The outfit arrived.....

Friday night was a rough night.  All day I was looking forward to going shopping for the play room but after we did I just felt empty.  Like it wasn't enough.  It wasn't everything that I wanted it to be.  We didn't get the cube shelf thing because my brother in law was going to make it for me but he hasn't yet so I still can't really set anything up.  I totally understand that he has his own life and it certainly doesn't resolve around me but I was really hoping to have it for our Browns party so the room could be somewhat done.  So after we left Target I just felt down.  I know that it really didn't have anything to do with the shelf and it has everything to do with Quinn.  I want to do the playroom but I still feel cheated that I am not doing a nursery instead.  I hate that I am settling for a play room instead.  My mood that evening also had a lot to do with the fact that I got Quinn's outfit in the mail.  I opened the package showed Steve and out we went.  I appeared to be fine but inside my heart was breaking..  The outfit is perfect.  It is sweet, soft, thick, and adorable and it was haunting me.  This was the first thing that we have in the house that is hers.  It isn't something that Ashlyn used and Quinn would get to this is hers and hers alone.  I was holding the outfit that my daughter could very well be buried in and the thought of that was breaking my heart.  Every time I looked at or thought of the outfit my heart broke a little more.  I don't know how to face living in a world with out my daughter.  I don't want to face living in a world with out my daughter.  Unfortunately, I don't get that choice.  I went to bed that night holding onto the outfit with tears streaming down my face.  When Steve came to bed he told me that it was just cotton it wasn't her.  She iswith me right now alive.  I put the outfit on the night stand and finally fell asleep. 

Another doctor appointment

So today I had a doctor appointment.  I had to do the glucose test and then also have my regular check up.  Appointment was set for 8:30 but for whatever reason I didn't even get called back to get the stupid drink until 9:15.  Ugh.  As I sat there watching all of these pregnant ladies who are presumably pregnant with healthy babies it just sucked.  Sucked!  I went by myself figuring it was no big deal but the longer I had to sit there the more it sucked.  I tried to keep busy reading my book and texting  but it still just sucked.  I text Steve and told him that I felt like everyone knew and was looking at me when I came in.  I knew that this was complete ridiculous but still couldn't help but feel like that.  He text me back being reasonable telling me that no one was staring at me and they had no clue that my baby was just more special than theirs.  And... the tears fall.  So of course this is exactly when the lab decides to call my name.  So I am trying to nonchalantly wipe my eyes but I am sure that the woman thought that I was insane. 
So I drank the drink and then had to wait  an hour to have my blood drawn.  In the mean time I had my normal checkup scheduled.  Molly, my normal midwife wasn't available so I met with Theresa who is actually who delivered Ashlyn (15 months ago today!).  She was very sweet.  We discussed that Steve and I would like to have a fetal echo set up even though neonatology said that it wasn't absolutely necessary.  She said that her only concern would be insurance covering it.  So I guess I will be making some calls here soon to find out what we need to do to get it covered.  We also discussed getting another ultrasound scheduled.  We are wanting to have it set up with Dr Stewart so now that she is bigger we will get a better look at exactly what conditions she might have.  At my next appointment we will get that set up. 
Quinn's heart rate was right around 145 and I am measuring 3 weeks ahead of where I am.... measuring 30 weeks while I am currently 27w3d. 
So, I guess all in all it was a good appointment if you forget about the glucose test and having to wait for so long. 

We have been doing pretty well lately.  Keeping busy.  Got the house all decorated for fall and are getting ready for our Browns Kick Off party this weekend!  Today is the start of NFL Football.  I love this time of year!  I am looking forward to so much!  Apple orchards, pumpkin patches, trick or treating (Ashlyn is going to be a lady bug),  football.... I just love Fall!  I am also looking forward to having our maternity pictures taken next month.  We weren't going to have them done this time.  We did with Ash and one big belly is just like another right.... but after we found out about the diagnosis we wanted to do everything that we could to celebrate this pregnancy and have as many memories of it as possible.  This includes maternity pics.  To do something a little different this time we will be doing some of them outside.  I am super excited for them.
We also decided that we are going to get a 3D ultrasound done.  There is a place near Cleveland called Baby Waves that does it so I will be calling to make an appointment there soon.  I think it will be a great memory for us to have and hold onto! 

I also FINALLY got my act together enough to send out the friends and family letter.  We had both emailed it to all of our co-workers but now I mailed it to all family and friends.  A lot of people know already but it was easier to just send to everyone so that is what I did. 

So, I guess that is what we have been up to the past few days.  We have another busy weekend ahead of us which is always good.  Nice to keep our minds busy!

Yesterday morning we were laying in bed snuggling with Ashlyn.  I was feeling some kicks so I put Steve's hand on my belly.  He felt Quinney kick for the first time.  It honestly felt so wonderful to be happy and excited about a normal pregnancy moment.  I felt a real since of joy.  I am so glad that Steve can share in this pregnancy a little more now.  He will be able to feel her kick and share the joy of her moving and knowing that she is strong. 
Steve is still looking forward to her birth.  I am still dreading it.  When she is still with me she is safe (relatively speaking) and I can feel her moving and know she is alive.  When she is born I won't be able to keep her safe anymore.  I can't bear that thought.  I want to be able to always keep her safe and with me. 
I can also understand why Steve is looking forward to her being born.  I think we are both wanting to meet her and see her.  I know that she won't look like a perfect newborn but lets be honest here, most newborns are the prettiest.  Honestly most look like either an alien or a lizard.  Quinn may look different but she will still be our beautiful baby.  There are also so many unknowns that we will have to face when she is born.  We don't know when she might come since there is a good chance that she might be early.  We don't know what labor will be like.  We don't know if she will be born alive or still.  There is so much that we don't know.  If she is born alive we don't know if we will get only minutes, hours, days, or years with her.  At least once she is born we will get to start facing these unknowns and in one way or another we will start moving on.  No matter how scary that is. 

