healthy babies when I am not? Why me? Why my baby? What did we do to have this happen to us? Yesterday my niece's Aunt (on her mom's side) did the whole cute the cake party thing to find out that they she is having a girl. I should have got to have that moment. I had the food ready to go for the party, the cake ordered, the people invited yet all we got was the news that our baby wasn't healthy and that our baby very well might die. Why??? It isn't fair. Nothing is fair! I feel like a child. I want to throw myself at God's feet and kick and scream that it isn't fair. I want to scream that he is ruining my life and that I hate him. I want him to take it back! I want my baby to be healthy! I want to be planning her life not her death. I want it all back! I want the doctor to tell me that my baby is healthy too! I know that it is wrong to think like this but sometimes I just can't help it. Sometimes I just can't be strong anymore. Sometimes I just have to ask why! Unfortunately, there is no answer.