This is something that Steve and I have been discussing lately. Sadly, it seems that he has lost his. He is angry and doesn't understand how God can let innocent children be harmed like this. I can't say that I understand it either but it doesn't make me believe any less. I can understand Steve's anger and hurt right now. I have had to fight to keep my faith through this process. It would be easy to say that God has given up on me so I am giving up as well but I refuse to do that. From the very beginning of this journey I said that there were 2 things I wouldn't do. I wouldn't become a bitter person and I wouldn't blame God. Yes I have asked Him why a million times but I have not blamed him and I have certainly not become a bitter hateful person. I have had MANY struggles in my life and honestly if anyone has a right to question God's existence and His love it is me. I didn't have the picture perfect childhood but my Dad made it the best that he could and I have very found memories. Yes we struggled and yes there was loss and because of that I am the person that I am today but those events did not define me and neither will this. I am a strong person because of the life that I have lead and I will be even stronger because of this and so will my faith.
I honestly get very upset with Steve when he tells me that he has no faith and hasn't prayed a single time since we had the ultrasound. I can understand his reasoning but it is very hard for me to hear. I have to believe even more now than I did before. I have to believe that there is a power greater than us who is looking out for our daughter. Even more so, I have to believe that should she pass that she is going to a better place and that I will see her again. If I didn't believe this I wouldn't be able to do this.
Steve has two Priests in his family. Saturday morning Steve's Uncle, Father Bob, called to tell us that he has been praying for Quinn Elise and us. Not only is he praying but every church that he goes to celebrate Mass at he has added us to their prayer chain. Sunday afternoon I saw a comment from Steve's cousin, Father Matt, telling us the same thing. He is praying for all of us and each of the churches that he has visited he has dedicated the Mass to Quinn. As I told Steve, if us receiving those messages from both Fr Bob and Fr Matt the same weekend we were discussing his lack of faith isn't a sign that God is with us and that He is leading us through this then I don't know what is.
1 comments:
Meghan... I certainly believe that how Steve is feeling is just a normal part of grieving and working through a situation like this. I have had major tragedies in my life before this and I know that those times prepared me for this time. I was not so strong the first time around in tragedy... I walked completely away from God and my faith. Only to find out that I suck on my own. I ended up in every bad place imaginable. I struggled with suicide, drugs, alcohol... you name it. God never let go and through loving people never leaving me, I found my way back. I am so proud of you standing strong, but you're also entitled to break down and lose it... it's normal. I am certainly praying for you two. Just love on Steve and hopefully he'll come to a point where he can think differently toward God. I know that you are not at this point (and I pray never) but I was given a book titled "Safe in the arms of God - truth from heaven about the death of a child" by John MacArthur. It has so frills - it is straight facts from the Bible about why children die and where they go. I think this could answer a lot of questions for Steve. It's probably on audio-book too if he hates reading. (I know James does). Keep your chin up.. this is not an easy time. I am here for you both if you need anything. If you two wanna meet somewhere in the middle for lunch all 4 of us let me know. - Miranda
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