We are here

I have been doing fairly well lately with the emotions and everything but then every once in a while I do have my melt downs.  Last night was one of them.  The afternoon / evening was pretty shitty as it was just because Ashlyn was in a mood and Steve and I were fighting.  I don't even know that fighting is the correct word… more like ignoring.  He was in a mood and I was in a mood that I wasn't going to deal with him.  I had enough on my plate dealing with an overtired Ashlyn who was constantly whining and wanting me to pick her up and throwing noodles on the wall during dinner.  By that time I had enough. She was told that she was finished eating, bowl was thrown (literally) into the sink and she got a bath to go to bed early.  Unfortunately it was only 6:30 and I couldn't put her to bed THAT early.  Around 7:30 when I did put her to bed she didn't love the idea but didn't put too much of a fight up.  She was down and I went in our room and shut the door.  Steve came in and we apparently decided to stop ignoring each other and started arguing.  We do not normally argue very often.  That is just how our relationship is and we have never gotten into many fights.  Of course things are a bit different now and I understand that we are both on edge and we do argue a little more.  We are dealing with everything very differently and it is hard for both of us to sometimes deal with how the other one is handling it.  Steve shuts down, keeps things bottled up and gets angry.  I know in my head that he isn't angry at me but it is still hard to be around someone who is just angry.  While he is angry I blab our whole lives on the internet as a release. It works for me and what he does works for him but it doesn't really work for US.  We are not really dealing with this together at this point.  It is hard to when you are different people.  We still talk but it is just hard and it does cause tension.  I suppose that is normal.  I mean our emotions are all over the place right now so how can it not cause tension at times.  I understand that it is a normal part of the process but it still sucks.  I hate fighting with him.  I hate that he looks at our engagement picture and says that he feels like those two people are gone and will never come back.  This breaks my heart.  I know that we love each other so very much and I honestly believe that will never change but he is right, those people are gone.  They were naive and hopeful and now we are… well, we are here and here is a much darker place than I thought we would ever see.  I know that regardless of the outcome of everything we will eventually move on and our life will somehow return to normal but we will still never again be those two people we were before all of this.  Just one more thing to put on the list of the things that I have lost.