One of the hardest things in my mind was giving our daughter a name. We had a name picked out before we went to our ultrasound, Quinn Elise. I love this name. I imagined my beautiful Ashlyn and Quinn playing together, fighting together, and growing up to be best friends. I told Steve that the name was like a period; Meghan, Steve, Ashlyn and Quinn. It fit, and it it was the perfect ending to our little family. After getting this devastating news I didn't know that I could give up this name. I didn't want to give a baby that I wouldn't get to hold onto a name that I intended to get to use for the rest of my life. I know that it sounds selfish and I will admit that it is but that is how I felt. I knew that I had to name our baby but I just couldn't do it.
I knew that Steve wanted to name our baby Quinn Elise no matter what. As he put it, , she deserves everything that was intended for her no matter what. I knew he was right but I still couldn't face it. I told him that IF we decided to go full term that I would give her the name but I couldn't make that decision until we got the amnio results. In my head though, I was already calling her Quinn. I knew that was her name but I couldn't face it.
After reading more and more online about other families who went full term and also some on those who didn't I started to realize that I don't think that I can not see this through. I understand why some families choose to let go early and it isn't because it is easier. At first I thought that it would be but I have changed my mind. Regardless of when you say goodbye, you still have to say goodbye. It doesn't matter when it will still rip your heart out. For me, I think I have to know for sure that I did everything that I could for my daughter and that includes giving her a chance. I know that there is a VERY small chance that she could be one of those who would make it. I am not even hoping for that but just in case, I have to see it through. I am not hoping that she will be one of the children who make it to 30, I don't even know that I am hoping that I get a few hours with her. If I do I will be elated that I at least got to meet her before she made her journey to Heaven, but I can't hope for it. It will be too painful if it doesn't happen if I do.
After realizing all of this I finally admitted that my little Bean's name is Quinn Elise. It is beautiful just as she will be.