Hopeless

Last night after Ashlyn went to bed Steve and I were talking.  He was saying that it will do us no good to sit and dwell on the situation and cry.  I agree.  I think we are doing remarkably well in this situation.  We still get up, take care of Ashlyn and then keep ourselves busy.  We visit family, go swimming, go to birthday parties, we are still living.  We are even able to still laugh.  This is the most important for me.  If we do not find a way to keep our sense of humor then there is no way that we will survive this hell. 

Another thing that he said is that when he reads my blog I seem hopeless.  I am.  Not because I do not believe in miracles or because I do not believe that God can heal all things.  I am hopeless because it is the only way I know how to protect myself.  I can not hope for time with my Quinn because if I do not get it I will be even more lost.  All I can do is take each day as I get them and be thankful for them. 

Today will be the first day that we will go back to work after the ultrasound.  I am nervous and somewhat dreading it but then I am also sort of glad to be getting back to somewhat normal.  I am sure that there will be tears, I don't know when there will be a day without them but that is okay.  I am most nervous about the people that do not know and my reaction.  It is hard to tell people what is going on.  It is hard to explain it and it is hard to see their reaction.  I actually feel somewhat better when I am talking about it though.  I do not want people to ignore the situation but I also do not want pity.  Do I want prayers and well wishes, of course and I thank God that we are surrounded by so many wonderful people who care so much.  What I don't want is people to treat me like I might break.  Sure I might break down and cry all of a sudden when I see 2 little girls bikes on the side of the road because my girls will never get to go on a bike ride together, but I am not going to break.  Talking about it is almost therapeutic for me, I guess that is why rambling on and on here helps.

We should get the call from Dr Stewart this evening.  I am dreading it but I need to hear it.  We need to know exactly what it is we are facing and to what extent so that we can decide where it is that we go from here.  I know that for the most part our minds are made up but we still need all of the info before we can fully make that decision.  I think it will bring us some peace once we are able to get past this decision making process and somewhat move on with our lives into the next chapter, whatever that may be. 

Thank you all for the comments and well wishes on my face book page.  It means the world to Steve and I that we have so many people praying for our Quinn.  She is our angel and we love her so so very much.  No matter what we are very blessed and lucky that we get to be parents and know what true unconditional love us!