Sunday, July 24, 2011

Quinn Elise

One of the hardest things in my mind was giving our daughter a name. We had a name picked out before we went to our ultrasound, Quinn Elise. I love this name. I imagined my beautiful Ashlyn and Quinn playing together, fighting together, and growing up to be best friends. I told Steve that the name was like a period; Meghan, Steve, Ashlyn and Quinn. It fit, and it it was the perfect ending to our little family. After getting this devastating news I didn't know that I could give up this name. I didn't want to give a baby that I wouldn't get to hold onto a name that I intended to get to use for the rest of my life. I know that it sounds selfish and I will admit that it is but that is how I felt. I knew that I had to name our baby but I just couldn't do it.

I knew that Steve wanted to name our baby Quinn Elise no matter what. As he put it, , she deserves everything that was intended for her no matter what. I knew he was right but I still couldn't face it. I told him that IF we decided to go full term that I would give her the name but I couldn't make that decision until we got the amnio results. In my head though, I was already calling her Quinn. I knew that was her name but I couldn't face it.

After reading more and more online about other families who went full term and also some on those who didn't I started to realize that I don't think that I can not see this through. I understand why some families choose to let go early and it isn't because it is easier. At first I thought that it would be but I have changed my mind. Regardless of when you say goodbye, you still have to say goodbye. It doesn't matter when it will still rip your heart out. For me, I think I have to know for sure that I did everything that I could for my daughter and that includes giving her a chance. I know that there is a VERY small chance that she could be one of those who would make it. I am not even hoping for that but just in case, I have to see it through. I am not hoping that she will be one of the children who make it to 30, I don't even know that I am hoping that I get a few hours with her. If I do I will be elated that I at least got to meet her before she made her journey to Heaven, but I can't hope for it. It will be too painful if it doesn't happen if I do.

After realizing all of this I finally admitted that my little Bean's name is Quinn Elise. It is beautiful just as she will be.


Jaime Phene said...

Hi! I just wanted to say I am so sorry for what has happened. My daughter was born 2013, December 11th. Her name is Quinn Elise.
She was in nicu four days from a low heart rate. But came home with us and is so healthy and beautiful and smart. Please look me up on Facebook! I'd love to share pictures of her with you.

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