Yesterday was good and bad. I have been in a pretty good place but Steve has been low. Last night was one of those nights that I had to just let him fester in his anger and hurt. Most of the time he is very good at sharing his feelings but there are times where he just shuts down. I know that everyone grieves differently and I have to let him have his space at times so that is what I tried to do. It was hard. I eventually just went to bed so I wouldn't have the urge to make him talk to me. I just want to help him and take the pain away but nothing can ever take it away. Thankfully today he is feeling much better and is talking again!
Today I took a big step. After reading Miranda's post about the cemetery and the "baby land" looking trashed I felt like I had to go and see what our cemetery's section looked like. I was less than thrilled. All of the babies have only markers. The flat markers that you do not see at all unless you are standing over it. Some of the older ones had grass growing over parts of them to where you would have to bend down and try to move the grass to read the full marker. Not what I envision for my Quinn. I didn't get upset being there at all though which surprised me. I think maybe because I knew that wasn't where my Quinn would be. If she should leave us I want to have more for her than some flat marker with grass growing on it. I want to have a special place to visit her and remember her. I was a little hesitant to tell Steve that I went to the cemetery at all. Lately whenever I talk about anything like he can listen for about 2 minutes and then says that he can't talk about it anymore. I can completely understand not wanting to talk about your daughters death but this is something that also has to be done. I feel very alone in this aspect. I am the one that has to make all of these calls and find information and as hard as it is and as much as it sucks, I can't even really talk to him about it because he just can't always deal with it. I did however end up telling him that I went and what my thoughts where. He agreed that he wanted more for Quinn than just some flat marker. So we are back to paying for at least part of the burial. We don't exactly have a couple thousand dollars lying around to buy a burial plot but we will figure something out. We have to. If this is one of the only things that I can do for my daughter on this Earth then I will find a way to do it. She deserves at least that much.
In much less depressing news, I heard from Molly my mid-wife today.. During my last appointment we had discussed with her wanting to get in contact with someone about a treatment plan for Quinn should she survive. We didn't really know how or where to go about this because we do not know what hospital we will deliver at. We have a preference but it depends on where the midwife might be that day. Well Molly got in contact with two different people at Children's Hospital and they are wanting to talk to us. Molly said that they seem like amazing people and that she thinks that they will be perfect to help us through this. One of the ladies is in Fetal Treatment and the other is in the Palliative Care center. With my permission Molly has faxed them my chart and one of them will be contacting us to set up a meeting with Steve and I. I am so glad to finally be talking about more than her death and concentrate on her surviving and what all we can do to help her do that!