Taking a quick break from working.....

I am feeling pretty good today.  The past few days have been hard.  The days go by fine but then when I lay in bed at night I am overcome by sadness.  It sucks!  I lay in bed and feel my Quinney move and just wish that everything was different. 
I am currently taking a quick break from working on moving our bedroom upstairs (we have a cape cod) so that we can turn what is now our bedroom into the playroom for Ash.  I won't able to really do the playroom for a little while but at least we can get her toys and her playhouse in here.  This is the only room left that we have to take the wallpaper down in and that is a huge pain in the butt.  Eventually the wall paper will come down the room will be painted and it will be a proper playroom but for now it will do.  At least the toys will be more confined and we will be able to have our living room and basement rec room back! 
Once the playroom is done then we will tackle the upstairs..... it needs a lot of help.  We will need to stipple the ceiling, paint, and someday get new carpet up there.  Can we say 70s orange shag... it is awesome! 
It feels good to be productive and doing something to move forward.  I pray that Quinn will get to come home and we will be able to turn the playroom into a nursery but if that is not in God's plan then at least Ash will have a great place to play!  =) 
Enjoy your day and thank God for all of the blessings that you have in your life.  Even as I go through this I still thank God everyday for all that I do have in my life.  I have a wonderful Husband who loves me.  I have a beautiful daughter who is so sweet and such a fun spirit.  I have the best family and friends that anyone could ever hope for!  I am so blessed!  I just have to keep reminding myself that no matter how hard this journey is, I have much much more than I deserve and I have God to thank for that! 

Why me??

Today I just feel blah.  I came home from work and really just wanted to lay in bed and cry.  I didn't but that was all I really wanted to do.  Instead I went to dinner with Steve and my love-bug.  Now we are home my love-bug is sleeping, okay should be sleeping,  instead she is playing around in her crib.  Some days it is hard to be away from her.  There are times that she is the only thing that keeps me together.  Tonight putting her to bed I told her how much I love her and it broke my heart to think that I might not get these moments with Quinn.  I might not get to kiss her little cheeks and tell her that I love her more than she will ever know. 
Today just hurts.  I feel like I am surrounded by people having healthy babies.  It isn't just that I feel like it, I am surrounded by people who are pregnant with healthy babies.  My brother's step-daughter is due 4 weeks before me with a baby girl, my sister-in-law is due 4 weeks after me with a baby boy, my Aunt is due in April, a guy at work is having a baby girl shortly after me,.... they are everywhere.  I would never ever wish this upon anyone but I can't help the thoughts of why me.  Why are all of these people having healthy babies when I am not?  Why me?  Why my baby?  What did we do to have this happen to us?  Yesterday my niece's Aunt (on her mom's side) did the whole cute the cake party thing to find out that they she is having a girl.  I should have got to have that moment.  I had the food ready to go for the party, the cake ordered, the people invited yet all we got was the news that our baby wasn't healthy and that our baby very well might die.  Why???  It isn't fair.  Nothing is fair!  I feel like a child.  I want to throw myself at God's feet and kick and scream that it isn't fair.  I want to scream that he is ruining my life and that I hate him.  I want him to take it back!  I want my baby to be healthy!  I want to be planning her life not her death.  I want it all back!  I want the doctor to tell me that my baby is healthy too!  I know that it is wrong to think like this but sometimes I just can't help it.  Sometimes I just can't be strong anymore.  Sometimes I just have to ask why!  Unfortunately, there is no answer.

Did a little shopping

So today I bought Quinney an outfit.  I had planned on buying her a closet full but instead I am only buying a few select things.  I wanted to get her one perfect outfit.  This will be the outfit that she will come home in or be buried in.  I wanted something comfortable and sweet.  I ended up going with this.......

It is soft, nice and thick and reversible.  I think it will be perfect for my Quinn-bean!  Another reason that I went with this one was because I could get it in a 5-9 pound size so it isn't too huge on her. 
There are a few other things that I want to get her before she is born.

I am wanting to get this blanket for her....

Since I had planned to decorate her room in zebra with hot pink and bright green accent colors I think it is fitting. 

Because we plan to have her baptized as soon as she is born (or blessed if she should be stillborn) I want to get her this....

This rosary will be personalized with her name and is the same as the one that her big sister has. 
I am still deciding on the hat but for right now I am leaning towards this one...

I might very well change my mind and do a knit hat though.... Still thinking about that one.

So, these are the few things that I want to get for my Quinn-bean before she is born.  Now, I just have to find the money tree so I can get her all of this and work on the playroom!

My idea of Heaven

I was watching an old rerun of Sex in the City and Carrie asked Big what his idea of Heaven was.  His response was a big bed.  I completely agree.  Every morning, especially weekends, when Ash wakes up in the we bring her into our bed for her to have a bottle and then snuggle.  Sometimes she will go back to sleep which means that we can too and sometimes she doesn't.  The days that she doesn't she crawls around on us and laughs at Zeke, our dog.  This is my favorite time of the day.  I absolutely adore getting snuggle time with my Bug since she is far to busy during the day to be loved on.  This was one of the biggest things that I was looking forward to when we got pregnant with Quinn.  I (we) couldn't wait for our Bean to come and join us during our snuggle time in bed.  I feel like my heart is being ripped out when I think that we might not get this special time with our Bean.  She might not ever get to come snuggle with the 3 of us.  I might have to wait until we all get to Heaven to have that time with my Bean.  So, my idea of Heaven is a giant bed.