Sunday, July 24, 2011

Not Compatible with Life

The first day of our new hell was a bit of a blur. We told everyone the news and explained the situation to the best of our ability even though we didn't really even understand it ourselves. Once the shock wore off a bit the true hell began. I woke up around 4am bawling uncontrollably. This isn't a nightmare, this is real - I am really facing that I might not ever get to hold my daughter alive. How in the hell is this happening to us? I do not understand it. What did we do to deserve this? There is absolutely no way to put into words the feelings we have now. My heart is broken. My world is crashing around me. So much has been taken from us that I can not even fathom it.

Even though I said that I wasn't going to be doing any googling until after we heard the diagnosis, this is exactly where I found myself at 5am in the morning. I googled Triomy 18 and just read. It was heartbreaking. Trisomy = Not Compatible with Life. Of the symptoms that they list our Bean had 5 of them. At this point, there was really no doubt in my mind that this is what we were facing. I read the statistics that only 50% will be stillborn. Of those 50% only 10% will make it to their first birthday but I also read stories of those still living with the condition. Basically this condition makes what is a normal process for the body for most of us not normal. Breathing is not an automatic thing for these babies, it is work - it is suffering.
I read legacy pages of other children who did not survive. I read birth plans for parents who decided to carry to term. As I read my heart broke even more. It broke for the families that have already been through this and it broke for my family who was potentially about to.

I thought about what we would do if the doctor did indeed confirm that it is T18. Would we carry to term or would we say goodbye now? The doctor told us that this would be decision that we would be forced to make and we would not have a lot of time to make it. In the state of Ohio you only have until 24 weeks gestation to end a pregnancy. I was at 20 weeks and 2 days already. My initial thoughts were that I would want to say goodbye now. I didn't want to get attached even more than we already were - how could I and say goodbye? A part of me also just wanted this to be over so that we could get pregnant again and have a baby that God would allow us to keep.

I never knew that I could feel this level of sadness and still go on. Every cell in my body aches for what we could loose. I don't understand how or why this is happening and no matter how hard I try, I never will. There is no way to make sense of something this devastating. The only thing that I can say is that it fucking sucks. There is no way to put it nicely, it just fucking sucks!!


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